Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Batman #21

This cover is haunted.

My cousin Jehoshaphat has been soaking his underwear in anticipation of this story. He's never even read The Watchmen but he's heard it's really good and he knows that the button was big in the Watchmen branding in the eighties. He probably expects me to explain all of the Watchmen references to him. I expect that I'm going to lie about a lot of them when I do.

I just noticed how thin they've made the lenticular covers. What a great advancement! Although it still adds an extra dollar to the price. What a rip-off.

The issue begins in Arkham Asylum where the inmates have been allowed to watch a hockey playoff game between the Gotham Blades and the Metropolis Mammoths. One of the insane people watching is Saturn Girl and she begins to flip the fuck out because apparently somebody is killed during this hockey game which leads to the entire Legion of Super-heroes being killed. That's crazy. She definitely belongs in Arkham. A playoff hockey game has never mattered at all in the history of anything.

Meanwhile in the Batcave, Batman is obsessing.

Batman sets the button down next to Psycho Pirate's mask (which he really shouldn't leave lying around like that) which causes a rip in the Speed Force. Oh good! I was hoping the story would be absolute and utter nonsense! I suppose you can't have a story about changes in DC Continuity without the Speed Force being involved somehow.

Batman calls up Flash to let him know that he's getting his stupid speed force all over his shit and The Flash is all, "Start the sixty panel battle with Reverse Flash countdown. I'll be there just in time to not help!"

This Reverse Flash isn't the Danny West Reverse Flash who was sent back in time in the pages of Suicide Squad (which totally wasn't a death and didn't count even if he has yet to reappear). No, this is the Eobard Thawne Reverse Flash. I think that means he's a lot scarier. Apparently he was dead until the button had Speed Force sex with the Psycho Pirate Mask. Now he's been born again and he's ready to beat the crap out of Batman! I bet he also knows some secrets like how he was killed by The Watchmen so that he wouldn't interfere with their editing of DC Continuity.

Reverse Flash finds Bruce's letter from his Dad From Another World. He recognizes it as the Thomas Wayne from his world so this Eobard is from Flashpoint. Hell, it's Eobard Thawne. He's probably from all the continuities and realities and futures and pasts and Speed Forces.

Eobard must be speaking in super speed because I can't fit each of these bits of dialogue into one second.

Reverse Flash possibly kills Batman because The Flash is late. Then Reverse Flash picks up the button and pulls the old "Crisis on Infinite Earths Disintegrating Revelation" routine. The Flash was delayed because he tried to save the hockey player who was beaten to death on the ice due to nobody in Arkham listening to Saturn Girl's warning. By the time Barry arrives at the Batcave, he finds what's left of Reverse Flash and what's left of Batman.

The Ranking!
-1! I know this is just the first issue and it's supposed to tease the reader with intense plot boners but I was hoping for a little more than just a brawl between Reverse Flash and Batman. On the positive side, more people died in this issue of the comic than have died in the current run of Suicide Squad! Possibly more than the last several runs of Suicide Squad! That book has a terrible name.

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