Friday, March 17, 2017

Blue Beetle #6

Motherfuckin' dance party! Um, motherfuckers!

Sometimes when I use the word "motherfucker," I feel like I need to use it again almost immediately. It's the kind of word that really goes great with itself. It also pairs nicely with fingerbanging.

When I see Keith Giffen's name on a comic book, I often think, "I'd better outlive this motherfucking motherfucker." Not that I'm wishing he'd die! I just know he's super old! Like almost twenty years older than me! Oh shit. That's it? Fuck. I'm super old! I really hope I don't die before Giffen! Now I'm fucking worried about it. My side has been aching. Could that be terminal?!

This is the first page of the comic book.

That first page is why I'm going to die before Giffen does! I spent four hours Wednesday night partially stripping the wax off the floor of a pet store (as well as reapplying the wax and generally cleaning the rest of the store (most of which needs to be stripped too!)) and he did that in about ten seconds and was already done with 5% of his job. Good for Giffen! He really knows how to let comic books be comic books. Some writers would have cluttered up this page with a bunch of Blue Beetle Narration Boxes so they could impress fans with their wordsmithing, even though those same fans probably hate every single decision the comic book writer has ever made about their favorite character. Although the laugh is on them if Blue Beetle is their favorite character! Dum-dums! Haven't they ever heard of Wolverine?!

Jaime is upset with Ted because Ted doesn't tell him anything. To be fair to Ted, no character written by Keith Giffen ever speaks any dialogue that would ever be considered clear and concise and meant to inform another character of something. Giffen learned how people speak with others by watching Abbott and Costello. That's a reference people my and Keith Giffen's age would understand!

As if Jaime doesn't have enough cities which were bombarded in his own lifetime to choose from. Why is he bringing up Dresden?!

It's probably better that Giffen had Jaime use Dresden as an example. Bombing an entire city into rubble is okay to talk about when the Baby Boomers were doing it to a country full of Nazis, even if they almost killed Kurt Vonnegut while doing so. If you're going to bring up the specter of English speaking countries bombing the motherfucking shit out of a city full of non-English speakers, Dresden is the least controversial city to bring up because even though it was basically a bombing campaign against civilians and porcelain, it really gave those Nazis a black eye!

In the next panel, Kord brings up Jaime's mention of Dresden and guesses Jaime has been studying World War II. Good job, Mr. Giffen! Way to throw in an excuse for your old man reference coming out of a kid's mouth before some Internet asshole could blast you for it! I mean Internet assholes who read the entire comic book before commenting on them. Your scheme doesn't work for jerks like me who can't put down the comic book fast enough to make a snide remark about it online!

Jaime finally gets Ted Kord to stop bantering and avoiding answering questions. Ted finally tells Jaime what he knows about the Scarab and a man named Dan Garrett. He was the boring Blue Beetle!

After learning about Dan Garrett (which we, the readers, learned about a few issues ago. Remember that time we were all bored to tears? That was Dan Garrett!), Jaime flips the fuck out and flies away. Doctor Fate, who was spying on everybody, flies after him. Maybe we'll find out which Doctor Fate this is soon! I hope it's not that medical college bore who refused to fuck his neighbor even though she kept throwing her vagina at him. Ugh, I hated that guy! He was worse than Dan Garrett.

Jaime decides to hunt down Mordecai which seems like a rash decision. And reading a few more pages, I learn it definitely was a rash decision! Jaime has his soul pulled out of the top of his head by Mordecai. But that also was a rash decision because all that does is free up the Blue Beetle Scarab to do what it's been wanting to do ever since it entered Jaime and he was all, "No way! We don't kill, Blue Beetle armor!" Now that it's free of the prude, it decides to smash the fuck out of Mordecai. And Mordecai's master is all, "Oh! Isn't it delicious!"

But before the Blue Beetle armor can kill Mordecai while Mordecai continues to act like he's Jesus Christ on the cross, Doctor Fate arrives to destroy Blue Beetle. He doesn't seem to care about Mordecai or his master, the disembodied voice inside the ziggurat. They're no worry as long as they don't get their hands on the Blue Beetle scarab, I guess.

The Ranking!
No change. This must be the Kent Nelson (or was it Nelson Kent?) Doctor Fate since he hasn't once asked if he was dreaming or on drugs like that Khalid moron.

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