Friday, April 28, 2017

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #7

Cave Carson probably suffers from acrophobia (not to be confused with agraphobia which he probably also suffers from).

Cave Carson's need to hide in caves is telling. It's why I think he suffers from agraphobia, an extreme fear of sexual abuse. By exploring caves, he's metaphorically crawling back inside his mother's womb. It's the least sexy place a person can hide. I probably have more examples of why he suffers from agraphobia but I just distracted myself by thinking that I've insulted Cave Carson's mother by comparing her womb to a cave. I also began thinking about how most phobias are just "a fear of X!" But agraphobia is "an EXTREME fear of X!" since most people are like, "Yeah, dude, I totally don't want to be molested. That would suck." So that's just a normal fear! I think the "extreme" descriptor should be added to a lot of other phobias as well. Like arachnophobia! Everybody is frightened by a spider when it just appears out of nowhere and is touching some part of your body like some aggro agraphile. But after the terrifying realization that the most disgusting and alien looking creature to ever live alongside humankind has decided to crawl across your arm, most people can deal with it normally. By normally, I mean thinking "Where the fuck did that spider go?!" after the ten second full body convulsion and series of high pitched screams have sent the spider across the room and running for some shadowy Cave Carson's mother's womb.

Uh oh. I think I just gave myself a new phobia! Arachnoagraphobia! The fear of being sexually abused by a spider!

Cave Carson has been suffering from impotency for years. It caused him to be unable to explore caves in a winky kind of "you get what I mean?" kind of way. It was probably caused by the death of his wife but it also might have been caused by his cybernetic enhancement. Sometimes it's hard to know what's metaphor and what's just a regular old story element. So does the cybernetic eye represent his penis because some fancy, well-spoken people sometimes call the penis a one eyed trouser snake? Or does the eye have a deeper, less immature metaphorical meaning? Does it mean he now suddenly sees too much and understands the world too deeply for his penis to enjoy itself? Or does the eye have nothing to do with his impotence at all and it's just a way to make the comic book's title more appealing to a generation enamored by affectations?

It also could simply be Oedipal. Cave Carson is impotent because he hates his father and he can't hide up inside his mother anymore because his drill doesn't work. And the eye is representative of Oedipus's blindness which itself was evidence of Oedipus's inability to truly see the way things were. Unless that wasn't part of that story at all. I read it so long ago that I can only now pretend to remember what it was about by grasping at the Freudian interpretation of all of our sexual problems through an old perverted Greek story.

How come Freud never talked about Oedipus's love of butt stuff? That's why he was at Colonus, right?! Isn't Colonus the Greek word for anal?

This issue is a flashback to the time Cave Carson met Superman.

This story took place in the days when a diverse crew meant three white guys with different colored hair, a white woman, and an animal sidekick. I'm not getting into the political and social deconstruction of what the animal sidekick was a metaphor for!

Apparently there's a huge system of underground caverns under Metropolis just like under Gotham. But Metropolis's cave system is more believable because it wasn't invented by Ann Nocenti.

Cave and his white team of whiteys discover Superman being attacked by a gigantic red crystalline creature. It looks like they'll have to kill this totally new and unknown form of life if they want to save Superman and Metropolis! It's a good thing Cave's drill was still working back in these old days.

The crystal creature had a bit of kryptonite embedded on its carapace which is why Superman needed to be rescued.

Me the first time I was anally fisted too!

Cave rescues Superman by dragging him into a hole which is just a smaller cave. He's a one trick pony, that guy! After that, they come up with a plan to defeat the crystalline alien. Superman will fly faster than the speed of sound causing a sonic boom which will totally annoy the creature and possibly give it tinnitus. Ha! Take that, jerk!

After the sonic boom, a piece of stalactite falls from the ceiling impaling Bulldozer Smith in a gory metaphorical display of the penetrative sex act! Covered in sex goo and blood, Cave Carson yells, "But that's not how it happened!" Oh no! This isn't a flashback story at all! It's a mind control delusion trapping Cave Carson in his memories so he can't finish off The Whisperer! The story from last issue is still happening!

Um, maybe!

In the awkward new memory of the time Cave saved Superman, his teammate and Bulldozer's lady, Christine Madison (MADISON!), begins making out with him. So this entire delusion has placed Cave Carson deep within the part of his mind that's creating his impotency. You might be thinking, "How is Cave Carson fucking a lady a metaphor for impotency?!" But if you were thinking that, it just means you're impatient because I didn't get to the part where Cave pushes her away and says, "I can't!" See? He can't! Not that he won't or that they shouldn't. He just simply can't because his dick doesn't work.

The Whisperer has been devouring Cave and his memories while also mentioning how impotent Cave has been in every aspect of his life up until this point. That inability to save his friends or his wife or raise his daughter or be responsible or unselfish has obviously resulted in the physical manifestation of those failings: sexual impotency. Just like I've been saying all this time. And look at this visual proof in the comic book:

See? His junk is blurred out! That's a representation of how it's useless!

Superman arrives to fluff Cave Carson. He mostly uses a pep talk but I can read between the panels. I see him using his super stroking motion to get Cave Carson rock hard and confident again! Also, Superman might not actually be here. Superman is probably just another metaphor, this one for Cave Carson rallying against The Whisperer's use of fear and flaccidity. It's a representation of Cave Carson's inner strength and resolve to be a hero not for himself but for the people who need him to be a fully erect hero.

After Superman cures Cave's impotency with a Kryptonian "Confidence Boost" (that's slang for a hand job), he throws him back at the vagina so Cave can fucking save the day. By fucking it!

It's got teeth is what it's got!

Cave Carson wakes up from his dream. He's still missing his cybernetic eye and a week has passed since he confronted the Whisperer in his mother's womb. Now the Whisperer is rampaging on the surface world destroying the city. But Cave is ready to destroy it because he's been made whole! This is evident by the way he smokes a cigarette immediately upon waking up from his week long coma. He's all, "Oh yeah! I just came all over the inside of my pants for the first time in a decade and now I'm engaging in an oral fixation to show that I'm ready to fuck the Whisperer into submission!" And his daughter is right there to fuck it alongside him. Um. Gross.

The Ranking!
+1! I'm really enjoying this comic book! How many of you thought my impotency reading of the story was just a joke all this time? Because it wasn't and it totally isn't. This comic is all about Cave Carson's dick not working. Because that in itself is a metaphor! For, you know, being a powerless failure. So this story is kind of the reverse impotency metaphor. Usually the story would be all, "Cave Carson is impotent! Why?!" Then he'd struggle to regain his power. But this comic is all, "Cave Carson is powerless! Why?" Well, it's because his dick doesn't work.

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