Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Detective Comics #951

The Terrible At Putting Lipstick On Gang is back in Gotham!

After discussing MAN pLaNeT, a tumblr account that began following me, this happened:

Is this a joke? Sometimes (most of the time? Perhaps all of the time?), I fucking hate the Internet.

This issue begins with Shiva torturing a man. It happened three months ago, so the guy is probably already dead. But he's not dead due to Shiva killing him! Oh no! She's a lot like Batman in that she's never killed anybody.

See? They all die from natural causes. Usually blood loss. Never mind the cause of the blood loss, nosy.

Once Shiva realizes the Colony no longer operates in Gotham City (thanks to The Batman and his obsessive need to control everything in the city), she decides it's time for the League of Shadows to move into Gotham. The League of Shadows are a secret organization that everybody thinks is an urban legend. James Tynion IV got the idea for them when Scott Snyder told him his idea about the Court of Owls. James Tynion IV was all, "Oh, um, yeah! I had the same idea! But instead of the Court of Owls, they were the League of Assassins!" And Scott was all, "That is already a thing." And James said, "What did you hear? I said League of Shadows! Duh!"

Three months later in Gotham, Batman admits that if he had to fight Cassie Cain, he'd lose. That's because Batman talks too much. He's practically riffing like Nightwing when he battles compared to Cassie's focus. Also, she's apparently better at all manner of fisticuffs than everybody else in the world. Except maybe for Azrael after he's sublimated masturbating by praying to God.

Batman has been working with corrupt Mayor Hady to make Gotham a better city. Mayor Hady turned over a new leaf. That means he realized he could make more money being honest than corrupt. But apparently it was too late because he's now been pinned to a wall by Shiva. She made sure to use swords with hilts that look like bats and then to alert the police so that Batman would be framed for the murder. James Tynion IV got that idea by reading every single comic book that's ever been published ever. Oh no! The good guy has been found near a dead body. He must have done it even though he's never killed anybody before ever! Although the cops thought he did about fifteen thousand times, it always turned out he was innocent. But this time, the cops are all, "We knew it! The Batman finally killed somebody! For real this time, probably! Let's kill him with our guns!"

I guess Batman only wears his Kevlar suit on days ending in "Bane."

Batman goes to see Jacob Kane in Guanotanamo Bay to find out what's going on. Jacob is all, "The League of Shadows! The League of Shadows!" And Batman is all, "Oh stop it. We already had one secret organization that nobody believed was real which turned out to be real. What are the odds there's another one?!"

Batman shuffles away from Jacob Kane muttering, "Who's the World's Greatest Detective anyway? I am, dammit! I'd totally know if there was this thing called the League of Shadows. I'd be all up inside that thing! If it existed, it would be purchasing Plan B pills right now because I was so far up inside it! Fucking Jacob Kane. Thinks I'm fucking Honey Wheeler or some shit. I'm Goddamned Trixie Belden, bitch!" He's interrupted by Batwing who has some news footage to show him. A couple of newscasters were interrupted discussing local nonsense and Internet videos that went viral two weeks ago by Joker toxin. They laughed themselves to death and everybody applauded when they realized those puffed up arrogant newscasters who thought they were local hot shit celebrities were dead.

It looks like The Joker but Batwoman cautions Batman. This is just what her father said the League of Shadows would do! Cause chaos in the most obvious way possible! Next, they'll probably go around asking people stupid riddles!

"Not to mention readers wouldn't stand for such an obvious retelling of the Court of Owls story!"

The Bat Gang hear about a riot in Neal Adams Park where a lot of people are laughing and punching each other. They head out to help the victims but when they get there, they realize the rioters are just pretending! They pull weapons and attack the Bat Gang. If the League of Shadows wants to remain anonymous, this seems like a weird way to go about it. This is exactly what a League of Shadows would do! Batman is totally going to believe the myth now.

The Ranking!
-1! Mostly it drops in the rankings because this story was called "Unleashed." I think I've discussed — many, many times! — how much I hate comic books using that word. Along with all of the other derivative and cliché bits in this story, it warrants a drop in the ranks.

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