Friday, March 3, 2017

Odyssey of the Amazons #2

Ostensibly, this is a book about building Amazon diversity but my male gaze suspects a different agenda.

• The above caption was my reining it in caption! My initial caption was all about double penetration and penis envy.

• The Narrator of this comic book is fucking mentally unhinged. Not in a "I'm going to scoop out my neighbor's insides and make them into a delicious pudding" unhinged. More like "I'm going to use as many words as I can think of and mash them together into sentences that make enough sense that an editor will just wave impatiently at me and mutter 'Good enough!'" The Narrator makes the kinds of statements that most people reading comic books won't think twice about. Why question words when there are big breasted women in scanty clothes who bend over a lot while fighting? But for a picky asshole like me who loves to point out the flaws in other people so that I feel better about myself, the Narrator is driving me up the fucking wall.

So a troll will eat anything that screams when devoured alive. How does it know the meal will scream when devoured alive until it tries devouring it alive? If the presumed meal doesn't scream, does the troll spit it out?

• I wouldn't mind so much if the caption used the preposition "or" instead of "and". But now I imagine a troll sees something breathing and is all, "Might be food!" Then it stabs it and sees that it bleeds and its stomach rumbles and it thinks, "Oh yeah! Belly here it comes!" Then it begins eating the still alive thing which doesn't scream so the troll spits it out in disappointment, holds its belly in both hands as it glances down at it, and says, "Sorry, tummy. Maybe the next thing will breathe, bleed, and scream!"

Well yeah! They can't eat without the screams. And if they don't eat, they don't live!

• The trolls are illiterate heathens. You can tell because they end their questions with two question marks. Only one acceptable sentence ending double punctuation mark exists and that's the question mark/exclamation point combo. Some idiot invented the interrobang which is a single punctuation mark that combines the two but it looks even more idiotic than using two pieces of punctuation at the end of a sentence (which almost always looks fairly idiotic (because it is (unless there are closing parentheses before the period (or quotes (and probably a whole bunch of other special cases))))).

Wait. You roast your food? What about the eating things alive while they scream thing?!

• The troll proceeds to smash Hessia in the face and say, "On your knees like the female dog you are." Stupid troll. Dogs never sit on their knees! It's pretty much impossible! Also, Mr. Troll, you're being really sexually aggressive with your violence. Maybe tone down the allusions to forced oral sex while beating up women.

• During the big fight scene, the Narrator says, "They will not go gently into the night." Being that that's a riff on Dylan Thomas's poem, it made me think of the poem which made me angry. If I were dying and somebody was all, "Fight! Fight against the dying of the light!" I'd be all, "Fuck you! I'm dying here! Don't make this all about you, you narcissist!" Then I'd probably die and those would be my last words and anybody who heard them would think, "Gor, he were a grouchy one, weren't he?"

• The Amazons begin getting their numbers punched, and in their own comic book even! Luckily, there are male warriors nearby to save their lives. Unluckily, the Narrator won't shut up about it.

What do Vikings know about summer pools?! Does summer even exist in the Fjordic countries?

• I recently made a Norse Blood Bowl team called the Fjordic Bee-Orcs. They're going to rule the Norse League.

• This bit where some other warriors rush in to save the weary warriors being killed by trolls doesn't make this story any less reminiscent of Elfquest. At least the vikings didn't ride in on elk.

• The Amazons and Vikings defeat the trolls and head back to Viking Village, a community for people who like community and flying into random, blood-soaked rages.

• The next day, Hessia gets to know one of the vikings. She makes a passing mention of Morpheus and he's all, "Who?" Then he mentions Thor and describes him as "the storm god himself" and Hessia is all, "Who?" And the viking is all, "Bitch, weren't you listening?!"

• The Vikings and Amazons join up to defeat the Jotuns because the Amazons need to save their sisters and the Vikings need an exciting way to enter Valhalla.

• Meanwhile in Jotunheim, the young Amazons who were taken find out that they will be the mothers to a new race of half-Amazon, half-Giant babies. Why would they consent to tha...oh. I think the number of copies of next issue being sold next month just fell substantially.

• The Amazons and Vikings begin their journey to Jotunheim over discussions of gender as seen through the prism of differing cultures. The Amazons are all, "You Vikings don't respect women!" And the Vikings are all, "We do too! At least we don't rape the fuck out of them like the giants!" And the Amazons are all, "Oh shit! Can we get this raiding party moving any faster?"

How nice of him! I hope it's a magic sword!

• On the way to Jotunheim, Hessia is bitten by a werewolf and they meet a bunch of Odin's Valkyries on flying boars and horses. That should shut these Vikings up about whether or not women were meant for battle. Fucking dicks.

The Ranking!
No change! I haven't changed my position on not being interested in tales of DC's Amazons.

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