Saturday, March 4, 2017

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #5

Did the cybernetic eye cause Cave Carson's impotency or is it just a metaphor for his condition?

Yesterday, I asked, "Lately, most new followers on Tumblr have basically been adverts for shitty Internet business scams (or something. Whatever). Even more so than the porn followers! Is Tumblr done?" It wasn't meant to be a hipsteresque taking down of the site. It was meant in good faith because a good percentage of the Followers I've been getting lately are accounts that obviously aren't just people enjoying Tumblr but using it for some kind of (probably shady!) business. Then today I got this Follower:

What is this even?! This is why I added the "or something. Whatever" to my query! Is it a site meant to garner a lot of Followers so that it can begin to sell advertising? And if so, who are the simpletons following it?!

The first picture post on Man Planet...excuse me..."MAN pLaNeT" is of a woman in a short dress bending over as she reaches into a car exposing the gusset of her undergarments. The tags on this picture are not "I forgot something!", "gusset," "Time to jerk off!", or "accident waiting to happen." No, the tags are cars, bikes, girls, tatt, tatts, tattoo, hotrod, hotrods, motorbikes, and ratrod. Since none of those have anything to do with this image (except, I suppose, the car the woman is leaning into. But since that isn't the focus of the pic (her vagina is!), it seems weird to tag the image with car while not tagging it with vagina), it's obviously just a site using a bunch of tags presumed to garner the attention of men into things like "ratrods" and "tatts" and "girls."

Most of the images after that first one are indeed cars and motorbikes and tatts (I'm fairly certain I lose one more day at the end of my life every time I type, think, or say "tatts"). They're the kind of images that make me exclaim, "Yawn!" But then you get to this image:

This is the definition of cognitive dissonance for residents of MAN pLaNeT. "I love me some Jack Daniels...but it's blocking boobies!"

MAN pLaNeT exemplifies the reason I don't turn on the widget to show people who follow me. Why would I give them any extra traffic? They're also the type of account that I usually block when they follow me but now that I've mentioned them, they feel a bit like a mascot. And now that I have a mascot, I hope those jerks over at Weird Science Blog don't try to steal it before the big homecoming game!

Enough about my cute little new plaything, MAN pLaNeT. It's time to discuss Cave Carson's impotency (a thing followers of MAN pLaNeT never have to worry about! MAN pLaNeT! Where men can jerk off to women whose naughty bits are covered by alcohol and beef jerky, even though with one click of the mouse they could find actual porn. MAN pLaNeT! This has been a sponsored ad...I hope! Send me a check, MAN pLaNeT!).

This issue begins with somebody telling the history of the Muldroog people. Those are the race of underground mole people who Cave Carson discovered when he could still get it up. One of the Muldroog women agreed to marry him because she was impressed with the size and power of his drill. She eventually died but not before she and Cave had a daughter. Her daughter is now just finding out that she's Muldroogianese. So maybe she's the one getting the history lesson.

Basically the Muldroog were like Scientologists. They followed the ancient teachings of a space alien. But instead of living in a volcano, their space alien lived in a crystal. Now, I might be getting some of this wrong because I'm still thinking about MAN pLaNeT and also I don't really know anything about Scientology except that it's another religious scam that makes some people happy and other people rich and some people miserable. Just like the Muldroog's alien in crystal which made the Muldroogian society more technologically advanced than the surface people but at a cost. That cost was...freedom!

Cave Carson, Chloe Carson, and Wild Dog are listening to a Muldroog witchdoctor give a history of Muldroog while they eat a hallucinogenic treat called Night Pudding. It leads to Chloe stripping naked and swimming. This comic book has more real nudity than MAN pLaNeT! And it's probably artistic and not titillating, right? Although try to convince my penis of that!

There's also another scene about the father of the owner of the company that Cave just quit being a fungus monster who has been using Muldroog technology to get rich. Even though he's obviously the monstrous bad guy, his son's spelunking team led by Ace the Corporate Sycophant doesn't seem to mind. They're probably mind controlled by some kind of goo emitted by Edward Borsten, father of Paul Has A Douchey Ponytail.

Anyway, I'll let the comic book explain what EBX (the company Cave worked for that was formerly called Edward Borsten and Sons) has in mind for the Muldroogs. Otherwise I'll be here all day, lost in digressions. And afterward, nothing would be any clearer! And since I barely wrote anything about last month's issue, I'm getting perilously close to being too confused to understand what is going on. This next page helps explain the basic premise of the series so far.

Whew! Now I'm thoroughly anchored to the plot! At least for a few more issues.

Why does EBX need Cave Carson to operate the drill? Because this is a story about Cave Carson's impotency, remember?! For some reason, EBX needs Cave Carson's virility to return before they can free The Whisperer from its underground prison. Johnny Blake might know how to fuck but he's just not good enough to compare to Cave in his prime.

It turns out The Whisperer's prison is encased in inertron! That shit can't be drilled at all. But it can, somehow, be formed into flexible wings that once allowed the juvenile Harvest to glide around Gotham and New York City. So the only way into the prison is via the DNA of the Muldroogian Royal Bloodline. That means Chloe, the only symbol left of Cave Carson's sexual potency, can penetrate the vault. But when EBX attacks in just a few seconds, they'll discover they have captured the king and don't need the granddaughter anyway.

During the attack, Team EBX remembers how Cave Carson came to their aid and they're all, "Fuck this shit! We're out! Let's find Floppy Dick Carson!" Johnny Blake is stabbed while escaping with the team but he'll probably live. His name is Johnny Blake! That's the name of a character who doesn't die.

#cars #bikes #girls #tatt #tatts #tattoo #hotrod #hotrods #motorbikes #ratrod

Cave and his step-mother meet back up with Chloe and her new gang of skinny dippers as well as Wild Dog and Team EBX. That was nice and quick and easy! Jon Rivera really knows which parts of a story to not fucking tell! That's a quality I admire in a writer. Some writers go five or six issues telling parts of the story that don't need to be told!

Cave Carson's plan is to hook his phone up to the Mighty Mole so he can get cell reception. Then he auto dials Superman. I guess Batman never gave him his number.

Ouch! Ghosted by Superman!

If you read the previous caption and felt the overwhelming compulsion to respond, "The reason he didn't get through is because Superman is dead," you might be an Actually Nerd.

If you read the previous page and realized it's a metaphor for Cave Carson's impotence and his daughter expressing the statement, "Don't worry, it happens to everybody," you've been paying attention!

The issue ends with a horde of Fungus Men bearing down on Cave Carson and his new and improved team of Spelunkers and Misfits. He's probably going to have to get advice from real, virile man, Johnny Blake. Man, that's going to be rough.

The back-up story is more fun with the Super Powers by Tom Scioli. That is all.

The Ranking!
+2! Even though Cave Carson's Cybernetic Eye took a back seat this issue, it was really enjoyable! I guess this series isn't just one big gimmick.

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