Thursday, March 16, 2017

Supergirl: Being Super: Book Two

This is where that jerk Jen dies because everything always has to be about her.

This issue is called "Hold On!" That probably means that the theme will have something do with holding on! It sounds like I just made the most obvious statement in the world but you probably didn't realize that I mean the holding on in a figurative sense. It's a metaphor for life! This is going to be the literary equivalent of the poster with the kitten falling out of a tree that's supposed to be uplifting but is just a really macabre thing to have in your office. That kitten probably died during that photo shoot!

The issue begins with Jen not being able to hold on after she falls in a giant crack that opened up during an earthquake the way giant cracks never actually open up during earthquakes. Sure, sometimes buildings fall down or bridges break or the ground cracks open enough for a lake to drain out. Maybe. I might be wrong about some of those. But I don't think giant cracks ever actually open up under your feet. I've lived through so many earthquakes having grown up in California that I think I'm the best authority you'll find on how giant cracks don't open up during earthquakes. It's science! I've experienced earthquakes and I've never seen a giant crack. Therefore they never happen. Q.E.D. That means my logic is unassailable.

Kara Danvers almost helps Jen hold on but then Kara's powers short out because she's been masturbating too much. Remember how when Kara's vagina explodes in a FWASH, she releases all of her stored yellow sun energy and then rolls over and falls a sleep for an hour? Well, she's apparently really been going at it a lot lately, being at that age, and so her powers have gotten wonky. Instead of saving the day by holding on to Jen, Kara loses her powers and Jen falls into a chasm to either die or become a super villain. It's the perfect origin story for a super villain! I wonder if her last name was Luthor?

No. Jen's stupid last name was Bard. Maybe she was the daughter of Jason Bard? He's a guy that huge comic book nerds know. He's famous enough that he has an old Who's Who entry! It's all about how lame he is. No, no! Literally! He's got a bum leg!

You're allowed to call people with mobility problems "lame" in comic books. Jane Foster said so.

Kara mourns by eating lots and lots of cereal. After that, she needs to burn off the cereal calories because she's still in high school and she doesn't want to be the fat girl as well as the girl that masturbates constantly. Everybody knows when Kara masturbates because of the loud boom and the flash of light that can be seen on the horizon. Also because she uses her super ventriloquism to yell "I'm coming!"

Just to make sure everybody understood that the "Hold on!" title wasn't just about literally holding on to Jen but also about figuratively holding on to Jen, Kara breaks down while thinking, "How could I not hold on to her?!"

I would probably have scanned a picture by now but I don't want to break the binding of this comic book by shoving it in my scanner. That's almost the exact same excuse for not shoving things up my ass.

At Jen's memorial service, a background person mentions how they haven't found Jen's body. A-ha! A super villain! I fucking knew it!

Oh! And I found a picture that I wanted to scan that was in the right place on the page so that I could scan it without harming the comic book.

I didn't know an egg in an egg cup was a Christian symbol. What does it represent?!

Jen's sister Beat-Rice is an idiot. She doesn't say anything emotional or intelligent. She's just all, "You made macaroni and shit! You were fucking fast but not fast enough, amirite?! Yo, you in heaven, sis? See you later! Beat-Rice out!"

After the memorial, Kara's coach hits on her. Yeesh! That's so inappropriate. At least wait until Kara's showering in the locker room and her best friend isn't dead!

Kara wears black and white checkered Vans. That was important enough to get a paragraph all to itself.

Kara's got a pretty good home life. The kind of home life that Superman had. That's the thing about Superman and Supergirl that makes them special. Not that they're from Krypton and have extraordinary powers. It's that they had great families and grew up without Daddy Issues. It's what makes the current run of Supergirl so awful! In The New 52 (it could have been earlier than The New 52 as well! I don't know every fact in the world!), somebody decided it would be a good idea to make Zor-el into Cyborg Superman. Somebody made the decision to give Supergirl Daddy Issues. Because how dare she be happy with her adopted family and growing up as an Earthling? Some writer is always coming along with another hot take on Superman or Supergirl and how they should be emotionally fucked up about their real parents and their original home. That's why I'm glad the biggest Daddy Issue Kara is dealing with in this comic book (so far!) is that her dad doesn't want to discuss her growing body with her! She thinks he doesn't want to talk about her super powers but I think he just feels weird talking about any of the changes her body is going through. Some dads find that stuff uncomfortable!

Kara and Dolly ditch their parents to meet up at Burger Shack and have some fries and shakes and to hold on to Jen. It's also an opportunity to remind the reader that the weird coach gave Jen, Kara, and Dolly bracelets that track their every movement. Gay! I mean suspicious! We already knew she was gay by the way she tried to take advantage of Kara's sad feelings at the memorial for a quick roll in the lesbian hay.

Kara's mom has a sweet chat with her before putting her to bed so that Kara can dream the only dream she ever has: the moment she was put in a capsule and shot off from Krypton. She doesn't know that's what the dream is about though! At least she didn't know until maybe tonight. She remembers her father and her mother. He mother says, in Kryptonian, "Be sage, Kara Zor-el, my daughter." That's a weird thing to say! "Be sage"?! I don't want to assume that the letterer made a typographical error so I'm going to assume it's canon that those were Alura's last words. "Be sage, Kara Zor-el, my daughter!"

The dream reminds Kara of the pod in the barn with the garish red blanket so she goes out to the barn to masturbate.


Meanwhile, somebody somewhere else has been handcuffed to a machine with Kryptonite handcuffs! It's either the primary or the secondary subject. I think maybe the coach is interested in more than just an underage lesbian hookup!

The Ranking!
+2! This book looks gorgeous and is smart and emotional and funny and other stuff that people who like comic books would enjoy. It doesn't have any decapitations though. So if that's what you're into, you might want to skip this and wait for Damian: Being Sadistic.

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