Sunday, April 2, 2017

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #6

I've had quite enough with the blatant sexual imagery in this comic book.

Most people spend their whole lives seeing only what is directly in front of them. I hope I never stop living that way! It's much easier to be an Out in the Open Carson, accepting everything you find on the surface. Or you can choose to be a Cave Carson with your need for deeper meaning and desire to dig down into everything you encounter. That's a lot of work! And often, you only find what you were looking for anyway! If you were concentrating on discovering diamonds, you'll probably miss all the iron ore and uranium. So what good is digging deep if you only discover the thing you began looking for in the first place? It's better to just remain on the surface and simply assume everything you think is the way things are. In the end, the shallow and the deep person wind up in the same place but the deep person is grumpy and depressed. Sometimes they're even less sure about the world than when they began to delve! Because you have to think about something while you dig and usually that something is life and your place in it. Bah! That's just existential masturbation. I'd rather engage in real masturbation and then take a nap, unfettered by worry! Stupid Cave Carson! Doesn't he know it's better not to dig around for truth?

Being that I'm one of those shallow people who don't like to dig too deeply, I'm only reading this comic book at the surface level. So for me, this book is obviously about Cave Carson dealing with his impotence. If it has a more metaphorical meaning, I don't want to know about it! I just know Cave can't get his dick hard no matter how many caves he sticks it in.

The issue begins with a flashback to the time Edward Borsten stuck his dick in a secret Muldroogian cave and wound up becoming impregnated by The Whisperer. That's what he gets for not spelunking with protection. He even left his spelunking buddy at the vagina's entrance! That's not smart at all. What happens if you need backup because the cave turns out to be too much cavern for you? I hear that's sometimes a thing!

Now I wish I had children so I could scream this every other night!

Cave, Chloe, and Wild Dog guzzle down a few pints of Night Pudding so that they're high as fuck when they rush off to battle Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail and his Fungus Daddy. They need to stop them before they wake up The Whisperer and destroy all mankind. I hope if the world ends, Superman will feel terrible about deleting Cave Carson from his phone's contacts.

Me and the crew in the early nineties doing shrooms.

The Whisperer wakes up and eats Fungus Daddy. Well, that plan seems to have been shit. I suppose if I had been turned into an immortal pile of goop constantly in immense pain while never being able to catch the eyes of the ladies, I'd probably spend all my time on a task that would end my miserable life too.

Even Wild Dog winds up having Daddy Issues even if they only come out while tripping on Night Pudding. His dad (The Whisperer (who isn't really his dad! It's the drugs talking, remember? (and maybe a bit of a telepathy)) says, "I've left more useful offspring cooling in a sock, you miserable little punk!" Gross! I don't want to hear about Wild Dog's dad jerking off into socks! Unless maybe Wild Dog's dad is Idris Elba. Then maybe I'd like to hear more about it, and in greater detail.

DC Comics in a nutshell.

Cave and his buddies kill The Whisperer in an exciting action movie sequence that totally doesn't defy any comic book law (since there aren't any. Anything can happen in a comic book as long as it gets the plot moving. Also, many stupid things happen in comic books that don't advance the plot at all and just make me think, "Why did I spend three dollars on this thing?"). But they don't have time to celebrate because Edward Borsten explodes out of the dead Whisperer's head as some kind of telekinetic alien fish monster. Cave has no idea how to stop it. But don't worry! Cave Carson isn't the only main character in this comic book. Have you forgotten about his cybernetic eye?! It rips itself out of his head and storms off to finish the fight!

I guess next issue will be a staring contest.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm not sure if Cave Carson got over his impotence this issue or not? He has a moment where his dead wife mentions that she still drives him crazy, so she must have noticed he was popping a boner. Plus when his eye popped out at the end, it was like blowing a load but not as gross. Also, he defeated the gigantic phallus with his own drill. Plus Wild Dog screamed "Fuck you, Daddy!" during the fight scene and that's pretty much quintessential sex talk. I think the second arc of this comic book is going to be about Cave Carson dealing with his regained manhood.

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