Thursday, April 6, 2017

Wonder Woman #19

Great! Is this issue where she finally dies?

Am I reading this comic book incorrectly? I find it boring because it's too wrapped up in fixing Wonder Woman's identity and comic book history. It also feels a little pretentious simply because Greg Rucka's name is on the cover and people seem unable to criticize Greg Rucka. Does he have some kind of hypnotic mind powers? I've never met him so I'm still able to see that his story is boring. Why does a revamped origin story have to run for over twenty issues?!

The blurbs for the second volume of collected Wonder Woman comics seem to disagree with me. The Nerdist says, "It is, in all seriousness, freaking perfect. It's exactly what Wonder Woman should be." Oh! Well if you're totally being completely and literally as serious as possible, I guess it must be freaking perfect. They also used a pseudo swear in the blurb so you can tell they're really passionate about their opinion. But saying that it's what Wonder Woman should be? She should be a character confused and lost and unsure of who she actually is?! That seems like a weird conclusion to draw.

The second blurb is from the A.V. Club: "Reinforces Wonder Woman's place as one of the world's most inspiring superheroes." Have they even been reading this series? Has she done anything inspirational so far? I think she stopped a terrorist attack in a mall or something in her "coming out" story. I guess that was inspiring. Also she helped save some women from a sexist god with a name I can never remember. That totally inspired Steve Trevor's penis into getting back under her skirt. Maybe she inspires people to ask, "Who am I? Why am I here? What can I do to deny things that have happened in my past that I don't agree with?" Although that would mean the comic book is a bit condescending, right? Assuming that people don't think about their place in the world until a comic book character does it? It's like when somebody plays Devil's Advocate with me. Instead of thinking, "Oh boy! I'm going to have a ridiculous conversation with an insincere person!", I think, "Fuck you, you piece of shit. How dare you think I haven't considered the things I believe in agonizing detail across many sleepless, sweat-soaked nights of pure terror at having to live an actual life?"

It's also possible this comic book is far better than I think it is. Possible but not probable! I am, after all, a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! You can see the evidence in my comic book rankings. Never mind that I think the best comic book is Justice League of America simply because Lobo is in it! That's a completely logical decision that my seventeen year old penis made and the rest of me has continued to agree with for the last thirty years.

At this point, some of you might be thinking you can't trust my opinions. I hate Wonder Woman but love Lobo?! What kind of patriarchal douchebag must I be?! I know, right? It surprised me too! I guess my sexual attraction to women is sexist and not just part of my mental, biological, and chemical makeup!

Now that we've established that I'm a monster and that this comic book is boring to monsters, I should probably get to the review part. Spoiler Alert: I'll probably say it's boring.

I'm so sick of Minotaurs being nothing more than Labyrinth monkeys! They're more than where they were raised! Although I did use Minotaurs as a player race in an RPG I wrote which described their entire life philosophy through the eyes of wandering the Labyrinth. So I guess I'm a hypocrite.

The Review!
Wonder Woman wanders around looking for her friend Cheetah until she's shot through the heart. If you're of a certain age, you now have a song stuck in your head. But before she was completely and utterly killed for good by the sniper, she declared she would finally find her way home (for the first time since leaving since all of the other stories that you may have read where she went home were all delusions). She's also decided to find the person who told her all of the lies about her past. It was probably Doctor Manhattan disguised as George PĂ©rez and Gail Simone and Phil Jimenez and Brian Azzarello and Meredith Finch and William Moulton Marston and all the other writers who I can't remember who wrote the series at some point before Greg Rucka spread open his anus and sucked them up inside him and into non-existence. That's his super power. He got it when he was at a con one time and somebody asked him for the five millionth time what super power he'd like and he said, "To be able to stick shit up my ass and erase it from existence. I'm looking at you, Frank Cho!" And he was looking at Frank Cho who was a few tables over jerking off over some tits he had just drawn in some fifteen year old's sketch book.

The Ranking!
-1. It was boring.

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