Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Nightwing #16

Hasn't "Nightwing Must Die!" been the mantra at DC for like two decades now?

Last issue ended with Nightwing's love interest, Shawn, being kidnapped by some mystery villain. This issue begins a few days before that because Tim Seeley had a really good boner innuendo that he wouldn't have been able to write if Shawn were already in a refrigerator. It's pretty good! The innuendo, not the boner! This is only a Teen Rated comic book! Teenagers aren't allowed to know about boners! This beginning a bit in the past also allows Tim Seeley to reveal Shawn is a budding observational comedian. Dick is rubbing his boner all over her lower Manhattan real estate and she's all, "Have you ever noticed airline pilots sound the same? Have you? Have you ever noticed? Have you ever?!"

Meanwhile in San Francisco, the Teen Titans are busy fucking each other the way young people do when there's no adult supervision.

Oh, my mistake! Unless Damian has his dick sticking up in that bag of peanuts just waiting for Starfire to dig around for one!

I don't feel like Starfire is actually a teenager. I'm not sure she somebody with that amount of sexual experience full of lusty desires should be on the same superhero team as a thirteen year old. Especially one that can't get English idioms correct. There's no way she understands statutory rape laws!

Damian decides Starfire is never going to go for a peanut so he storms out of Titans Tower to kick Dick's ass in Blüdhaven. Hopefully nobody with a peanut allergy gives him a blow job later. I only mention it because he's going to Blüdhaven! That place is a den of sin and iniquity! And I don't even know what iniquity is! I bet it's like butt stuff!

Over in that place with the name that stupidly has a u with an umlaut over it so that it's a pain in the ass to type, Nightwing battles a gang calling themselves The Horsemen. They rob shit while wearing those stupid rubber horse masks. Speaking of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, I never have gotten around to doing a bunch of critical reviews of The Golden Girls equating each of the main characters to one of the Four Horsemen. I had a friend who said they represented the seasons but I think they were more like War, Death, Famine, and the other one. Dysentery, I think?

You're probably wondering which Golden Girl represents which Horsemen, right? I'd have to really immerse myself in The Golden Girls to know for sure, but off the top of my head, I'd say Dorothy was War because she'll fucking crack some skulls. Sophia is Death because she's super old but also because she can kill with just a few words. Blanche is Pestilence, mostly of a sexual nature. And Rose is Famine because she's lacking the smarts.

After Dick beats up the horse-faced goons, Robin arrives to have a pleasant word with his brother. That word (along with some other words because one word isn't that expressive unless I use one that will offend genteel sensibilities) is "You aren't going to be Batman! I'm going to be Batman! When father dies, I get to take his place, you dumb jerk!" Although, knowing Damian, he might just decapitate Dick to quickly resolve the matter.

Uh oh! Dick had better pray for the same kind of miracle I received which I mentioned a few commentaries ago!

Dick slams Damian to the ground and chews him out. Damian relents in the way Damian only relents for Dick Grayson. At least for now! He's still going to have to show Dick that he can piss way further than Dick ever could while wearing the Batman cowl.

Nightwing stops by to get a pregnancy test while in costume. That Rite-Aid clerk is going to have a little extra cash for the weekend after selling that story to the local superhero gossip rag.

Oh man! I love blind box toys! Especially Collect Club! And especially Collect Club's Paranormal edition! From where I'm sitting in my office, I can see the crystal skull and the chupacabra from that set. I think all of my other Collect Club figures are stashed in my Rescuers, Sailor Moon, and Battlestar Galactica lunch boxes.

Nightwing discovers Shawn's phone on the ground in the hall and spray painted across her current art project is the word "daddy." So I guess this was the moment she was abducted. I know the first place I'd check! And if she isn't in the fridge, maybe Blüdhaven has a refrigerator factory?

Damian follows Dick to Shawn's apartment because he's expecting an apology from Dick. But instead, he finds Dick preparing to solve The Case of the Probably Pregnant Girlfriend. I'm sure Damian will help him, if only to show Dick who the World's Third Greatest Detective is. Obviously Detective Chimp is after Batman. But Detective Chimp doesn't have any interest in becoming the next Batman, so he's irrelevant to this situation.

"Grayson, you fool! You've gone and gotten yourself pregnant!" is probably how Damian would finish this thought since Batman has only ever told him about the Bats and the Bees, which is a completely different story than the one with the birds and has nothing to do with sex.

Batman's Birds and the Bees explanation probably goes something like this: "Damian, sometimes a man finds himself kicking a woman wearing leather in the face to keep her from stealing some valuable diamonds. Then she makes a sexy innuendo about your bat junk and you'll begin to find kicking harder than it was before the blood rushed to your groin. Then you'll get naked on the roof together — remembering to keep the cowl on! — and the magic will happen! Also, sometimes you'll find yourself in a tent in the desert waking up with a weird headache and the smell of your greatest nemesis's daughter on your dick. That isn't as magical."

Damian has stolen the Batmobile so that he and Dick can get to France quickly. Damian knows as much about geography as he does about sex. After they take off, Deathwing reveals himself as the enemy! Or the tool of the enemy because he's in contact with somebody about Dick heading off to France.

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book was entertaining before Tim Seeley brought in Damian. I think I really like Tim Seeley's Damian. I can't remember for sure but it seems like the kind of thing I remember liking.

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