Friday, April 28, 2017

Batwoman #2

"Eat my motherfucking pussy!"

The Review!
The word "motherfucker" is a great word if you don't think too much about it. I began thinking too much about it after typing that caption and now I'm sick with the opposite of an Oedipal Complex.

This issue begins with this Narration Box: "If you wish to cause yourself pain, how would you pick your target?" Um, look in a mirror? "Hey! I want to cause me pain. But who am me? Show me my target, mirror! OH NO! It's me!" I'm purposefully misunderstanding the Narration Box because it's poorly written as fuck. "Poorly written as fuck" is an example of something poorly written as fuck. I did that on purpose because I apparently wish to cause myself pain and have chosen to target my writing ability. You can't see it now but I'm weeping inconsolably.

This comic book references pussy eating the way a Flash comic book puns on speed. So it's no surprise that it begins with Safiyah (that name alone is practically a pussy eating reference!) drizzling honey into Kate's mouth directly out of a honeycomb. I know that's a metaphor for pussy eating because I've heard the Alice Cooper song where he calls a vagina "velcro candy sticky sweet." See? Sticky sweet like honey!

Remember Honeycomb cereal commercials from the eighties? "Honeycomb's big! Yeah yeah yeah! It's not small! No no no! Honeycomb's got a big big taste! A big big crunch for a big big bite! Pussy eating!" I think the first time I masturbated was after seeing that commercial where the biker crashes into the kids' treehouse and they sing about eating pussy.

This issue is called "The Many Arms of Death Part 2: Running Up That Hill." That's totally about orgasming a lot due to clitoral stimulation.

Silly baguette penis! This book is for lesbians!

Batwoman has been reminded of her lost year (or is it a "Lost year" as in she crashed on an island that she couldn't get off of for a year and not she took some time off to find herself year?) because she found Safiyah's dead butler on a dock in Italy. Or Greece. Don't assume I'm a terrible American with terrible geography skills! I'm a terrible American with a terrible memory and I can't remember where she was investigating the Monster Venom Terrorists. But now she's decided she needs to deal with Safiyah and that the Monster Venom Terrorists can wait. I mean, she only started her own monthly series to stop the terrorists so why not just shrug off the danger and go eat some lost year pussy?

Batwoman ditches Julia Pennyworth to find out why she was almost murdered by an assassin who was a close associate of Safiyah. She heads up to Safiyah's old bar (closed down and now owned by the Kali Corporation (get it?! Kali! The many arms of death!? Pussy eating?!) which was called The Desert Rose. That's totally a euphemism for a vagina. I learned that from Shakespeare. Whenever he talks about a rose, he means a vagina, no matter how many times he says a rose by any other name is still a rose and totally not a vagina and never mind why I put my hands down my pants every time I say rose.

Batwoman battles the assassin unimaginatively known as "Knife." She battles her poorly and must be rescued first by Julia Pennyworth's Bat Drones and then by the warlords who lived on the island under Safiyah's guidance. They might not be super excited to see Batwoman though since she's somehow responsible for the island falling apart. Probably because she broke Safiyah's heart when she moved back to Gotham.

No more pussy eating takes place this issue because Kate is too concerned with finding out what happened to the island. Apparently it was taken over by the Kali Corporation and Safiyah didn't fight it because she was too sad. Instead, she left the island and disappeared. So now I guess the Monster Venom Terrorists can continue to destroy the world while Kate resolves some conflicts from her past.

The Ranking!
No change! Guess what? It's another story about an evil corporation! Take that, corporations! Artists think you stink!

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