Friday, March 24, 2017

Action Comics #975

"Bizarro am looking at Superman's ass!"

You might be thinking, "Shouldn't it be 'Bizarro am not looking at Superman's ass'?" No! Because he's embarrassed that he was caught looking at it and he's denying that he was looking at it. Which sucks for Bizarro because most people who aren't bothered with trying to understand the whole "Bizarro speak terribly" thing (I don't know if I meant that in Bizarro or not. Bizarro speak really am good. Bad. Whatever) will just nod their heads in agreement and think, "Yeah you are!"

The good thing about being a full week behind on my comics (in a manner of speaking. I currently have 28 comics in the stack. At 14 per week and this being so close to a new week when I should have about 14 in the stack anyway, I'm one week behind. Maths! But then some of those comics are a month behind because of the odd way I've been reading them. Like how I have two Mother Panic issues to read) is that I get to read the last three Superman Reborn comics at once! Probably not at one sitting though. I'm already jonesing to play Friday Overwatch.

At the end of the last issue, DC included a page with a title something like "Who is behind Mystery Clark Kent?! It's not as surprising as you might think so here are five super villains that DC has been using way too much lately. Try to guess which one is behind the mystery!" Then, like this cover, it had a bunch of characters to choose from. I forget exactly which ones but I'm sure it was Doomsday and Cyborg Superman and Mongul and Brainiac and Mr. Mxyzptlk. I'm sure Mxy was included because there's a bad thing about being a full week behind on reading comics too: I already saw Mxy on the cover of Superman #19. I'm glad he's the villain because he hasn't been as overused as the other ones. Plus it's easy to explain any inconsistencies in the plots since Rebirth if the person behind the story is Mxy and not just Dan Jurgens.

At the end of the last issue, Jon Smith was wiped out of existence. There's been a lot of that going on. He was wiped in Justice League too! To increase tension, DC Comics probably should have waited to release Supersons until after this story concluded. Now I know he's going to be fine or else the next issue of Supersons will be Superson. And that will be a little too confusing if it's a comic book about Damian Wayne and called Superson. People will begin thinking somebody was cuckolded.

Clark and Lois (the Smiths! Not the Kents!) head to Clark Kent's apartment in Metropolis to search for Jon.

No! No! Not the fridge! This is going to be grotesque!

Jon isn't chopped up inside the fridge even if that would have been the best Rebirth moment yet. Instead, it's full of junk food. If it wasn't for the cover with Mr. Mxyzptlk on it, I'd be guessing Bizarro was the culprit. But I'm also a card carrying member of the Trixie Belden School of Detectivanting (that's doing detective work while gallivanting around the globe) so I saw some huge clues earlier that Clark Kent couldn't be Bizarro. Like how he could conjugate "to be". Not that most Americans could conjugate "to be" if you asked them. "To be. To have been. To be better. To behave?"

Clark appears out of nowhere (he must have been in nowhere since Superman didn't hear his heartbeat nearby). Superman immediately resorts to violence while accusing Clark of taking their son. That's understandable, I guess. I don't know if I'd be angry if somebody took my son but if they took my cat, I'd throw punches first, ask questions later (after regaining consciousness from being beaten up because I suck at fighting). Clark responds with, "Oh, the son you never told me about?!" Why the fuck would Superman need to tell Clark Kent about his son?! This guy has an ego problem. Hmm. Being that Clark is really Mxy, that previous statement is pretty fucking obvious.

Mr. Mxyzptlk reveals his plan to Superman. He was just trying to help Superman regain his secret identity by pretending to be Clark Kent. And he wasn't just pretending! He cast a spell so strong that he truly believed he was. Well, he calls it a spell. But really, he's just manipulating three dimensional reality the way I...well, never mind what I was going to compare that to. It's personal.

Mxy reveals his plan but not his identity. He wants Superman to guess! Well, that should take the rest of the comic book seeing as how answering questions isn't as easy as punching faces.

Wait. So he is Bizarro? I'm confused!

Mr. Mxyzptlk finally reveals himself and tells Superman that he's going to make everybody forget about Jon the way Superman forgot about Mxy. That's cool. I'd be okay with the moment at the end of this issue where Lois says "Jon who?" being the end of the Superman Reborn story. I'm already forgetting about the little fucking cat murderer.

The Ranking!
No change! At least Jurgens didn't wait until the last possible moment to reveal Clark Kent's true identity. Also, I don't know why I'm doing this ranking bit when I haven't even mentioned the back-up story yet! Whoops!

The back-up story takes place in a world of doors. It's where Jon's being kept captive by Mxy. Maybe "captive" is the wrong word since they're just hanging out the way friends do. Although if my friend Doom Bunny ever dropped by unexpectedly, I'd feel like I was being held captive in my own home. So maybe "held captive" is synonymous enough with "hanging out with friends."

Mxy tells Jon a story about the last time he tried to come to Earth to fuck with Jon's dad. I mean play with him! I guess "fuck" and "play" can also be synonymous, right?! Anyway, when Mxy appeared, he was instantly captured by Dr. Oz. Mxy's feelings were hurt when Superman never came to save him. He really does have a huge ego, doesn't he?

Mxy lets Jon know that he's stuck in Doorland until Superman figures out how to beat him. How will Superman get Mxy to say his name backwards this time? I bet he just punches Mxy in the face until Mxy says "Uncle." I mean "Kltpzyxm!"

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