Friday, March 24, 2017

Justice League #17

No wonder Lex Luthor hates this asshole. Has Superman ever outsmarted any enemy other than Mxyzptlk?

I don't care if I spell the fifth dimensional imp's name wrong. It's not my responsibility to make sure everything I write is correct. My only responsibility is to my ego!

Although my belief in my ego is so strong, I'm pretty fucking sure I nailed the spelling.

The Justice League have been scattered all over time in a story I've been referring to as "Plotless" since I first thought of calling it that just now in this sentence. So the "been referring" bit might have been hyperbole.

Superman is in the far flung future negotiating with a giant techno-baby in the hopes of saving the world. Batman is in the future as well but Batman is scouring historic records in the library to discover how best to invest his money in the year 2017. You might think that's a selfish waste of time when he should be trying to save the world. But if he doesn't stop time from being rewritten, none of this research will matter. So now he has even more incentive than Superman to stop time from changing. And, yes, I know Superman's motivation is saving his family. But come on! Money!

How many of you would read a series of Fantastical Fuck-Fighting Books? They would be like those Fighting Fantasy books from the eighties but with more fucking. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start writing those. The first one will be called More Cock on Ginger-Topped Mounters.

Ooh! I might have to steal this for my Fantastical Fuck-Fighting Book!

I wish I were a painter. I think I'd do a series of historical figures jerking off.

The giant green Brainiac baby that looks like an old man also is named Tempus the Timeless Mind. For being a timeless mind, it's odd that he only seems to exist in the far future. I'm probably jumping the gun by making that criticism. I'm sure he's about to explain his name in the four large speech bubbles following the one where he tells Superman his name. That was as far as I got before I decided I wanted to see what I had to say about that and turned back to my blog. I hate to criticize my own work, but I could have probably put more effort into my reaction. If I weren't busy mentally composing my masterpiece of Joan of Arc masturbating at the head of a French army, maybe I would have thought up a good Tempussy joke.

In the second speech bubble, Tempus explains that his consciousness stretches from one end of time to the other. Pshaw! As if time has two ends! It only has one end! The other is a beginning. DUH! I only have a fifth grade education and I know that!

I actually have a Bachelor's Degree in Literature but I really stopped paying attention to all of my teachers in fifth grade.

Tempus explains what's happening to Superman but, like me sitting in front of Mr. Melrose explaining history to me in sixth grade, he doesn't hear a word he says. Superman's only concern is where his family has gone. If he'd been listening, he'd probably know...well, I don't know what he'd know. I wasn't listening either. Which is weird because I was reading it! Of course it's hard to comprehend what you're reading when you're really just picturing a woman wearing only the top half of a suit of armor while on horseback with her hand shoved up herself.

Every time a writer has Superman resort to punching, I kick my friend Doom Bunny in the balls. I can't wait until he comes to visit for the Electric Six show in June! Boy do I have a backlog of nut kicks for him!

Superman only begins listening when he's overpowered by Brainiac Baby's personal bodyguards. I can't think of a worse way to portray Superman. Have him demand answers from somebody and then threaten to punch them in the face until they do as he says. Bryan Hitch is terrible.

The other Justice League members are still strewn about time fighting the Timeless. They all get a page to remind the readers that they're still helping even though Superman's role is probably the most important. The guy from the Infinity Corporation said as much last issue.

With moments like these, you can tell Bryan Hitch isn't really concentrating on the other Justice League members. I'm sure his script just read "Page 5: Something about Wonder Woman. Maybe allude to Rucka's series. Page 6: Something with Flash. Think up some speed puns. Page 7: Aquaman. Even just writing his name was boring!"

In the 30th Century, Brainiac 5 gives Cyborg a Legion Flight Bracelet. He was into jangly jewelry when he was a kid. But giving it to Cyborg makes him realize he should develop rings instead. Way to put your mark on the DC Universe, Bryan Hitch! What a fantastic bit of trivia for Fangenders everywhere! "Did you know that the Legion Flight ring didn't start out as a ring?" one will ask in the future, rubbing his fat goatee thoughtfully. His friend will respond with "I tap two mountains and a forest to summon my Draconian Elf."

I think the target audience for the Suicide Squad/Banana Splits Special might be me and me alone. Sorry for the interruption! But since I was interrupted by the two page centerfold Hanna-Barbera team-ups advertisement, you can handle being interrupted by my extremely limited comment on it.

Big Baby Brainiac reveals his plan to Superman because he thinks he's already won, the way baddies always do. But then stupid fucking Superman is all, "Oh yeah? Well my friends have been sent to stop it!" At which point, Tempus says, "No, they were wiped from existence." So Superman gets lucky because Tempus didn't buy that the plan to stop him was in full effect. But then Superman says, "No, no! They got away and are stopping your Time Bombs right now!" He's such a fucking douche.

Tempus's plan is to move Earth-New-Earth to the end of time where it can do its own thing without screwing up the rest of the universe. Molly's plan is to use the Justice League to stop that from happening. But Superman has a different plan!

Superman is your annoying friend who votes third party because they think they're so fucking smart and above it all.

The plan to stop both seeming threats was the exact plan the Justice League used in the first story, "The Extinction Machines," wasn't it?

Superman's new plan is to use force to stop Tempus from doing something Superman doesn't want Tempus to do. In this case, that's probably a good decision. But the way Superman is going, he's going to begin physically threatening Burger King clerks if they put mustard on his Whopper.

The Ranking!
-1! I haven't spent a lot of time analyzing them but I have a deep suspicion that all of Bryan Hitch's stories are really just the same story.

No comments:

Post a Comment