Monday, March 27, 2017

Justice League of America #2

Vixen isn't struggling to get away from the chains so much as to get away from Lobo's boner.

Batman surrendered himself to Lord Havok at the end of last issue to save The Atom. I'm not sure what Batman's thought process was behind this decision. It's not like Lord Havok is going to go, "Oh! Cool! Hey, Extremists! Now that we have Batman, let's go back to our destroyed world. This totally worked out better than I expected!" I know what Batman's thought process definitely wasn't: "This will buy time until the real Justice League gets here!"

Am I the only one who wants to Photoshop Lord Havok's cock in Ryan's hands?

I had to put the comic book down to eat a bunch of pineapple chunks so to pass the time, I Googled pineapple on pizza memes. I don't care if people like pineapple on pizzas or if people don't like pineapple on pizzas. What I really hate is people acting righteously indignant while defending their personal preference. What is it about this battle that gets people so passionate? If somebody wants pineapple on their pizza, why should you give a fuck? Were you planning to try to mooch some slices, you dirtbag? I, for one, don't understand why anybody would put any kind of limit on what can go on a pizza. Stop trying to put limits on living, you fascists!

Okay! I'm done eating my pineapple and I'm hardly sticky at all!

Lord Havok agrees to let the Justice League of America live (not that Lobo was going to have any problem doing that no matter what happened) when Batman agrees to join The Extremists to help them save the world. But then an Extremist named Dr. Diehard flips the fuck out on Lord Havok. He's all, "Letting people live isn't extreme at all! This team sucks!" I bet Lord Havok teaches Dr. Diehard a little something about extreme measures (and also how apt Dr. Diehard's name is) on the next page! It would make sense to kill him since there are way too many characters to keep track of. Not that killing one will help clear up the panels much but at least it's a start. Also, Batman will have to rescind his offer to join when he realizes they kill.

I was wrong. This happened on the page after the next page. I wonder if anybody is going to make a joke about Dr. Diehard's name?

Based on the above panel, I think Lobo is ready to join The Extremists.

Are The Extremists supposed to be based on Marvel characters? Is Dr. Diehard Magneto? Is Lord Havok Dr. Doom? Is Gorgon Doctor Octopus?

After Diehard dies, The Extremists teleport to Kravikoras, the capital of Kravia. That's another one of those fake DC countries like Markovia and Qurac. It's where Lord Havok was born (but on his own Earth, of course -- Unneeded Clarification Tess!) and it's where Lord Havok intends to begin saving the world. I suppose saving the world means killing anybody who doesn't say, "Yes sir, Lord Havok, sir! Right away, sir!" Although he might as well just quit now that he let Batman know of his existence and then left Batman alive. That's always the big mistake the Villain of the Month makes. It's always "I would kill you but right now I need to wash my hair!" Just kill the hero, dum-dum! If villains would correct that one mistake and just kill the heroes when they have them up against the ropes in the first arc of every fucking story, the villains would be ruling the world right now! Never give the heroes a second act!

The women of the JLA stay behind in Saratoga to help clean up while the men go back to The Sanctuary to relax. I don't mean to suggest that The Ray is a woman because he's gay. I really just wanted to gloss over the fact that he stayed in Saratoga too so that I could advance my agenda to show that Steve Orlando is totally sexist. Maybe I can pretend Steve Orlando is suggesting that The Ray is a girl! Then I can advance my agenda to prove that Steve Orlando is homophobic too! There's nothing more satisfying than tearing down an ally with hot takes purposefully misconstruing a situation!

The Ray tracks The Extremists to Kravia so that they can continue their fight. At least this time, they won't be destroying an American city! Although, is it really okay for a team called Justice League of America to invade another country without proper visas and passports? They might be trying to save the world but is that enough reason to bypass bureaucracy?

That sounds like Guardian of the Universe talk!

That's Death Bat in the previous panel, by the way. Before the JLA can kick her ass, she's rescued by the Kravian military. Apparently they've arrived to shove that bureaucracy I mentioned down Batman's throat. The Extremists are now citizens of Kravia and under its protection. The JLA are kicked out of the country but at least they saved a bunch of refugees who refused to succumb to Lord Havok's rule. Now Lord Havok has his own country to rule where he sees himself as the only real hero of Earth. He's feeling more and more like Doctor Doom every page.

The neighboring country of Gardevia (See? It's like a garden! It's peaceful and powerless and weak!) don't want Batman's band of refugees. They've already heard about Lord Havok taking over the rule of Kravia and how he brought peace. It might be peace through authoritarian power and murder but it's still peace, right?! So they don't want any part of Batman's violent plans. But the Justice League of America just ignore the general and get busy making their own plans to help the people of Kravia win back their country.

Batman still doesn't call Superman.

The Ranking!
No change. This comic book is already the best comic book DC Comics sells. Although that's only because Real Deal Lobo is part of it. And he wasn't really in this issue too much. And the art wasn't too good either. I hate to point out that a comic book with Lobo in it isn't living up to Lobo's reputation so I won't say anything more.

No comments:

Post a Comment