Friday, March 10, 2017

Suicide Squad #12

Harley's head could fit down Deadshot's throat! Sexy!

Last issue ended with Amanda shot in a dark alley by a man wielding two pistols. This issue begins with Amanda (skinny because John Romita Jr. can't draw fat people) rushed to a hospital with a single gunshot wound to the chest. Two pistols and the assassin only managed one hit? I bet it the assassin was Deadborn.

Does anybody else remember Deadborn? Every time I want to bring him up, I call him Stillborn before doing a little research on my own blog to remember his real name. If you're wondering, "Who the fuck comes up with the name Deadborn?", I can only give you one answer. Luckily it's an answer that will completely clear up the confusion: Rob Liefeld.

While Amanda is dying, she's Narration Boxing some really lucid shit that, while lucid, doesn't really make a lot of sense. She's all, "These doctors could save my life if they had the time! But I'm not going to give them the time! Because I should die! It's a good thing I set up these protocols to make sure that if I'm shot in a dark alley without anybody knowing, the protocols could totally kick in and some armed guards would appear at the nearest hospital to keep the doctors from saving me! Winner!" Then I guess she dies. Probably.

Rustam is busy not being able to get over Amanda's betrayal. So he's decided to break into Blackgate. He's got help from Djinn, so it looks like he's getting the old team together. That team is the Jihad. They're totally not in any way associated with Islam! They're from the country of Qurac which is, granted, located in the Middle East. But the residents of Qurac are terrorist assholes based on no religion at all. They're just made up terrorist assholes that DC can use so that people don't get all over their dick about stereotyping. "It's Qurac! A nation where only evil people live! Duh! Get off my dick!" is the kind of thing they probably say a lot.

I wonder what it's like to ink John Romita Jr.'s pencils? I wonder if the inker is constantly thinking, "I could really tighten this up. Or improve this. Or really fucking make this look like somebody with talent drew it. But you know what? I don't get paid that much." I wish Richard Friend would send me an anonymous message detailing what it feels like to get John Romita Jr. pages in the mail. He could stay anonymous! I would just say "A little friend told me...wink wink!"

The other side of the screen is the back of Harcourt's head! Ah ha ha! Oh, Johnny. You are terrible.

Amanda Waller allows herself to die. I guess so she can come back as Deadwoman? It's not going to work as well as Deadman since she's dying topless on a surgeon's table. She won't be approved for anything but mature content comic books.

When the Suicide Squad arrives at Blackgate to stop the Jihad, Rustam reveals that he's come up with a new name for the team because, well, you know why. His team is now called The Burning World and doesn't make me think of radical Islamic terrorists at all! It puts me more in mind of Midnight Oil.

Rustam figures he'd better reintroduce his, sorry...his Burning World buddies to this Suicide Squad since only Flag, Deadshot, Enchantress, and Boomerang remember any of them. So, really, most of this Squad remembers them.

First up is Manticore, a genetically modified man with a lion's head and the inability to come up with clever retorts! RRRAAAR! Word to your mother!

Manticore can turn into a spirit tiger? Why a tiger when he has the head of a lion?! This makes all kinds of no sense at all!

Second up is Jaculi, a speedster who throws javelins. DC has opted to go with the male Jaculi. I guess otherwise she would have been held in Blackgate's Women's Annex?

Third up is Ravan. He's kind of boring. I think he was just Deadshot's nemesis which means he's good with guns. You know how evil super villain teams work! They always have to be weird mirrors to the team they're fighting. If you're thinking, "Then why a speedster with Jaculi?", you're obviously not a real fangender! Fake fangender! Fake Fangender! You should totally know that Captain Boomerang's nemeses are always speedsters because it continues the theme of nothing ever making any sense in comic books. Ever.

The Burning World Buddies defeat the Squad and send Katana and Rick Flag through a portal into the unknown (I bet that will be the story in the second half!). Djinn picks up a message over the Internet or radio or whatever the fuck he's tuned into that Amanda Waller has died. So Burning World Buddies decide enough's enough for now and they take off. But they explain their plan: all prisoners everywhere shall be free forever! What a radical concept! I suppose he doesn't care if they're recaptured, right? I mean, how many times do you have to save some idiot before he starts taking responsibility for saving himself? Or herself, of course! I don't want to not include women in my blanket "idiot" statement.

The back-up story is Amanda's funeral because she's totally dead. No question about it. Gone. Forever. Stop doubting it, doubter!

Or keep doubting? What do I care? Even Harcourt is doubting even though she identified the body. Something fishy is going on and she's going to find out what!

Harcourt is terrible at her job. A bullet to the heart is not Rustam's M.O. That would be decapitation.

Harley and Hack do some detective work before they come up with the person who has the actual obvious M.O.: Deadshot! Duh! Also, Waller is dead. Absolutely dead. Never coming back. Done. No longer a part of the Suicide Squad. Don't even think it's some kind of trick. What do you think you are? Some kind of Grandmaster Comic Book Reader? I'm telling you she's dead!

The Ranking!
No change!

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