Thursday, March 30, 2017

Supergirl #7

I hate to complain about a comic book before I've even opened it but who am I kidding? Of course I love to!

You may have noticed the previous caption made no sense. Welcome to my blog, motherfucker!

You're just going to have to imagine what my initial complaint about the cover was because now I'm more interested in discussing the drop of wolf semen on Supergirl's face. Is that appropriate for a Teen comic book? Discuss! But not with me because I say, "Yes! Of course it is!" I'm pretty much up for anything. You hear that, Tom King's penis?

For some unknown reason, Dr. Shay Veritas, Omniologist, has become a main character in this comic book. Here is a list of reasons I hate Dr. Shay Veritas:

1. Her last name is Veritas. Please stop hitting me with the Not-So-Subtle Hammer.
2. She was created by Scott Lobdell who is terrible at everything.
3. She is an Omniologist which is a reminder that she was written by Scott Lobdell because he loves to stick the prefix "omni" on words to prove that he couldn't think of a better word.
4. She uses a cane. What a pretentious hipster.
5. She lives in the center of the Earth. Again, pretentious hipster.
6. She's a DJ. See annotations of point 4 and 5.

I hate to steal the homosexual slang terms because people might think I like to suck dick (don't read that sentence, Tom King's dick. You're different) but is this Supergirl throwing shade at Dr. V?

Dr. V does not stand for Doctor Vagina like you totally thought. It's Dr. Veritas, remember?!

Does anybody else have a problem with the DEO standing for Department of Extra-normal Operations? Wouldn't extra-normal mean even more normal than usual which would mean totally more boring and not more exciting like DC seems to think? If I described Thanksgiving as "extra-normal," people would think, "I guess nobody sucked any turkey dick this year." That's the exact opposite of what it would mean in DC's definition of "extra-normal."

I really seem to have dick sucking on my mind this commentary! Maybe it's because I'm just trying to raise awareness that there are dicks out there that need to be sucked. Go get 'em, dick suckers!

I guess Dr. Veritas doesn't live in her Time Cube in the center of the Earth anymore. She probably got priced out by Hipster Moloids trying to gentrify the DC underworld. Now the Omniologist works for the DEO in their monster containment lab. Need a monster contained? Dr. Veritas is your supremely intelligent person to do it! She might even be smarter than Lex Luthor. He's not a doctor of everything!

Boom! Truth bomb dropped by Dr. V! She really does know everything!

That's a pretty controversial statement, Dr. V. According to The Bible, God made two lights in the sky. Not one light and one thing that reflects the light of the first light. Blasphemer. Also, how does Dr. V explain Eclipso being just fine under the light of the moon, hunh?!

Dr. V's next question (after that panel) is "If moonlight affected Lar-on, why not the light reflected off our own planet?" Yeah! Why isn't by the light that hits him after it already hit him but after it hit Earth after hitting him?! Explain that, lycanthropes! My theory is that light picks up moondust when it bounces off the moon and it's that moondust that turns people into werewolves. Shouldn't the word be "wearwolves" since it's like they're wearing a wolf? But on the non-full moon days, they would be wherewolves because where are the wolves?!

I just wrote a better werewolf story than Twilight. Or whatever sequel of Twilight introduced the wolves. Breaking Moon?

Dr. V has some theory's about werewolves too!

The full moon just makes him angry! "Get out of here, bright light! It's night! It's supposed to be dark! Eeeeeew! I'm so mad! RAWR!"

To cure Lar-on of his Moon Anger (which is the preferred new terminology for his condition), Supergirl must venture into his mind! Why is this a technology that only exists in comic books and usually terrible movies? Why can't I enter the mind of somebody else already so that I can figure out their problems in a metaphorical world created by their personality and ideology? Probably...I started this sentence before wandering off to watch the new It trailer and now I can't remember what I was going to write. Also I need to change my underwear. Be right back!

Supergirl enters Lar-on's mind where he's currently processing Daddy Issues.

No one plans for Lar-on's mother's death? That seems...reasonable?

I've got it! The man in the moon looks like Lar-on's dad which is why he gets so angry he transforms into a wolf! Boom! I'm smarter than Dr. V!

Supergirl finds some other clues as well. She notices Red Kryptonite seems to be behind Lar-on becoming a werewolf. Oh yeah! That's so much the most obvious excuse that I totally forgot about it. Who uses Red Kryptonite in modern comic books? Basically it's only real use was to turn Superman into a stereotype! Or a cabbage. And nobody approves of either of those things anymore, except maybe the awful, terrible monsters who eat fish tacos.

You know what would help make things go as planned? By first making a plan, dum-dum!

After battling the werewolves of Lar-on's hopes and dreams, Supergirl follows mini-werewolf Lar-on into his father's Greenhouse Observatory. I know his greenhouse is red but you wouldn't know what I meant if I had called it a redhouse, would you? You would have been all, "Wait. His observatory is a barn?" Lar-on had dreams of exploring the moons of Krypton even though nobody on Krypton could leave Krypton because its gravity was so strong. Unless that isn't a thing in Rebirth? I don't remember. Maybe people have always been able to leave Krypton and I'm remembering one imaginary tale I read when I was twelve. Anyway, Lar-on's dad is all, "You suck, Lar-on. You're not smart enough to do anything. Although based on these super duper Daddy Issues I'm heaping on you, you'll someday be a DC Superhero! So take heart in that, you moronic twat."

Stop it, Supergirl! By curing his Daddy Issues, you're relegating him to an extra-normal life! OH! I finally get the DEO's name!

Lar-on's dream was to travel to Krypton's moons but his father was all, "That's a stupid dream." So I was as close I as I could come to the truth with the limited knowledge I had after reading three pages of this comic book! But then again, you could guess the answer to every mystery in a DC book was "Daddy Issues" and you'd be right one hundred and ten percent of the time.

I never said I was good at math. I think I even once said I was terrible at math! Also, I might have said I was actually good at math. Which is truth? Dr. V might know!

Supergirl flies Lar-on to the moons of Krypton in his mind. That should cure him of his Daddyissuesthropy! Now he can become Kara's faithful sidekick, Superwolfboy.

The issue ends with Superman paying a visit to Supergirl. Join us next time when Superman tells Supergirl how she's doing the job all wrong!

The Ranking!
+1! It earns that change in rank just for not being a Cyborg Superman story!

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