Thursday, March 2, 2017

Supergirl #6

Is this the inappropriate cock drawn on the cover variant?

• Right now, I don't know if I want to name my own price on car insurance or fuck Flo deep in the ass.

• In a lot of ways, that above bullet point is everything I strive for this blog to be. I fail an awful lot. But that bullet point up there? That's pure.

• This issue begins with a super exciting moment that forces me to pretend that I'm not now sitting uncomfortably in a load of sticky baby creation vinaigrette.

To be fair, my current pants situation might not be entirely the fault of the word "finale." I did just spend an awfully long time staring at that ad of Flo putting the name your price gun right up to against her lips.

• The main problem with these constant reboots is that fans that stick around from one new universe to the other are forced to reread the same fucking stories over and over again. I fucking get it already, Steve! Supergirl has worse Daddy Issues than that stripper I tipped too well and made too much eye contact with who thought that was an invitation to provide a therapeutic ear for her as she gyrated near my vinaigrette decanter. Is it too much to ask that when I walk into a building that screams in bloody neon "Objectify women sexually here!" that I not have to learn that they're real people with real problems?!

• A lot of what I write is just lying for entertainment reasons (mostly my own entertainment). Like, did I really go to a strip club recently or was that just to build a metaphor I thought was funny? Am I really sitting in a squelchy load of nutsauce? Have I ever found Flo attractive? I mention this because I was reminded of my favorite stripper ever by fabricating that last stripper story and I wanted to retell it but I wanted everybody to know it was absolutely true! So here it is:

I think I met a stripper super villain in Vegas this weekend. She told me her name was Princess Unicorn Pants and for $25, she'd stab me in the face and choke me. All that for $25?! How could I refuse! I wonder if that's why I can barely speak now? It could also be the cause of my spontaneous loss of depth perception.

• Okay, so I can tell you part of that story isn't true because I still regret not finding out what would have happened if I'd spent that twenty-five dollars. I like to think Princess Unicorn Pants totally understood me and that she doesn't offer the Stabby-Chokey to just any pervert who wanders into her club.

• The only reason I had an orgasm in my pants over the word "finale" is because I noticed before reading the first panel of that first page that it begins with somebody in the New York Headquarters of the DEO saying, "Chief Bones." That totally would have been the money shot.

• Currently, National City is being attacked by Cyborg Supermen from outer space. This is happening so that Steve Orlando could use the pun "Rain of the Cyborg Supermen." Totally worth bringing back Cyborg Superman and going over nearly the same ground covered in The New 52 Supergirl comic book.

• Cameron Chase, Dr. Veritas, Cat Grant, and Supergirl have a plan to finally defeat Cyborg Superman. Hopefully in one of those "once and for all" kind of ways. Hopefully they'll smash him into scrap iron and toss him into the sun. Then they'll run some kind of spectrographometer that will pop out a punch card reading, in English and verified by Wonder Woman's lasso, "No trace of Cyborg Superman. Utterly destroyed forever and not 'forever' in comic terms but in the actual definition of forever. Good riddance, fuckbumble." It would be odd for a machine to use the word "fuckbumble" but that could be used as a seed for some future plot where machines rise up, not to take over the world, but to just be really snarky assholes to the people trying to use them.

Oh, the Kryptoniad! Who can forget it's powerful first line: "Great Krypton lay in a dark and stormy night."

• The joke in that caption probably fully hit for only like five people.

• To stop the Cyborg Superpeople, Cat Grant uses the Catco App on the phones of every citizen of National City who uses the app because they didn't read the terms of service that stated "We can hijack your phone at any time if it will help save National City (or promote Catco Enterprises in any way)." The app sends out a signal that shuts down the Cyborg Superpeople, allowing Supergirl to walk up to a now powerless Cyborg Superfather and say, "Dad. Suck my fucking dick."

• Argo City crashes into the ocean a few miles out from National City and doesn't cause a tidal wave of any kind whatsoever. Also, Supergirl is more compassionate than I am. She doesn't tell her dad to suck her dick at all! Instead, she hugs him and is all, "We could have worked together, daddy. Why wouldn't you love me?" Then all of the heroes in the DC Universe feel the strengthening of another Daddy Issue and silently shed a tear.

• So instead of crashing into the sun and being obliterated for all time so I never have to read another Cyborg Superman story again, Cyborg Superman and his city crash just off shore from National City. Just the perfect place for Supergirl to shrug her shoulders and think, "I guess that takes care of that! No reason to follow up at all!"

Wait a second. The Pacific Ocean? National City is on the West Coast?! With a name like National City, I assumed it was a version of Washington, D.C. But not Washington, D.C., obviously, since it isn't the seat of the United States government. But more like the way Metropolis and Gotham are both kind of New York but New York still exists as well. I guess it's pseudo Los Angeles or quasi San Francisco or quasi-pseudo San Diego.

• Great. So now Hank Henshaw has become the Randall Dowling of the DC Universe? Now that he's returned from space with some secret super power, he's gallivanting around the globe collecting alien technology to use for his own ominous purposes.

• Later, one of Doctor Veritas's aides mentions why there wasn't any tidal waves and I'm all, "Oh, sure! Make me look stupid for wanting an explanation and then giving it to me later after I'd already complained about it." The tidal wave was absorbed by "Dr. Aquadus' field." I would have made that "Dr. Aquadus's field" but then I'm just a barbarian storming down the gates of language. I also will never for the life of me say "an historical something or other." But the weirder part is that a guy named Aquadus went into aquatic sciences! The weirdest part is that I first thought the tidal wave field absorber was invented by Dr. Aquadog.

• Supergirl didn't let Cyborg Superman crash into the ocean because she likes boring plots, I guess. She took him back to Dr. Veritas's lair in the center of the Earth to be made Kryptonian again. That would make more sense if he were human because you'd understand that when I said "be made human again" that I meant he was being de-robotified.

The Ranking!
No change! It was difficult to check my excitement on reading the Chief Bones comment but I had to rate this book based on its merits. And its merits only consisted of phrases that included the words "Cyborg" and "Superman," so I couldn't help but be mostly bored by them.

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