Friday, March 17, 2017

Teen Titans #5

I lose interest in every cover that has von Grawbadger's name on it because I just start thinking, "Who is this mysterious man?!"

I finally decided to ask Lord Google about Wade von Grawbadger and this is what he initially said: "Wade von Grawbadger is a comic book artist who is known mostly for his inking work for Marvel and DC comics." Excuse me for arguing immediately, Lord Google, but I'd say Wade von Grawbadger is mostly known for having the name von Grawbadger. Also, that blurb from Lord Google? It was actually from Princess Wikipedia and comprises fifty percent of the total Wikipedia entry on Wade von Grawbadger. I knew he was mysterious!

The Review!
This issue finishes paving the way for a resurgence in Marv Wolfman's Teen Titans paradigm. A bunch of teens living in a huge tower in the bay of a city that needs to prepare for all the death and destruction that the teens in their tower will draw to it. This new group of Teen Titans exists for several different ideological reasons. First, it gives Damian a place to go outside of Batman's purview. He now has a place where he can masturbate without having to crank up the stereo and lock the door. I bet he even built a huge room just for masturbation! It's a lot like the Danger Room except sexier. Both rooms are clearly marked because nobody wants the Danger Room to fire up in mid-masturbation.

The second reason this team exists is to inspire others. They have inspired the Demon's Fist to be more rebellious teenagers. Even Mara suddenly doesn't want the thing she's always wanted most. Although that might have more to do with Ra's being a huge dickfuck rather than the Teen Titans being inspiring visions of strength and hope. The ludicrous T-shaped tower in the bay is supposed to inspire regular, mortal San Francisco kids as well. They will look up from the streets of The City and dream about the day they might also discover they have a billionaire father who will give them all the money they need to build an audacious clubhouse blocking the ocean view of every resident in The City.

Lastly, the team exists for friendship! Not the real kind of friendship where people meet in the dark corner of some forced social event and discover their shared joy of mocking everybody else. Nor is it the friendship of the sidekicks of heroes who find themselves in each other's company due to end of the world threats and find that they actually enjoy hanging out with each other and maybe they'd like to not have to wait until the world ends to go see Die Hard together. No, this is the friendship of a story arc that needs to cement the team member's relationship as quickly as possible so the readers can pretend that the members of the group actually trust and care about each other in future story arcs.

Other reasons might exist but I fulfilled the obligation of the high school three paragraph argument essay so I don't have to think of any more. But if more exist, they probably have to do with proving that racism is terrible, seeing as how Benjamin Percy is writing this comic book. He just won't rest until everybody not only knows racism is bad but super-duper knows it's bad!

The Ranking!
-1! It gets a negative ranking for the following panel as I stand in solidarity with my fellow McDonald's loving Nebraskans against this kind of elite nonsense:

Mostly that's just one Nebraskan I know.

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