Friday, April 7, 2017

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #17

It's canon: Saint Walker's penis is that thing on his head.

The Review!
In previous issues, Soranik has bragged about being a doctor. Maybe she just said, "I'm a doctor!" But in my book, that's bragging. Whoop-de-do! Look at you, you fancy, responsible adult who's actually making the world a better place (probably!). Even if you just became a doctor for the fat stacks of fat cash, you're still doing more for humanity than somebody boycotting a candle seller whom they never bought candles from anyway. That's actually a poor comparison. Most people are better than that jerk boycotting candles. They're know what? I'm getting away from my original point. Soranik claimed she was a doctor and we all just believed her because why else would she cut open Hal Jordan from sternum to crotch unless she knew what she was doing? I mean, that scene never really made sense, did it? Soranik said she was saving Hal's life but was she really? You only have her word for it! And her word isn't worth much when you see how she treats a patient whose eye has recently popped out of his head.

That should take care of it!

Arkillo lost some fingers previously but those have since grown back (probably due to Rebirth). I'm sure his eye will come back too. As well as all the teeth Guy knocked out. And the prolapsed rectum will probably just slide back into place.

One of the Yellow Lanterns imprisoned by the Green Lantern Corps is a walking uncircumcised penis. I was going to say "sentient" but don't we all accept that penises have minds of their own? They're the most rebellious part of the body. My arms rarely shoot up over my head and refuse to drop back down no matter how much I try to will them to before anybody notices and begins screaming "Pervert!" at me.

The four of the six Lanterns of Earth share a scene together to remind everybody how important Earth is in the grand scheme of things. Look at all the Lanterns that have come from Earth! Two great ones, one marine that constantly gets other Lanterns killed, and a piece of shit slacker. Hal and Kyle take off to share a moment together because everybody needs to be told something that isn't true. Hal tells Kyle he's the best Lantern ever. He isn't. Not even close! But since Hal has now said it, readers have to believe it. It's canon now, motherfucker! Take that continuity and shove it!

Most of the rogue Yellow Lanterns have been captured. But one of the most dangerous seems to have evaded the Corps: Romat-ru.

I suppose this is showing Tomar-tu headed toward the Dark Side by murdering Romat-ru. But I'd rather believe Romat-ru murdered Tomar-tu and took his place because none of the other Lanterns can tell Xudarians apart.

Kyle Rayner's new job is to resurrect all of the dead Blue Lanterns. Bah! Who needs them? The Universe doesn't need a Lantern Corps based on hope! It might as well have one based on prayer. How about a color of light for Getting Up Off of Your Ass and Doing the Hard Work? Oh wait. That's probably the Green Lanterns, right? I guess they need hope to motivate them so the Green Lanterns can think, "I hope I get a raise for all this hard work I'm doing!"

Kyle fails to resurrect the Blue Lantern Corps because the universe has no hope. Or maybe Doctor Manhattan blocked the process for mysterious reasons of his tiny blue penis's own. I wonder if that's why Doctor Manhattan hasn't made an appearance yet. Do they put pants on him? Do they do that comedy thing where his crotch is always blocked by gourds and hoses and baguettes? Maybe they just give him a Barbie doll crotch? These are the tough editorial decisions DC must make in these exciting times!

After Kyle fails, the White Ring shatters into seven differently colored pieces. Six of the rings rush off to find new fingers but the green ring stays so that Kyle can get his old Green Lantern suit back. You know the one. The one that doesn't look anything like a Green Lantern outfit. Even Guy's outfit was more regulation.

The Ranking!
No change! I think in a few issues, Guy and Arkillo are going to fuck. Don't scoff! I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I have great insight into these things! I also have a stubborn determination to never believe that things I predicted never happened. Remember how Harvest turned out to be Tim Drake after he was bitten by a vampire and lived for one thousand years before returning to the past? That still might happen! I bet Tim Drake's transformation into Harvest will be complete in Doctor Oz's prison. Or maybe that's why Doctor Oz had to imprison him? So that Tim doesn't become Harvest! I bet a week after Tim survived the attack of Jacob Kane's drones, he was bitten by that vampire! So Doctor Oz kidnapped him. That's some good editorial work! Now Harvest has been erased from continuity, right?!

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