Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Batman #18

This is more erotic than Batman's rooftop humpfest with Selina.

I'm a romantic which is why I use phrases like "rooftop humpfest" and "finger banging."

We should now be viewing the Make America Great Again hats as sarcastic commentary, right? I mean aside from viewing them as the new white nationalist headgear. Although the white hood was actually less trashy than that cap. Obviously Trump isn't making America great in any semblance of the word. He's doing exactly what he convinced the idiots who voted for him the democrats would do. He's simply fucking working class people while he romances corporations. For the life of me, I'll never understand why working class Republicans trust corporations over the government. They do know that they can't vote out CEOs, right? If a corporation does something evil, you need the government to slap them on the nose with a rolled up copy of the constitution. I suppose you could also firebomb the corporation's headquarters but since you've only voted in pro-corporation Republicans, they've probably made it illegal to burn corporate buildings. Fascists. If corporate money is free speech, why isn't setting buildings on fire?

I’m trying to be interested in Batman but my anger at white working class Americans who don’t fucking know how anything works and are just bitter that there might possibly be an ethnic person receiving some kind of benefit from the minuscule amount of taxes they’ve paid that they’d rather just do away with any kind of government benefit won't let me. You would think crushing public schools would have turned them around but being that, as I pointed out and didn't cite sources because it's just such obvious information, they don't know how anything works, they probably think school vouchers means their kids get better schools and they get a tax rebate. This is, of course, nothing new. White people's heads have been exploding ever since Affirmative Action was touted as a means to push back against systemic racism. I can't even wrap my head around how many of them espouse the theory that they're Christian when their main political beliefs amount to Fear of Welfare Queens. I'm an atheist and I'm more understanding than these assholes. You don't look at the tiny percentage of people who cheat the system to prove that a system is failing. You look at how many people are helped by it. You don't remove a benefit to society because a few people abuse it. What you do is try to ensure that the system works in a way to make it hard to abuse and then assume that a certain percentage of people will always be able to abuse it, no matter what you do. The answer to your incomprehensible rage at people cheating the system is to stop thinking about the people cheating the system. It is not to burn the whole fucking thing down. Because, as I pointed out earlier, that's probably illegal! Stupid fucking anti-arson government.

Let's get back to Batman. I feel like I just breezed by that bit where the Robins were hanging in the Batcave. I made a few jokes about it and just moved on. But are Batman and Robin fans supposed to simply accept that Bane and his coterie of hotel staff themed villains were able to easily take down Nightwing, Robin, and the Dumb One? I'd like to give Tom King the benefit of the doubt but then I remember I gave Scott Snyder the benefit of the doubt for quite awhile after he invented the Court of Owls and look where that got us: All Star Batman. Ugh. We can't let Tom King get so far up his own Batman creator ass that he believes any decision he makes in pursuit of his plot is a reasonable decision. Aside from Bane and his cronies defeating the Robins (including the Dumb One), he apparently knows the location of the Bat-cave and has access to it. Was that Preboot Canon? It definitely wasn't Prebirth canon (Prebirth being the continuity between the start of The New 52 and the start of Rebirth). Sometimes, Tom King, coming up with a cliffhanger isn't worth shitting all over basic knowledge of the DC Universe. Let's pretend the Dumb One wasn't even in the equation. Dick and Damian alone could have at least fought Bane to a standstill. Maybe the Jokerized fries at Batburger really were toxic and Bane just found the Batkids lying sick in an alley.

Looks like Bane's back on the dope! Plus we're finally getting a story about Mommy Issues! About fucking time, DC. I've had it up to my prostate with Daddy Issues.

King gives us a little back story on Bane and Bruce to set up the conflict. After they both lost their mothers tragically (which totally makes them the same person who experienced the same trauma and thus are the same except for the next difference that I'll be getting to outside of this parenthetical reference), Bruce was sent to live in a mansion with a butler where he could become a responsible, strong, obsessive man with a death wish while Bane was shoved in an oubliette that flooded daily where he could become a psychotic drug user with a Mexican wrestling fetish. See? They'd be samesies if it weren't for Bruce's privilege. I hope he acknowledges it in his encounter with Bane so everything will then be okay and they can become friends. Although I assume Bane will just say something like "So what? Now you deserve an ally cookie?!" or maybe just break Batman's face.

Both young Bruce and Bane are really fucking into their mothers. It's creepy. Or is it normal? Is that how kids react when they lose their mother? I would have thought there would be more drinking and piƱatas.

No, you're a drug addict in a luchador mask. Your past is no more compelling than any of the other people you're currently denigrating and writing off.

So Batman's entire plan to distract Bane for five days is to get his ass beaten by him? For five days straight? This is going to go well. You know what might have been a good idea? Instead of asking Superman to babysit the Robins while they're in cryogenic stasis, maybe get Superman to put Bane in stasis for five days. No? I suppose there's less chance of a lawsuit kidnapping and restraining your children than doing that to a convicted criminal threatening you with death.

Bane says he's also not some rich boy playing dress-up. So I guess he does know Batman's secret identity and thus the location of the Bat-cave. I can't keep straight who knows and who doesn't know. Why should Batman even care at this point? Enough people know that the information is probably all over the Internet in hilarious meme form.

Bane beats the shit out of Batman but Batman refuses to give Psycho Pirate back to Bane. So Bane tells Room Service to kill the hostages. Uh oh! Batman better have a back-up plan! Like how he could have had that Superman back-up plan I mentioned earlier.

Oh come on! Who didn't think he had a back-up plan? Show of hands? See? No hands! I mean, I couldn't see them even if there were any but I'm certain their weren't any. Mostly because even if some of you thought he didn't have a back-up plan and this series was about to end, you'd probably be too embarrassed to admit it.

Get it?! Cats beat birds! Duh! It's evologic! That's a combination of evolution and logic, in case you're one of those dum-dums who occasionally and accidentally read one of my reviews.

Catwoman has strung up Room Service, Housekeeping, and Night Clerk back in Bane's safehouse and clawed "I am cat" into their chests. Then Batman heads into Arkham and Bane follows him. Good for Bane! He never even stops to say that stupid thing about it probably being a trap and then going in anyway. He just kicks the motherfucking door down and gets on with it.

The Ranking!
No change! I almost gave it a +1 because it ended so well with Catwoman's flexing line that I was all positive and upbeat about it. But then I remembered all the flashback sequences with Bruce and Bane saying, "Mommy this!" and "Mother that!" Fuck that shit. It was annoying.

P.S. I just noticed I didn't complain about David Finch's inability to draw the mouth of a man this issue. So, um, good job, Dave? I guess?

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