Friday, March 31, 2017

Trinity #7

Since Cullen Bunn blocked me on Twitter because he can't handle the truth, can somebody let me know if he calls me an asshole for this review?

I don't even know if my review is going to be good or bad but, based on experience, it's going to be a shitshow. So I'll probably be called an asshole or some jerk trying to get attention from a famous writer who has little self-esteem and can't handle a few jokes about how terrible he writes. For all I know, he writes a fabulous X-Men story! Although usually Marvel and DC put the shittiest writers on the properties they know will sell well no matter how poorly they're written. Unless the property is Batman or Wolverine. You don't want to dilute Momma's money makers!

I just noticed Cullen Bunn was on the cover of this comic book!

I haven't even opened the cover of this book yet but I can see the great spark of inspiration which generated the story within. Cullen Bunn was probably sitting at the kitchen table listening to one of his frog podcasts when he thought, "This new book DC wants me to write is about the Trinity? What if I take a look at the Trinity through the funhouse mirror of their most dangerous nemeses?! That's probably never been done...oh no! Not again!" His thought was interrupted because he shit himself.

How can I block Cullen Bunn from seeing my reviews of his books so he doesn't get his feelings hurt? I'd like to spare him the psychic pain and self-reflection which might cause him to think, "Maybe I should put a little more effort into my writing?" People criticize my writing all the time but I have no capacity for self-reflection so I don't worry about putting more effort into my writing. No wait. Did I say "more effort"? I mean "any effort"!

This story is called "The New Pandoras." That probably means the story will examine how superheroes are supposed to be inspirations offering hope to mankind but they really just cause a lot of trouble by existing because comic book writers have fucking shit all over the reason superheroes meant anything to anybody in the first place. It also might be about a new group of girls down at the local strip club who all thought using the name "Pandora" would be cool and hilarious. You know, because they have hope in their boxes.

If I were female and a stripper, I would have danced under the name Medea. Although I know an ex-stripper who sometimes used the name Pandora and all the horny idiots watching her dance thought she was Pantera. So I imagine if I used the name Medea, everybody would think I took the name from Tyler Perry's drag character.

The story begins with Lex Luthor and Ra's al Ghul encountering each other in an ancient crypt.

"We're both bad guys so I guess we should fight now?" "Hold on! Let's let the story play out! Sometimes bad guys work together! And we're still missing Wonder Woman's nemesis!"

The pages preceding this moment where Lex boldly says the cue to bring the third player on stage consists of a rambling pissing contest. I suppose it's for the reader's benefit to show that the ego of each of these characters is too large for either to back down from a challenge. Not that there's a challenge here. Ra's had a dream and arrived. Lex hasn't stated why he's here. I'm sure Circe will explain it when she walks out of the shadows on the next page.

Right on cue!

What does she mean, "Yes, that Circe"? The one with the great ass?

Circe explains that she brought them to this cave to take a dunk in the Pandora Pits. They're some pools of filthy water that are supposed to house powerful evil released by Pandora. But this evil was too frightened of mankind and so hid in these pits. How powerful could it have been if it ran and hid? If I were Luthor, I wouldn't set one foot in this muck!

A creature that's half Wonder Woman and half Composite Superman rises from one of the pools to attack. The only way it can be defeated is if the Dark Trinity work together to defeat it! It's a sign that they should work together to defeat Wonder Woman and Composite Superman too! Don't worry about how Lex and Superman have begun trying to understand each other and work together in that other comic book that you should ignore while reading this one. He still hates aliens.

Lex still isn't quite on board with bathing in the pits so Circe decides to show him an ancient mural on a wall. It shows Circe, Ra's, and Lex all standing together. Oh, well then! If an ancient carving provides evidence that they're going to work together, why fight it?

The Ranking!
-1! This story begins with a couple of comic book tropes I've never liked. First, the characters are compelled by a vision or a prophecy to get the plot moving. I'd suggest Circe was manipulating everything for reasons of her own but the whole three pits thing and the half Wonder Woman, half Composite Superman creature, and the mural all seem a bit much to not be the real motivator. Circe could just cast a spell on these guys and force them to help her. Second, I dislike stories where superheroes are specifically targeted by the villains. Those are the types of stories that have created this idea in comic books that heroes are more of a menace than an inspiration. If heroes are constantly being personally attacked, they're more harm to the city where they reside than help. So here's yet another story where the heroes are going to be targeted specifically. How are they helping to save the world or being an inspiration to mankind when all they're really doing is saving their own asses?

Okay, sure, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Maybe Lex, Ra's, and Circe will just begin their plans of world domination while trying to avoid being noticed by the Trinity. You know, the way villains should be acting. When did the sole motivation of so many super villains become vengeance against the hero that constantly kicks their ass and locks them up? Wouldn't you avoid pissing off that person after being beaten by them so many times? The DC Universe is full of idiots.

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