Monday, March 27, 2017

Batman #19

Two-Face flipped his coin and discovered he had to use a water pistol from now on.

Batman has to keep Bane away from Arkham Asylum for five days while Alfred watches over Gotham Girl's treatments from Psycho Pirate. So why does Batman lead Bane straight to Arkham after their fight last issue? Probably because Batman guessed Bane would go there even if Batman didn't go there first. That Batman is a pretty smart cookie! And delicious, too!

For some reason, the inmates are wandering free in Arkham so Bane has to listen to each one rant as he stomps by. First up is Maxie Zeus who quotes Dante for some reason. Unless it's Milton. Or Shakespeare. What the fuck do I know? It could be Dr. Seuss for all my literature degree is worth!

Oh! I just figured out why he's quoting Through The Inferno and What Dante Saw There! It's because he's quoting that shit that's on the gates of Hell. I mean, I knew that's what he was quoting. What am I, not a literature major who took a few too many mushrooms during his college years? As if! I just realized I could answer the "for some reason" part. When I wrote that sentence, I was just breezing through the review so I could play some Overwatch. But then I stopped myself and I said, "Myself? Why are you even bothering writing about this comic book if you're not going to take the job seriously? People on the Internet who didn't want to spend $2.99 on a Batman comic book want to read a fairly clear and concise summation of this story (probably so they can pretend they read it and then regurgitate all of the clever things I say about it to their stupid friends who should be fucking reading my blog as well. They wouldn't be such suckers if they were!). So that's when I was all, "Oh! Bane is metaphorically entering Hell! How clever of you, Tom King!" That last bit about Tom King should be read sarcastically while making a mental note to not hit on Tom King when you next see him at a convention (unless he does something better than this trite Dante bullshit later in the issue).

Batman and Bane enter Arkham at precisely 12:00 AM so that this story can be called "Day Four" even though it takes place right after the fight between Batman and Bane during "Day Three." See how clever Tom King is? You can read that sarcastically if you want. I'm not really sure if it was sarcastic or serious. It's hard to keep track of what you really think when you're as facetious as I am about everything in life. What do I really like? What do I really hate? I have no clue anymore.

The next inmate Bane runs into is Two-Face. At least he doesn't begin the conversation with, "Call me One-Face!" Ha ha! That was terrible! Was it David Finch who wrote that line? What an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, I noticed Cullen Bunn's stupid name on the next issue of Trinity. It looks like I'll be dropping that piece of shit soon! I hope he at least has an editor who is willing to tell him when he is writing Superman, Batman, or Wonder Woman incorrectly. Because that no-spine Brian Cunningham certainly didn't have the cojones to point out that Cullen Bunn obviously didn't understand the character of Aquaman (like the simplest character to understand! He swims and speaks with fish and is boring). In fact, Cunningham backed Bunn on the idiotic decision to make Aquaman a space traveler with every super power he could think of! And nobody on that book seemed to mind that Aquaman's new costume made him look like he was constantly running around with an erection. On the plus side, I did guiltily masturbate quite a bit to that comic book! Usually I like to look at or think about naked women when I masturbate. But Aquaman's penis was so stiff and throbbing that it totally got me sexually excited thinking, "That's probably going to go into Mera's vagina and/or butthole!" I may have also thought it would go into a dolphin's blowhole. Never mind if that got me excited too.

No no no! That's not how Two-Face makes decisions at all! Somebody give him a fucking quarter!

Bane simply punches Two-Face twice: once in the gut and once in the face and once in the floor. No wait. He hits him twice: once in the face and once in the floor. No wait! The fight lasts three hits! Bane hits Two-Face in the gut then he hits Two-Face in the face then Two-Face hits the floor! There it is!

Next Bane encounters Solomon Grundy and Amygdala. Why is Solomon Grundy in Arkham? Doesn't SHADE have a monster prison? I think he'd be better off in Belle Reve.

I just realized Batman let out all of the inmates and Bane just kicked the door down when he entered Arkham. I don't think Bane has been shutting and locking doors behind him as he goes. I think Batman's going to have another Knightfall on his hands when this ends. Except it'll be backwards where he gets his back broken by Bane first and then has to hunt down the rest of the inmates.

Whenever Bane meets a new inmate, they're all, "I am a thing!" Then Bane responds, "I am a thing!" I'm beginning to think somebody broke Tom King and he can only write first person declarative sentences now. That's why all of his Batman stories have begun that way. I am Gotham. I am Suicide. I am Fucking A Cat On A Roof. I am Bane. See?

Once Bane gets through that door, Scarecrow, I think the word you'll be thinking of is agraphobia.

Scarecrow sprays Bane in the face with his fear spray (almost certainly made out of urine and toilet water). Bane manages to strain his way through the fear to declare, "I don't have nightmares! I give nightmares!" Well, we know if Tom King ever stops writing comic books, he can make some money punching up B-grade action movies.

Meanwhile, Alfred is ranting and raving in much the same way I've been doing here. He's beside himself when he discovers Batman let the other inmates out and even armed them. Batman's all, "I didn't have a choice!" And Alfred is all, "Call the fucking Justice League!" Right?! That's what I said last issue! He's totally wasting Superman's time and talents asking him to babysit the Robins. Batman should have asked Superman to sit on Bane!

Bane has to work through nearly twenty-four hours worth of inmates or else he'll get to the final confrontation with Batman too early. Next issue can't happen until we get back to midnight! So after Scarecrow, Bane battles his way past Mr. Freeze, Firefly, Black Spider, Flamingo, Man-bat, Zsasz, Mad Hatter, Dr. Phosphorous, Hush, Copperhead, and Calendar Man. I'm surprised he didn't have to fight through the Ten-Eyed Man and Kiteman as well.

Oh! I get it! He's doing the Reverse Knightfall! Bane will be exhausted from battling all of the Arkham inmates so that Batman can easily break Bane's back (again)! Or maybe Gotham Girl will be cured when Bane finally gets there and she can break Bane's back (at the cost of a few weeks from the end of her life, of course!).

Bane finally comes to the door that's been waiting to imprison The Joker behind it. It currently holds Alfred, Batman, Gotham Girl, and Psycho Pirate. But it has a lock! Instead of smashing it the Bane way, he fetches The Riddler to figure it out for him. Riddler disengages the lock just in time for an 11:59 PM David Finchian double splash page of Batman facing off against Bane. The final fight is nigh! Dante said that too, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I hope the first page of the next issue is Batman knocking Bane out in one punch. Then King can spend the final nineteen pages on fixing Gotham Girl who will probably be excited to go shopping for some new clothes which she'll have to try on which means she'll have to take off the clothes she's currently wearing! I may dislike most of David Finch's art but I know he loves to find any reason at all to draw a nearly naked woman! And his women all look like girls so even if Gotham Girl is a bit too young to be ogling in her underwear, how am I supposed to know? David Finch draws all adult women as if they were fifteen years old! The guy has issues!

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