Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Justice League #16

Batman's fist is blocked because you know what he's doing.

The current Justice League story is stupid. That isn't a surprise because Bryan Hitch is writing it. Bryan Hitch is an artist who DC Comics hired to both draw and write the Justice League of America. But then they realized he can't make deadlines if he's doing both jobs so they decided to halve his workload. But for some reason, they thought things would work better if he did the writing instead of the drawing. That might have been a good decision if your main concern was deadlines but it was a terrible decision if your main concern was entertaining DC fans.

I wish more editors would carry Tasers on them so that when a writer decides to pitch a time travel story, the editor could just whip out the Taser and shoot the idiot writer in the neck. Most time travel stories are terrible and since Primer already exists, why even bother to write time travel stories anymore? I like that the title of Primer doesn't have to just represent the notes the main character keeps so that he can repeat the past correctly but can also be read as the writer saying, "Hey! All you other time travel writing fuckfarts? This is how you do it. Bitches. I'd drop the mic now but it was fucking expensive and I'm only an independent movie producer."

I guess this means fifteen minutes as experienced by somebody with their family at Thanksgiving.

Growing up, I had three Thanksgiving traditions: eating a ton of mashed potatoes, watching Ray Harryhausen films on Channel 36, and trying to fingerbang my cousin.

Time has been changed and that's a bad thing, I suppose. What do I know about good and bad? You read my Thanksgiving traditions!

Anyway, time doesn't change immediately like you'd think it probably should. Or maybe you don't think that since you probably think the arbiter of time travel rules is Back to the Future which proved that time changes slowly. Michael J. Fox had a Polaroid to prove that. So now that time has changed, the changes are rippling up through eternity, giving Batman ten minutes to save time! Although if he fails, everything will still exist except a bunch of people will go on the Internet to write, "Does anybody else remember superheroes being real? I remember while growing up, they were real! Is this the Mandela Effect?!" And a bunch of people will answer, "Oh my God! I remember that totally correctly too!" And nobody will write, "You people are idiots who are just remembering something wrong and have decided that reality is subjective and malleable rather than have to admit you remembered something wrong." Although in this case, they'd be right! I hate how comic books are always portraying things opposite of how they are in the real world. In comics, time can be changed but in the real world, no way! In comics, gods are real and all over the place but in the real world, Ha ha! Ludicrous! In comics, nice guys are actually nice guys but in the real world, they're men's rights activists who think women won't fuck them because the women have something wrong with them. THEY THINK IT'S THE WOMEN WHO HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM!

The Infinity Corporation needs Superman to fix the Time Crisis. Who are the Infinity Corporation, you're probably asking? More like "when" are they! OUCH! I just punched myself in the face!

The Infinity Corporation aren't being honest with Superman and Batman about who they are. But they make sure to have a conversation about how they aren't who they say they are so that the reader can grip the edges so hard that the comic goes from fine to poor while also shouting, "WHO ARE YOU?! I HAVE TO KNOW! ALSO, WILL I EVER HAVE SEX?!"

The other Justice League members have been sprinkled throughout time to stop Time Bombs from going off and changing everything. Aquaman is in Atlantis 47,000 years ago. Coincidentally, it's the day his beloved crystal zodiac figurines were created! The weird thing is that the Atlanteans created the same creatures in their zodiac even though it was 45 thousand years or so earlier than when the Babylonians created theirs. Surely Cancer would have looked more like a frying pan and Libra would have looked like a man drumming on a bucket outside of a department store. And why did they only carve twelve? What about the secret thirteenth symbol of the zodiac, the puking serpent?

The Green Lanterns are in 26th Century America. It's a fucking disaster. But everybody is a Green Lantern, so I guess that makes up for the sleeping in rubble living conditions and the dinners of deep fried rat asshole.

Cyborg is in Legion of Super-Heroes time and Barry is in Speed Force Creation Days and Wonder Woman is in Greece when the Olympians were created. Each of them has to disarm a Time Bomb or the world will change. So even if they fail, it's not like anything will be destroyed. It's just that new stories will be created! And none of those stories will have superheroes. Except they'll still probably have heroes like Batman and Green Arrow and Blue Beetle since those are just guys with lots of money and a penchant for vigilantism. So actually, it'll be DC Comics' accountants favorite world! Every comic published each month will basically have to star Batman!

It's how you build trust with everybody else! Hypocrite!

Superman, Batman, and the Infinity Corporation are far into the future where the time ripples end. They figure that's where the person behind it all resides. I guess that person's life in the future just wasn't good enough so they had to change some shit. I bet the whole point was to change everything just enough so that this person's dick would somehow be bigger. I can't explain how that would work! Time DNA or something!

The antagonist is a huge, gross baby? I hope Superman punches it!

I bet Batman's plan to save the world is to perform a Time Abortion!

The Ranking!
No change! This story feels timeless! And not in a good way! In the waiting in line at the Post Office only to realize when you get to the counter that you meant to go to the DMV way!

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