Thursday, April 13, 2017

The Flintstones #10

Pebbles' vibrator died.

Here is a thing I just typed into a messenger app to my friend Doom Bunny: "The Flintstones comic book is my favorite current comic book. That is a thing I just typed and meant." I had to reiterate that I actually meant the thing I said because it's ridiculous to think that The Flintstones would wind up being my favorite comic book. Although the more I read this comic book, the more I'm projecting this comic book's attitude and humor backward in time onto the cartoon. I'm actually beginning to think, "Was the cartoon this incisive?" The answer to that is probably no since the first memory of the cartoon that springs to mind is when Fred and Barney bought a boat. Fred wanted to name it the Nautical Princess and Barney wanted to name it the Queen of the Seas. They decided to compromise and named it the Nau-seas. That's the kind of ham-handed comedy I remember from the show! Also I might have gotten some of the facts wrong about the scene. I have no idea what Barney and Fred's names were but I remember the Nautical part and the Seas part because it led to the hilariously named boat joke! Of course now when people mention jokes about boat names, everybody with a lick of a sense of humor thinks of Arrested Development. It makes me laugh whenever I think about them talking about the Seaward and Lucille saying, "I know you're talking about me." Imagine if The Flintstones had come up with that! Instead, they just have a scene where Barney and Fred dress up like a dinosaur in a two man costume and Barney, giggling like crazy in the back half of the suit, tells Fred to make sure Dino knows Barney is in the costume as well so that Dino doesn't get any funny ideas! You know the kinds of ideas dogs (and dog dinosaurs) think are funny! The kind where they hump things without any consent.

I just rewatched the original opening of The Flintstones (the one without the song with lyrics) and was completely floored that The Simpsons must have been riffing on that. So already, I'm buying into the idea that The Flintstones was far more clever than I remember the show being! It makes sense being that The Flintstones was The Simpsons of its time. A prime time cartoon that satirizes the modern family life. I bet even the jokes that I roll my eyes at while watching The Flintstones were fresh when they were used on the show. It's just that I've heard them repeated so often in so many other derivative comedies that they now seem ham-handed.

That's almost the exact question I ask when I buy new technology! Just replace the "or" with an "and"!

The news doesn't focus on the advent of movies for long because they have to get in some warmongering. They continue to portray the Lizard People as dangerous adversaries intent on threatening the safety of Bedrock! The new mayor, Clod the Destroyer, has vowed to destroy them. I wonder if Fox News viewers would understand the satire in this comic book or if they'd be seething right now about those Goddamned Lizard People?

After Clod fails to genocide the Lizard People because they heard him coming and skedaddled, Fred and Barney sneak off to see a pornographic movie. It also might just be an art film since Barney describes it as "women baring themselves." It's possible it's also just a film about women baring their souls and not their breasts. My guess is it's that last one since the movie is called Shale Magnolias. While Fred and Barney pre-masturbate furiously to women crying about their relationships with other women hoping that one of them will suddenly take off their top, Werner Herzrock discovers Wilma's paintings in the trash at the local art gallery. He decides to interview her for the job of art director on his new film. I bet the film has lots of earnest narration about the nature of existence!

There was a bit just before this that was a rousing speech about the ultimate inability of the artist to communicate effectively which spoke less to me than this.

Late at night, the vacuum cleaner has been sneaking out to watch movies at the local theater. On one of those nights, he's forced to vacuum the movie theater floor. Gross! Men have been masturbating in there!

I guess it's not a big surprise then that vacuum cleaner dies. The appliances have a wake that's all feelings and more feelings and things being said that the writer was probably pretty proud of and which I'm totally glossing over because it didn't contain any fart jokes.

The other stories partially resolve themselves as well and other stuff and things. You might be thinking, "What kind of a shitty review is this?" Well, it's the kind of shitty review that can't say anything that would be better than actually reading this comic book. I critique comic books because they're usually vapid and silly and inconsequential pieces of cultural fluff! I never expected to have to say intelligent things about intelligent observations made in intelligent plots that already critique and satirize the world in which we live. How am I supposed to add to that without feeling like a fucking asshole?

The Review!
+1! Just go fucking read this series, dumby.

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