Sunday, April 30, 2017

Justice League #19

I forgot to adult color this.

It's that time of month again! I mean, that time of every two weeks again! I wish there was an easier way to say that. I refuse to use the term "biweekly" until English speakers around the world hold a summit to disambiguate it. It can't continue to mean both twice a week and once every two weeks! I assure you that when the end of the world comes about, it will be due to a miscommunication between two people using the term biweekly.

So, um, anyway! It's that time of biweekly again (okay, so I cracked already! I'm going to use the term even if it sounds stupid in the context in which I've used it! Don't judge me! Especially when I'm about to seriously begin judging Bryan Hitch!) where I get to read a terrible Justice League story! Previously in this Bryan Hitch story (as opposed to previous Bryan Hitch stories which were basically the same as this one), a time traveler told the Justice League that they have to do what she says to save the world from some guy in the future. The Justice League, being dumb, said, "Okay! We're with you, time traveler who hasn't shown us any real identification or passed a Doctor Fate mindscan or was previously approved by Batman! We'll do it!" But now they have egg pie on their faces because that time traveler turned out to be Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time! I mean, sure, she did help them save the world from that future guy who was going to stick Earth in an interdimensional meat locker where the heroes would have been condemned to live out flashback episodes until the end of whatever time exists in a timeless space. But now that they saved the world from that threat, it turns out the person who helped them save the world in that way wants to destroy it in another way!

Let me stop myself here because I realized I'm telling the entire story incorrectly! What really happened with the first antagonist is that they were trying to save the universe from DC Continuity. Since it keeps changing and morphing and fucking up space/time, Tempus from the future was all, "Maybe we should isolate this thing? Put it in quarantine until it proves it isn't going to destroy everything else in the universe." But Superman and Batman and the Justice League were all, "No way, dude! We are undoubtedly a huge danger to the cosmos but we also have a little thing known as freedom, bitch!" Then the Justice League defeated this guy because he wanted to save the universe in a way that they didn't approve of. Instead, they would rather keep endangering the universe simply to have the freedom to be assholes. So that first part of the story did not reflect well on Superman or Batman. The rest of the Justice League didn't really know any better, being that they're all stupid dum-dums (especially Aquaman). Now the shocking big twist second half is beginning where the time traveler has revealed that her plan is to destroy everybody with super powers who has ever existed. That's another way to go to save the entire universe but, yet again, it's not going to be a Superman and Batman approved way of going about it. So Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time, will have to be put in an interdimensional meat locker called The Phantom Zone. Which in no way makes the Justice League a bunch of hypocrites no matter how many times I think about it and come to the conclusion, "These guys are fucking hypocrites."

This issue does not begin with the title page I was hoping for: "Timeless Finale." Instead it's Part 5. It's possible part five is the final part but I've had my hopes raised up by the voices of sirens only to be dashed against the rocks of despair by life too many times to ever allow hope into my heart again. So I know this story is just going to keep going forever. It's right there in the title! Timeless!

For everybody who keeps wondering why I'm calling the new antagonist "Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time," this scan is for you. Obviously Bryan Hitch told Fernando Pasarin, "I want the Surprise Twist Big Bad to look like Dark Phoenix!" And Fernando said, "I will get out my tracing paper!"

If you're in a comic book and you're female and you suddenly reveal yourself to be evil, apparently your clothes begin disintegrating and you lose the top button on your jeans and you forget to put on shoes.

I feel I've been amiss in my review duties by not mentioning that in some future alternate reality, Lex Luthor has a mixed race daughter. I guess the human female reproductive organs he eventually implants into Mercy were from a black woman.

Superman's response to Molly (what kind of villain name is that?! I'm just going to keep calling her Dark Phoenix, if you don't mind!) is "Everyone with powers? Why?" I know what he's thinking. He's thinking, "Fucking Batman gets to live?! Why?!" Batman is probably doing the Cabbage Patch behind him right now.

