Sunday, April 30, 2017

Deathstork #17

"I spy with my humongous eye something tiny that begins with D."

Last issue, I mentioned how angry Power Girl's fake boob window was making me. But then she got shot through the torso with the Infinity Rifle. That shot was taken from a higher advantage (because she was normal height and Deadline was standing on a car) which means it should have created a hole in her costume right around her tits and come out the back right around the top of her ass. She recovered but her costume probably shouldn't have recovered. Which means Power Girl should now have a boob window as well as a butt crack veranda. I'm all over that costume.

This is part six of the story called "Twilight." I feel like no stories should ever be called "Twilight" ever again.

The issue begins with a conversation between Slade and Billy Wintergreen. Wintergreen now has Deadline's Infinity Rifle and is storing it for some time when Slade needs to fight Superman again. Or kill him for a contract. Whatever. You never know what tomorrow will bring when you'll do anything for a paycheck.

I can practically hear all of the Deathstork Fangenders screaming their heads off after that characterization of him! So many people want to see him as a hero. But he's just a guy who kills people for money! Stop projecting your feelings of wanting to fuck him onto his morality!

While Slade is on the phone with Wintergreen, Beast Boy stops by to see if he can get into Power Girl's panties. Oh, sure, he simply asks her if she wants pizza. But since Gar Logan is a serial sexual harasser, we all know where that's going to lead.

I can practically hear all of the Beast Boy Fangenders screaming their heads off about that characterization of him! So many people want to see him as funny but he's really just a desperate pig who won't take anything less than a starbolt to the groin as an answer.

Beast Boy happens to notice Slade in the other room and his rectum falls out. He's all, "Oh shit! I've got all of these memories in my body that seem new but aren't new at all! They're like these red and blue memories but they're merging so that I suddenly remember that Deathstork is like the Teen Titans worst enemy ever and he once got the young girl I loved killed! And also statutorily raped before that! I need to end his life!" Gar turns into a gorilla and screams, "Call the cops! Call the Justice League! Call anybody but the Teen Titans!" But Power Girl is all, "What? Why? Oh, him? That's Deathstork? I mean, I knew it was Deathstork and not some blind jerk I was helping! I totally have this covered. Now exit the door and don't try to get back in and just leave the comic book completely even though you know my life is in very real danger! Good bye! We'll get pizza next week when I probably won't be dead!"

Power Girl figures Deathstork heard the encounter with Beast Boy since he went blind and not deaf. So she slinks into the room and asks him if he's going to kill her. As if he could! She just proved that she can basically heal from anything if she simply grows to giant size! So Deathstork is all, "Don't worry, young lady who is definitely too young for me to be fucking. You and all young women like you are totally and historically safe with me! Double wink!" He says "Double wink" because he's used to people not being able to tell when he's winking because he usually has that patch over one eye.

He does like to lie with little girls! Also...Roscoe can talk?!

Meanwhile in Minneapolis, Rose teaches Hosun about the Kiss of Death. Unless maybe she's just really happy that somebody, somewhere, finally told her the truth about something. Does that work? Does telling women truthful things that they don't want to hear get them to sleep with you?! I've been doing it all backwards and telling them lying things they totally want to hear! No wonder I still don't know what a vagina looks like! I bet it's like a doughnut, right?

Back in New York, Power Girl threatens to take Slade into the police now that she knows he is an assassin. So Slade does something that all of Slade's Fangenders finally won't be able to go along with. Maybe they can justify fucking a teenager and getting her killed. Maybe they can justify killing whomever he wants for the right price without letting any kind of justice but his own ethics decide. But how will they justify this dick move?

He murdered a fucking dog! He's as huge a monster as Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason!

This scene is why I love Priest's Deathstork book and why every other Deathstork book has failed until now. Slade will do anything — ANYTHING — for his own benefit. Before this moment, Slade tells Power Girl that there are no heroes and no villains. That "people simply do what they do." And that's how I want to see Slade written. He is not the upstanding, ethical hero who knows when it's right to kill. He's just a fucking guy doing what he needs to do for himself and, sometimes (though not often!), his family. And when a writer decides they need to make Slade likable at any cost, it costs the book its personality. Ironically, Slade needs to do wretched and unpopular things to be likable. He has to be Slade Wilson. He needs to be free to be Deathstroke. Most writers up until now just haven't had the stomach for it.

Power Girl, obviously, flips the fuck out when he murders her dog. Now Slade, blind and without a guide dog, has to figure out a way to get away from Power Girl. It shouldn't be too hard. It's not like she's an experienced Teen Titan that knows Slade's tricks and behaviors. It's not like she's like the guy she kicked out who just wanted pizza and could totally have helped her catch Slade. Hopefully he knew better than to simply go home and forget about seeing Slade in Tanya's apartment. This might be the beginning of that whole Judas Contract thing. I mean Lazarus Contract!

Slade manages to track down his suit while evading Power Girl, thanks to his glasses' connection with Ikon Suit Wintergreen. Ikon Suit Wintergreen is all, "I cannot come up with a plan to kill her." And Slade is all, "Whoa, what now? I don't want to kill her! I just want to fuck her! OH!" And the suit is all, "Dude, you should probably hope that the Superman Reborn story did not include reintegrating you with your Terra history." And Slade is all, "No way! That's one sweet ass memory!"

Slade escapes to live again but at what cost? How many Deathstork Fangenders have just decided this is the worst version of Deathstork ever? They're wrong, of course! This is the absolutely finest characterization of Deathstork I've seen in a comic book with his name on it. This is the Deathstork I keep writing about which almost always gets me yelled at by Deathstork fans. Usually those fans are fans of the Slade from the Teen Titans cartoon, so they can be forgiven for not truly understanding what Slade Wilson really is. But now they know! He murdered Tanya's pet for pretty much no other reason than to make her hate him and cause her to be distracted by the pain of loss while he escaped her. What a fucking dick. I love it!

Although I still hate that Tomasi and Gleason had Superboy kill his mom's cat Goldie because that's just fucking painful. He will never get over being responsible for the death of a family pet. Never! No matter how much Pete and Pat try to pretend it didn't happen. Goldie had better get the chance to return to life like every other superhero! Hopefully whatever weird shit is going on in the ground around the Kent Farm and Deadman's Swamp will bring Goldie back. But she'll be different! They never come back right! You reap what you sow!

Meanwhile, Rose (like the Deathstork Fangenders) is having a nervous breakdown after realizing just how big a monster her father is. But Wintergreen, Slade's spin specialist, PR Agent, and all around conscience in waiting, spends some time on the phone trying to convince her (and himself) that Slade's better than he appears to be.


Oh, and just to be clear: Ikon Suit Wintergreen explicitly mentions how Slade killed the dog. I only say that because I'm less than trustworthy in the way I usually relate events in the comic book. But he did kill Roscoe. Snapped his neck like a doggy biscuit!

Meanwhile, Joseph is having problems of his own. Etienne just discovered that Joseph was fucking Dr. Ikon on the side. And because of that, she lets Joseph know that she's been fucking Slade on the side. So I guess that's why he's going to have to murder her. Or at least that's giving him a reason to murder her so all of the Wilsons are now suspects! I know she isn't dead yet but the comic book keeps showing the scene of her dead in her wedding gown so I'm assuming it's going to happen. But who will do it?! Rose the angry sister? Joseph the beta cuck? Slade the dog murderer?! So many people to choose from!

The Ranking!
+1! I never would have thought that I'd raise the ranking of a comic book where the lead character just murdered a pet. Context is important!

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