Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Booster Gold Loves The Flintstones #1

If Prehistoric Man had any concern with animal rights, they never would have had any scientific advancements. At least according to The Flintstones which is, like, history and shit.

I don't know how many people consider these Hanna-Barbera crossovers canon. Everybody should. There's no way I can respect you if you don't now think the Banana Splits went on a mission with the Suicide Squad or that Green Lantern and Space Ghost had gay sex on the planet Krikkit or that a talking dog gave a rimjob to a talking cat. And now Mark Russell gets to write an in-continuity story about Booster Gold traveling back to The Flintstones era? If you don't have a woman boner or a male whatever happens to women when they get a boner thing happening about this comic book, you can't be my friend. You also can't be my friend on just a more reasonable level like how I probably couldn't stand listening to you. If you don't mind me saying everything and you just shut up and laugh at all the right places, it's possible we can be friends. But you also can't smell weird or look me in the eyes.

This issue begins with Booster asking Skeets if he looks sexy. I always knew Skeets had a slot for a penis! I used to tell my friends in junior high, "He's fucking that flying robot, you know!" Booster Gold is in his apartment that is either outside linear time or at Vanishing Point (which is also outside of linear time but more upscale than just "a ratty studio apartment in any buttfuck place outside linear time"). Inside his room, he has a Dodo bird as a pet and he stores all of his valuables in the Ark of the Covenant. Booster Gold might be my hero. He's got no time for your shitty time paradox theories!

Oh, apparently he lives in New New Newest Gotham in the year 2472. I bet Batman is still alive.

In 2472, Gary Gygax is considered a god and you can get a McTalon Burger at the local Food Court of Owls.

While Booster is on his date with Amy, an army of Chupacabra riding space scooters while setting people on fire with laser beams descend on the city.

The Chupacabra are apparently space aliens and not Chupacabra which they most definitely are. I suppose it doesn't matter since conspiracy theories can account for any eventuality. Obviously Chupacabra are just space aliens and not cryptoids! Anyway, Booster accesses his time computer to find that these aliens first visited Earth in the year 20,000 BC in the town of Bedrock. So that's where he goes to solve the problem! I guess he's going to find their leader and suggest that they not come back 24 thousand years in the future?

I don't know. Any noticeable bodily function that lasts that long would concern me.

Booster Gold arrives in the past right on top of the alien, cutting it in half. Well, I guess that's why they invade 24 thousand years later! That's actually a pretty fast response time in galactic times and distances.

Booster Gold's Time Sphere is ruined in the encounter so he needs some help getting it fixed. Luckily, he's met up with Fred and Barney! They always have a scheme up their butts!

Moments like these are why I love Russell's writing so much.

With the help of some of Barney's science-know-how (otherwise known as animal abuse), Booster's Time Machine's Chrono CB Radio begins working. He puts the call out for help and the only person who responds and doesn't immediately die afterward is Alfred Pennyworth from 1966. Batman has a fourth dimensional radio transceiver because why not? Luckily Alfred in 1966 knows Booster Gold for some reason. That reason was mentioned earlier where Booster Gold gives no fucks about time paradoxes.

Booster is an idiot! Due to having such a small amount in his account, Booster will undoubtedly have to pay for that savings account! The payment will be taken out of the account and subsequently begin costing him insufficient funds penalties and fees! He's going to owe the bank billions when he gets home (because the bank will never just close the account since it costs them nothing to keep it open. Banks are assholes).

Booster Gold, Barney Rubble, and Fred Flintstone are out of luck getting help from other time travelers. So they're just going to have to figure out how to power the time machine themselves. I bet five billion vacuum cleaners could do the trick.

Instead of enslaved animals, the trio use the Chupacabra's spacecraft to power Booster Gold's time sphere. While it's charging, Skeets discovers that Booster Gold caused the invasion (that's probably why he doesn't give a fuck about time paradoxes. There are none! Everything just happens the way they happened and no time traveler can change it because they made it that way when they tried to change it in the first place!). Booster doesn't really care because he just wants to get back in the future to fuck Amy. But there's an error in the calculations and a huge chunk of Bedrock goes into the future with him.

Anyway, everything eventually works out in the end and Booster Gold's bank account has 3.8 billion dollars in it. I guess banks in the 1960s weren't such huge douchebags as banks are now. I blame Reagan.

The back-up story is a Jetsons story by Jimmy and Amanda. So it'll be full of sexy innuendos!

It doesn't have any sexual innuendo at all! Unless I'm supposed to believe that George Jetson eventually fucks the robot housing his mother's personality! Yeah, I can do that.

Anyway, the story is basically one of the episodes of Black Mirror.

The Ranking!
I don't rank these! But anything by Mark Russell is worth reading. The end!

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