Thursday, April 27, 2017

All Star Batman #9

I hope this literally happens in the comic book.

The Review!
Why does this comic book cost $4.99? Is it because the cover is stiffer than other covers? I bet I could make a really immature joke about that if I were more immature! But I've grown as a writer. Otherwise I would have pointed out that, on the cover, Ra's is about to use the Washington Monument as a Bat-Butt-Plug.

The issue begins by hoping the reader hasn't ever heard of that René Margaret's painting of a pipe that isn't a pipe. Or maybe it's hoping that you've heard of it so that when you read "This is not a Batman story," you instantly think, "Hey! That's totally artsy fartsy! Like that art movement where Marcel Dumbchump admired urinals and people smoked pipes that weren't pipes!" Maybe this is the first DC Comic book to have Dada Issues?

Before any Actually Nerds actually me, I know Morrison's run of Doom Patrol dealt with Dada Issues.

Since this isn't a Batman story, I now have to use my brain to figure out what the story is actually about! Dammit! I hate using my brain.

That tower isn't a tower.

Whoever is behind the end of the world (according to the cover, Ra's, I guess?), tells Batman that the three previous issues were just informative displays to teach Batman about the three most likely ways the world will end. The first two choices make sense: cataclysm and plague. But the third way he says the world will end is solipsism. That only makes sense if you're a pretentious asshole who is claiming that it makes sense. Does the world end when one believes that they can't truly know it because it resides outside of themselves? Maybe but not in the same way the world ends with a cataclysm or a plague. I don't think you can say the world ends with a philosophical argument. I mean, sure, anytime somebody starts speaking philosophically to me, I want the world to end! But it doesn't. The person just goes on and on and on, philosophically masturbating into my ears. Sometimes I shit myself just so I have an excuse to leave the room.

Ra's tells Batman that he used to think the Washington Monutower was a sword. But now he thinks it looks like a penis. He says "pen" but I know that's just because he didn't get to finish his thought. Obviously he's thinking it's a penis and he's going to use it to fuck Batman. Remember, this isn't a Batman story! That must mean it's slash fanfic.

Bruce and Ra's wind up battling inside the Washington Penis for the fate of the world. I know this isn't really slash fanfic so my mind is still trying to figure out what kind of story this is if it's not a Batman story. Could it be a Superman story? What other kinds of stories does DC Comics tell?

Ra's winds up shooting Batman in the face and shooting Duke in the back of the head and ending the world with his techno-demons. That's why it's not a Batman story! Because it's a Ra's story! It's the story where he wins! Except he can't win, right? I didn't see "Elseworlds" on the cover. So I guess Ra's is probably living some kind of delusional life the way Batman lived one in the last issue.

See? It actually was a Batman story! Just like the pipe is actually a pipe even though it isn't a pipe also at the same time!

Batman is all, "This is a Batman story after all!" Oh man! And I thought I was going to have to use my brain to figure out what kind of story it really was. What a great big trick Scott Snyder just pulled on all of us! He totally wanted us to believe it wasn't a Batman story so we'd be surprised when the Batman book we purchased actually turned out to be a Batman story! Unless...whoa. What if he was telling the truth from the beginning? What if this really never was a Batman story?! That means I need to figure out what the fuck I just read.

Ra's flies away on a Man-bat while Bruce falls out of the Washington Manupenis. But he's caught by an actual Blackhawk! So now he knows the Blackhawks really do exist even if they're supposed to be a super secret undercover black ops team! I guess they don't mind if Bruce knows they exist. He might figure out a way to send them a check.

After the story ends with a shocking twist horror movie ending that probably won't actually pan out in any way or mean anything more than a phone battery dying, the Cursed Wheel backup story is finally going to end. It's supposed to be telling me why I should like Duke Dukington. It hasn't been working so far.

And it still doesn't work. The Riddler puzzle doesn't make any sense. I don't remember why Zsasz was part of this. I don't care about Duke's parents and I don't know why this Daryl guy (his cousin? Bloom? I don't remember!) is harping on him to admit that Duke's got super powers. Apparently Duke does have super powers. He can see people as spaghetti beings. Then Batman solves the riddle that was supposed to be solved or something and something and I don't know what's going on. I'm guessing this story makes sense if it's all read at one time instead of a full month between reading each part. Also, this isn't the end like it says it's the end. The stupid story continues in some shit called Dark Days: The Forge.

The Ranking!
No change. Scott Snyder really doesn't write as well as I thought he wrote five years ago.

No comments:

Post a Comment