Friday, March 10, 2017

Wonder Woman #18

That skirt's a little short, Rucka. I'm beginning to think maybe you just had a problem, specifically, with Frank Cho.

I know! I can't believe it either. I'm still reading this book! It's like reading Styrofoam peanuts while eating rice cakes and getting a blow job from some guy in a back alley who really isn't into it.

What happened to Nicola Scott?! Where's my Nicola Scott issue?! All I ask if I'm to keep reading this bland story is that I get to look at Nicola Scott artwork! She hasn't been seen since Issue #14! I'm jonesing over here!

Well fine. No Nicola Scott. But at least we've got Bilquis Evely's artwork to look at this issue. Not that it compares. Comparing Bilquis to Nicola is like comparing something mediocre to something orgasmic. No offense, Bilquis!

Don't you love people who add "no offense" to critical statements? I only did it because I'm a goddamned troll. Also because I just really miss Nicola's artwork and I'd shit all over the work of anybody who followed her on a series (except Moritat! Fucking Mary sitting on Jesus's face, I love Moritat's art! (Not the Virgin Mary, you perv! Mary Magdalene! Sheesh!)). Also I called Bilquis's art mediocre! That's practically a compliment in the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lexicon!

This issue begins with Veronica of Squad Ares bringing her friend Adrianna back from the dead. She's not entirely successful. She actually just creates a holographic AI using her stored neural pathways. Holographic Adrianna accepts her new identity more quickly than I'd expect from the way Greg Rucka loves to waste comic book pages with nothing but tone building and unnecessary frivolities. But she doesn't want to be called Adrianna anymore. From now on, she's Doctor Cyber. Would it have hurt her to have spent a few extra pages thinking about her new moniker? Sure, I would have bitched about it like Willie Olsen being told he can't have any more candy by his beta cuck father. But at least she could have come up with something more exciting.

Meanwhile, Barbara Ann Minerva (the one in the past! Remember the even issues take place in the past (unless sometimes it's the odd ones that do!)) has decided, since meeting Wonder Woman and discovering Ares was real, has decided to search for other gods. I hope she discovers they're all real except for the God of The Bible (which is also the God of The Koran, so don't think I mean Allah exists as well. They're the same God, dum-dums)!

Is Barbara Ann allowed to discover the Norse Gods or will Marvels' lawyers start getting antsy?

I guess this is where Barbara Ann flies off into the exciting world of fictional archaeology and comes home as a cheetah. Because the gods are jerks!

Veronica's daughter Izzy is still a faceless husk. I guess she hasn't died from starvation yet even though it's been a year since The Phobros interfered with her life. Now she's opted to fund Barbara Ann Minerva's research into finding old gods. Mainly the one named Urzakatakaraka or whatever. I don't have enough brain space left to remember the names of sexist gods! Knowing Yahweh is already one too many!

To make sure Wonder Woman is too busy to save Barbara Ann before she can become Cheetah, Doctor Cyber hacks the world, causing all kinds of problems that are too low level for Superman to deal with but right up Wonder Woman's alley!

This is why I only use the Fremont Bridge (which is my favorite bridge because it reminds me of something out of Astro City)!

Barbara Ann winds up turning into Cheetah in what is now the only canonical way ever because Greg Rucka said so. Barbara Ann, now Cheetah, decides Wonder Woman isn't her friend anymore because she believes she lied about rescuing her. That's always a good way to turn a friend into an enemy. Just have them believe their friend lied without taking the time to figure out if the lie was really just some other kind of misunderstanding. I mean, why think, "My friend would never have betrayed me like this! I should get to the bottom of this!" when it's so much easier to think "Fucking cunt! I'll kill her!"?

The Ranking!
No change. Don't you just love revisiting the origin story of a superhero every few years?! Especially when the new origin takes well over twenty issues to tell? Are you enraptured?! Well good for you! Because I'm still bored.

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