Thursday, April 27, 2017

The Wild Storm #3

If I'm reading all of the subtle clues correctly, Jenny Sparks will be introduced this issue. Hooray!

Previously in The Wild Storm, several corporations who are also black ops organizations have sent death squads and CATs to murder nipple-free Angie Spica. I had to look up her last name because I wanted to type "Spica" but I kept thinking, "That can't be right. That's racist, isn't it?" It's not racist. What is racist is my brain that is always so terribly worried about appearing racist that it winds up overcompensating in certain situations, thus proving it's totally fucking racist. Thanks, Global Media! It's your fault I'm so concerned with how I appear instead of just being myself (which totally isn't racist, by the way! I mean, probably not that racist. Thinking Italians are annoying extroverts isn't racist, right?).

Speaking of annoying extroverts, I passed a guy on Hawthorne Boulevard today holding up a sign that said, "I need weed." Fucking people whose entire identity is wrapped up in the fact that they smoke weed can all go to hell. I don't care if people smoke weed. That doesn't bother me at all. But people who make it their entire shtick can go fuck themselves. I suppose my biggest problem with it is how people can bond over such superficial and shallow similarities. I bet being stoned makes it hard to realize that the person you're getting stoned with is a complete and utter bland asshat whose most exciting conversation is about Project Cloverleaf, which they bring up every time they get stoned. I get that meeting people with similar interests is a bit of a gateway to maybe making friends. But it seems that when weed is involved, people are far less discriminating in the friends they make. Sure, I'd probably hang out with some other people who like comic books for at least one afternoon. But they're going to have to bring a lot more to the table than their knowledge of every death of every Robin and every woman Peter Parker has almost fucked. I need to know what they think of Montuak, the Orgone Box, and Project Cloverleaf as well! Also have they ever seen a Chupacabra?! If so, it was probably a raccoon with mange.

The main problem with this comic book is how many corporations there are. I also have to keep track of which CEOs work for which corporations and what covert agencies are tied to those corporations and which CATs belong to which covert corporations! And this is just the start of the comic book! Pretty soon, I'm going to have to keep track of which of them are Daemonites too!

I would read this comic book. Especially since it looks like it was written and drawn by Chris Ware.

As you can see from the above scan, The Wild Storm takes place on an alternate Earth. DC Comics exists on that Earth and that's where all the mainstream superheroes currently reside (also on television shows like The Doom Patrol. Why isn't that a CW show? The Wildstorm Universe's television programs are way better. I'm stuck with Arrow when I could have The Doom Patrol?!). But all of the businesses and newspapers and cities that you expect to find in the DC Universe, you'll find here. Like The Daily Planet and Kord Industries and the Galaxy Network and probably Lex Industries and almost certainly Wayne Corp.

Currently, Jenny Sparks is wandering through all of the media platforms scattered around our daily lives. She's also probably thinking about snogging me! She's also a bit more like John Constantine than in her previous incarnations when she was only mildly like John Constantine.

Thank the Maker (the Creepy Crawlies Maker, my one and only God) for Jenny Sparks and her Wall of Tying Things Together!

Up in Montuak, the first wave of People Pursuing Angela Spica appear before her from out of The Bleed. It's Grifter, Savant, and the other one. Also, I'm not totally sure about Savant. I'm trusting Jenny Sparks' Wall of Tying Things Together to be accurate! They're Jacob Marlowe's CAT. I really want to type "CAT team" but that would be like typing "ATM Mouth." Anyway, they want to offer Angie safety from International Operations (also from Skywatch although Angie might not understand that she not only stole from IO but also from Skywatch by means of the transitive property (my brain often keeps things from me and I couldn't remember the term "transitive" so I had to Google "a = b = c then a = c") because she saved Marlowe's life. She pretty much doesn't have any choice but to except or else somebody with dead or death in their name is going to come kill her.

Before Angie can say she accepts their offer, the door blows off the vault and three Black Razors march in. Luckily Grifter is here to think, "I can move guns with my mind and also shoot things really good! I will use those abilities to save the life of this woman who seems to not have any nipples. But first I must put on this ridiculous mask that I can somehow constantly see through and it somehow hangs off my face just so. It probably has something to do with my Daemonite blood. That's right! I have Daemonite blood, I think to myself as if I need to explain that to myself!"

For some reason, Grifter doesn't produce one Narration Box at all! What's wrong with him?! This new Grifter just isn't the same. Grifter without Narration Boxes is like The Engineer without nipples.

Have I mentioned how much I miss Angie's nipples enough?

Savant blows up one of the Black Razors with an exploding bullet while Grifter spends the majority of the fight doing flips while shooting upside down. Meanwhile, the Other One (Adriana, the robot one that can send people through The Bleed) took some shrapnel in the face and is now bleeding tears. She's also speaking Greek.

The IO control team begin trying to assess the situation and what went wrong.

That's always been my biggest fear too since I read WildC.A.T.s #1.

The IO lead (I forget his name, okay?! Miles Craven, maybe?) tells the Black Razors to self-destruct and destroy everything around them since they're apparently a bunch of losers. Meanwhile, Angie flies through the roof to escape. Savant, Grifter, and the Other One are left behind to be destroyed. Probably. I can't see how they'll survive the demolition!

The Ranking!
+2! This is really fucking good! It's like the exact opposite of storytelling back when Image first started!

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