Monday, March 13, 2017

Deathstork #13

Once again, I've spent all the time I have to read this comic on Photoshopping the cover.

Joseph Wilson — who is Catholic, I guess? — begins the issue by leaving the woman he has yet to marry but is currently sleeping with in bed while he goes to confess his sins. That seems like a pretty laid back religion, right?

I wonder if he'd be so forgiving if Joseph confessed to putting his pee-pee in a man's boo-boo?

Catholicism can be summed up in this one boring anecdote I'm about to anecdotally anecdote now: in college, my friend Soy Rakelson (whom I've spoken about before because he's the go-to guy for stories about homophobia, white anger, hypocritical religion, and mocking the disabled) found himself in a religious dilemma. He wanted to fuck a girl whom he wasn't married to. That wasn't the dilemma. He didn't think once that that was a problem, probably because confession awaited him where he could brag to the priest about getting some pussy. No, the dilemma was whether or not he should use condom. He didn't want to get somebody pregnant but the Pope said birth control was abhorrent! That's pretty much religious people in a nutshell. As long as they feel they're strictly adhering to the most controversial religious mandates, the other shit that they're not supposed to do but that they really, really, really want to do doesn't matter. God will understand banging that sorority girl! But he might not look so kindly on using a condom!

Although, really, what is God's problem with birth control? I hope that argument doesn't stem from Onan because that story wasn't about sex at all. It was about business deals and honoring your father. God was only mad about Onan spilling his seed because he had a contract to get his brother's wife pregnant and he broke that contract. God wasn't all, "Oh shit, dude! You're only supposed to ejaculate if it's going to have a slight chance of ending in pregnancy!" No, God was more like, "Dude! DUDE! You promised your dad that you'd impregnate your dead brother's wife! He didn't just give her to you to use as a cum-dumpster (which you totally jizzed on the side of anyway, you miscreant)!"

I think I got the voice of God exactly right.

Meanwhile, Red Lion critiques Deathstork's old uniform while Deathstork battles Raptor. Raptor stole Deathstork's Ikon suit which has forced Deathstork to wear his orange and blue suit with the boots and gloves with enormous cuffs. It's so embarrassing. At least he didn't have a Nightwing disco collar. I wonder what George Perez was on when he designed those outfits. Probably Quaaludes and monkey semen.

I don't know if monkey semen was an actual drug in the eighties or if being coked out of your mind led to people blowing apes. Maybe none of those things happened. I think I'm just remembering my Planet of the Apes/American Psycho slash fiction.

Deathstork is a better overall fighter than Raptor but Raptor is indestructible while the Ikon suit's gravity sheath is in place. So Deathstork needs the Ikon's AI (which sounds like Wintergreen because Doctor Ikon had a huge boner for Wintergreen (much like Slade does!)) to shut down the gravity sheath. Unfortunately, it can't do it. But it might know somebody who can! Like maybe the kid of some guy who stole his lover's suit after killing him and, incidentally, that lover was the creator of the Ikon suit? You know? Joseph!

Oh, for some reason — probably to add drama and tension to the story — he wants Isherwood (Doctor Ikon, RIP!) himself. That seems like a lot of trouble when he could just get Joseph to shut down the suit, as he noted in this exact conversation!

Deathstork realizes he's wasting time battling an enemy he can't currently stop so he turns his attention to Red Lion. He knows Red Lion lured him here for a reason and he figures they should just get around to being honest with each other so they can get the work done and they can all go their separate ways. Also, it'll buy time for Joseph to get the Ikon suit shut down so that Slade can kill Raptor.

Red Lion's plan makes sense but I'll just turn it into a bunch of convoluted statements about his penis so let's just leave it at the theft of this aircraft carrier benefits Red Lion, Raptor, and Deathstork. So they should all work together! Which they do! Sort of! I mean, it wall works out in the end for all of them. Mostly? Red Lion gets a ship, Deathstork gets evidence that could convict his ex (which he destroys, dum-dum!), and Raptor gets radiation poisoning!

Oh, plus Deathstork gets his Ikon suit back.

And I guess he's fucking his son's fiance?

The Ranking!
No change! One of the best things about this comic book is that Priest isn't just filling a story about Slade with minor characters with which he can interact. He's telling the story of a bunch of characters whose lives all revolve around each other. I'm hoping Raptor gets more involved than just this story, now that he's been sucked into Deathstork's gravity sheath.

No comments:

Post a Comment