Saturday, March 18, 2017

The Hellblazer #7

Paris Uber is the worst.

The Review!
This issue begins with Constantine declaring it a deal breaker if somebody puts their tea bag in after pouring the water. Usually I'm completely behind everything Constantine does or says because he's the greatest DC Comic Book Character in their entire universe¹. But I hate this fucking attitude. I'm sick of people having such strong convictions over meaningless aspects of daily life. If one more person throws a fucking fit over pineapples on pizza or does a spit-take while reading because they encounter a serial comma, I'm going to start stabbing everybody in the throat. Great. Have your fucking opinion on something that, if other people think differently, won't change your life in the least. But stop acting like you're Joan of Arc willing to be burnt at the stake in defense of your mundane opinion. Tea bag in before or after the water? Who bloody fucking cares?!

Cue people telling me I'm having in inappropriately strong conviction over something that doesn't matter in the least. Also, fuck those people. They probably can't stand it when other people chew ice on an airplane. I'm allowed to have hyperbolic reactions to things because that's what this fucking stupid blog is all about, you morons. It's like that one asshole one time who decided that he would point out all of my typos after I got done savaging Howard Mackie's writing on The Ravagers. Those are two completely different situations and if you can't see the difference, you're either willfully stupid just to feel smug or, you know, just stupid. DC had editors and was charging people money to edit his work. I only edit my reviews a month after I've written them, when I reread them for the first time just before reading the new issue of the series. If anything, that asshole would have just been helping me out in the editing phase. I think he just thought he would be humiliating me. He never responded again after I thoroughly disemboweled him with my word katana.

You're in DC Comics' Paris. The Eiffel Tower is in every single establishing shot of the city. How else would I have known Constantine was taking Paris Uber just by looking at the cover?! The filthy pigeons could have made it any city!

This issue is part one of "The Smokeless Fire." But they weren't done with the last story, were they?! I guess Mercury trapping a genie in her head while the other genie gathered the Magicians of London together to save the world and/or battle Constantine was an ending? At least for awhile? This is probably just one of those stories that needs to be told before finishing the other story because something integral to the plot in this one will be used to save the day in the other one.

The story is the story of the man Constantine and Mercury have Chunneled to Paris for help against the Djinn. The story is about an expedition he took in 1936 to a place where Djinn were said to live. Constantine first heard the story from the old man in a bar. Now he's come to Paris because he's starting to think the old man's story was true and not just an attempt to get into John's pants.

Nice synopsis panel for those of us with bad memories. I also included the next panel because John uses the word "arsehole" and Mercury references Through the Looking Glass.

Constantine and Mercury aren't the only ones trying to find Old Man Genie Killer, Esquire. A bunch of young Parisian punks have decided they're going to rob his ass. They almost run over Mercury while fast and furiousing their way to steal the old man's antiques. Mercury manages to read their minds and realizes they're after the same bloke. I guess Constantine and Mercury having a conversation while they walk to the old guy's home wasn't exciting enough for a comic book. This is the action part to keep everybody's penises in their hands. Yes, that's a sexist statement. Just wait to hear what I have to say when there's a kiss!

The old man confesses the location of his secret diary to Dante, the newest and most human of the gang². When John and Mercury arrive, Dante flees with the book as the old man lies dying of a heart attack. Mercury stays behind to save the old man's life with her, um, mind powers? I guess? Constantine takes Paris Uber out the window and onto the rooftops. But he misses his connection, falls into a bush, and is arrested by Paris cops. Dante flees back home and begins reading the diary of the old man. Well, at least Dante will know how to kill a Djinn! That could come in useful in some other story that's about Dante and not Constantine. Constantine, on the other hand, is fucked.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm disappointed that Moritat didn't do the art again. But everything else was satisfying. Except maybe that part where Constantine held a mundane conviction too strongly. __________________________
¹That I'll be mentioning in this comic book review.
²Dante had a scene earlier teaching his little sister math and promising to never leave her. The other gang members were inhuman monsters. You could tell because they didn't get any scenes in which they weren't just stereotypes.

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