Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Superman #18

While Superman runs away crying and rending his garments, Lois and Jon look on bored.

The issue begins with these words which I'm too dumb to understand: "Time answers. Space questions. Matter questions. Energy answers." Why? Why do you think it works that way, Narrator? I can see how time answers because cause and effect only work through time. So it takes time to answer a question posed in a moment. I guess that moment is space and matter? Space and matter just sort of sit there not answering anything. I guess not answering means they're questioning. And then energy also answers because it takes effort to answer a query? Is that how it works? Or should I not be asking questions (being that I'm not space (although I am matter taking up space?))? Should I just nod along, take another hit of marijuana, and think, "Yeah! That fucking sounds right. Profound!"?

Well, this was just beginning to get sexy until Doctor Oz put a stop to the fun. Prude!

Tim Drake yells from his cage, "Someone got out!" Beside Tim Drake, in separate cages, are Doomsday, Prophecy, and probably Ambush Bug. Unless Ambush Bug is the one that got out? Oh man. I hope Ambush Bug is the one who got out!

Doctor Oz seems to know that he once lost a prisoner. And that prisoner has escaped to some blasted world with a broken obelisk (kind of like, say, a ruined statue that people should look on and despair?). Carved into the stone, over and over again, are pleas for Superman to save whoever scrawled the messages. Alongside the messages are images of Superman and Ma and Pa Kent and Clark Kent and the Daily Planet and the Superman logo. Who left these messages?! Probably Ambush Bug. He began his superhero career obsessed with Superman, remember?!

Back on Earth-Main-Earth, it's the Smiths' wedding anniversary! You know the Smiths! They used to be the Whites! Remember? And before the Whites, when they lived on a different Earth in the Preboot universe, they were the Kents! Come on, try to keep up!

While the family is busy opening gifts, Clark Kent stops by to drop off a gift of his own. Uh oh! Maybe I should finish the Mild Mannered story in Action Comics #974 before getting into this Superman Reborn story arc! Okay. I'm going to go do that first! Be right back!

Okay! I'm done with Action Comics #974. Basically all I needed to know was that Clark Kent has learned where Lois lives and that she's somehow betrayed him. For some reason, he thinks he and Lois are destined to be together. Since I left off with Clark Kent dropping off a photo album for the Smith anniversary, I realized reading Action Comics that the photo album probably fell through a DC Continuity wormhole from the Preboot Universe. Where else could Clark have gotten the idea that he belongs with Lois? The album is probably of Clark and Lois's Preboot wedding.

The album has pictures of Preboot Clark Kent's life. Unless it's Rebirth Clark Kent's life which looks just like Preboot Clark Kent's life! Whatever the case, Clark Kent disappears just like he disappeared going into his apartment in Metropolis. I thought Clark Kent's secret was going to be revealed in the Mild Mannered story but it wasn't. So now I have to wait until this four issue series concludes to find out who or what he is?! I'm sick of this guy!

After Clark disappears, the Smith family home goes up in flames. So does Jon! But they're not real flames. They're more like Langolier flames. They're erasing time and space that shouldn't exist. I know they'll figure out some way to stop the flames or else the Supersons comic book won't have an Issue #2.

The Smith farmhouse disappears and Jon goes along with it. Instead of being sad, Lois and Clark become angry. Because they know who's behind it which means they have an ass they can kick.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm surprised Pete and Pat didn't wipe out a whole bunch of animals along with the house and Jon. They could have introduced a cute little gerbil named Raquel and then BAM! Wiped from existence. HA HA HA! Take that, lovers of animals! Then they could have had a parrot land on Lois's shoulder and be all, "Love me! Love me!" Then BAM! Erased from reality! I bet that would have given Pete and Pat some serious boners. Jerks.

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