Dark Phoenix's argument goes like this: the super powered people of Earth have become powerful in a way that doesn't aid in evolution and therefore they must be destroyed for the natural order to be set right. Or something. It's a little bit hard to follow because she's making a judgment as to what is necessary and what isn't necessary in the grand scheme of everything. She's one of those people who think the argument against playing God is an actual argument that makes sense. I thought the whole point of being made in God's image was to do everything that God would do! If we didn't strive to "play God," we'd be going against the prime directive instilled in our creation! We were made in His image so aren't we totally slacking off and not rising to our full potential if we refuse to play God?! Also, God doesn't exist so it's a terrible argument for why a person shouldn't do something. Although the basis of her argument is "I've seen the future and you're going to destroy the universe if you keep acting the way you're acting. So I'm going to destroy you instead." I suppose she could have said, "I'm going to ask you to stop being heroes" instead but she probably doesn't want to get punched in the face by Superman. Also, that would just wind up in another Watchmen or Kingdom Come story arc. And why read a Bryan Hitch version of one of those stories when those stories were already told as well as they could be already?!

While Superman and Jane (who later gets knocked out and becomes a conehead, so I guess she's J'onn's daughter from an alternate future?) battle Dark Phoenix, Batman flies off to get Superboy for some reason. It probably has to do with his being half-human or a child or something. He'll probably bring Jon to Dark Phoenix and say, "If you want to kill us all, I want you to start with this young boy! Kill him first, personally, and we'll allow you to kill all of us!" Then the arrow will fly exactly where aimed and Dark Phoenix will be unable to murder the human baby. I mean Jon.

Meanwhile all across time, the rest of the Justice League are learning that they've been partially duped by Dark Phoenix. Yes, they saved Earth from being moved to the end of space and time. But they've also given Dark Phoenix all the power of everything so that she can destroy them all. Whoops! So now they need to destroy the devices Dark Phoenix gave them which will strand them all through time. That's okay though because they're heroes. Plus it's not like Batman or Captain Atom haven't already done this whole trick of being displaced in time and still managed to find their way home.

Oh. Apparently she has no qualms about killing a young boy. I guess Batman was just sent to save him because Superman realized this was what the bad guy always does if given the chance. Can't hurt the hero? Kill their pet! Or, you know, child and wife, which is almost as bad.

Batman saves Jon and Lois by taking Molly's blast full in the face. He's knocked unconscious so he can't save them from the second blast. Luckily, the Justice League reappears at that moment to shut her down. I guess the Infinity Corporation took care of the time travel stuff. Molly makes sure to tell the Justice League that everybody is now going to die because they selfishly refused to be killed. I guess they'll just have to defeat The Watchmen the usual way that consists of lots and lots of punches!

Vincent, Jane, and Alexis of the Infinity Corporation have a bit of an epilogue where they're all, "Now we have to do what we came to this universe to do! With the help of Superman and the Justice League, we're going to set everything right! It's the only way to reinstate the universe of infinite Earths so that the Earth which we're from never gets destroyed by the Anti-Monitor! Unless it's something else that isn't as obvious and more probable."

The Ranking!
-1! I've yet to be won over by comic book stories that point out that the super heroes are the main threat to the safety of everybody on Earth. Fuck that stupid nonsense. It's kind of a terrible state that comic books have been placed in due to writers deconstructing the way super hero stories have been told for years. Super heroes began as inspirations. They were there to defend the innocent and help the helpless. But eventually lazy writers decided it was too hard to think up a story where the villain plotted to do something villainous and the hero had to figure it out and stop them. So instead they just began writing stories where the villains outright attacked the heroes. This happened for years until somebody was all, "The heroes make the places they live more dangerous because they're always the target of the bad guy's attack! Why are people standing for this?!" Then came the wave of "heroes have got to go!" bullshit stories. And so now we live in a world where superheroes are not inspiring because a whole shitload of dirtbag writers got the wrong message and decided superhero comic books were just about punching and violence. So it was okay if the only story was that the bad guy and the good guy fought. And now everybody's entire outlook of the superhero genre is that they're dangerous to civilians and they cause a lot of property damage just by existing and maybe everything would be better if they just went away? Well, I'll have no part of that crap! Can somebody please make the Justice League heroic again and not the enemy of all space and time? Please?

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