Friday, March 31, 2017

New Super-man #9

Bernard Chang: "I will too get DC to publish a cover with New Super-man jerking off while riding Superman's humongous penis."

Kenan has discovered that his super powers are tied to the I Ching. Thanks to Apple products, I constantly want to write that as the iChing. I'm surprised Apple hasn't marketed one yet.

Trigram 3: Flight. Trigram 4: Super-kicks. Trigram 5: X-ray Vision. Trigram 6: Super-Ventriloquism. Trigram 7: Dealing with Batman.

Lex Luthor has decided to visit the Justice League of China in their headquarters because he's up to no good. I bet he wants a sample of New Super-man's semen so he can create some Bi-zarros. Don't mistake them for Gay-zarros just because they're currently dating other Bi-Zarros. It's just that there aren't any Bi-zarro Lois Lanes yet.

The most important thing in the first two pages is not Lex Luthor's appearance or the revelation that New Super-man will ultimately only have eight super powers. The most important revelation is that Bat-man has a Rob-in sidekick. I think it's hyphenated as Rob-in because it is a robot. It could also be hyphenated as Ro-bin since it looks like it could be used as a trash receptacle.

Actually, Bat-man calls it Robinbot. That's stupid. It's Gene Luen Yang's first misstep on this comic book! I suppose the logic is that it begins with "ro" so why not end it with "bot"? You might think that if you were all logic circuits, thus missing your "No, that sounds stupid" circuit. A lot of people don't have either.

It's okay that Gene Luen Yang didn't spend enough time perfecting the Ro-bin name because he makes me forget it almost immediately with his wonderful dialogues and superb characterizations on the following pages. I mean, I haven't literally forgotten his misstep. I'm just pretending that I'm not letting it fester in that part of the brain that loves to eventually destroy everything good and holy.

Lex Luthor would like to bring Kenan to America as a consultant for LexCorps. But since he doesn't speak English at all and Lex is pretending to be terrible at Mandarin, Master I-Ching will be coming along to translate.

It may not be what he said to the letter but it contains the gist of what he said with some helpful life advice. All the best translators work this way.

Kenan doesn't want to go but the Max Lord of the Justice League of China makes him go. I forget her name. Miss Hannigan, maybe?

I can't wait until Master I-Ching and Alfred Pennyworth have a moment alone together.

Lex's plane looks remarkably like a stylized Lex-Soar 7 from the Super Powers action figure collection. Now I want to get it out and play with it. It's landing gear was a set of claws to capture Superman! Plus it had a huge hunk of kryptonite in the back. You know, just for looks. Or ballast. It wasn't ever used to hurt Superman. You should probably now forget what I said about the landing gear. Um, you know what? Imma call my lawyer.

As Lex shows off his battle suits, he reveals that he can speak Mandarin fluently. Yeah, whatever. Typical! I understand how that's the way to go with the whole Machiavellian language thing but I still like it better if Lex Luthor, even being the smartest man on Earth, couldn't get the hang of Mandarin. Master I-Ching has one of those "Oh fuck. Lex knows I've been mistranslating everything" moments and shits himself a little bit. But Kenan is all, "You're my hero! I mean, right after Superman, of course!" And Lex is all, "Speaking of Superman, what would you say if he wasn't your hero? Hanh? Hanh?"

Lex tries to shake Master I-Ching but Kenan is all, "No way, dude! You aren't tricking me with that whole 'let's get rid of the chaperone and slip into something more comfortable' routine! Unless that something more comfortable is one of those cool battle suits!" That's when Kenan discovers Trigram 3's super-power: The Super-Boner.

Lex reveals why he was interested in the Justice League of China. There's a Mandarin speaking speedster who's been loitering around LexCorps. At first he thought she was The Fl-ash. Fla-sh? Lex has some paranoid theories about why she's been trying to infiltrate his building. One of those theories is that she's trying to get a peek inside his Ox Horse Door Ring Portal. That is not a euphemism for his butthole. I know it sounded exactly like the kind of butthole euphemism I would come up with but I assure you that is straight out of Lex's filthy mouth.

Lex believes the doors open up on a dimension that will enable Kenan to learn his super-powers the easy way. Master I-Ching does the Chinese version of Batman's "-tt-" while Kenan continues to try to hide the evidence that he learned his Trigram 3 super-power. Master I-Ching's "-tt-" is completely ignored because Kenan hates doing things the hard way (that was a boner joke. Maybe).

Kenan decides to open the portal and boy is he glad he did!

I mean not glad!

That's just like Lex Luthor to keep a skeletal Superman inside a mystery portal to another dimension. What an ass.

Lex makes sure to shout "Oh, um, look at that! A physical manifestation of Superman's powers and not the animated corpse of a Superman victim I've been hiding in my portal! Gosh. Ha ha! Why would somebody think that?"

Now that the portal is open, Fla-sh decides to show up so she can punch Kenan in the face. Her superhero outfit is a pair of yellow gloves, yellow pants, and a red AC/DC shirt. You know, because it has the lightning bolt between the boobs. I mean between the AC and the DC.

Fla-sh informs Super-man that he just opened the Gates to Hell. She calls Hell "Diyu" for some reason that I can't be bothered to understand because I'm an American.

Appearing with Fla-sh are her super buddies: China White (leader and heroin lover), Snakepit (brawler and punching lover), and Dinner Party (food and etiquette lover). Oh wait. Dinner Party is actually named Strato the Cloud-man. I liked Dinner Party better. I'm sticking with Dinner Party. He'd be welcome at my dinner party any day with his lovely jacket and fancy gloves.

Dinner Party would have been a better name mostly because Superman crashes the party and somebody could have made a good joke about that. Anyway, leave it to Superman to butt in on a situation that isn't any of his business. I guess the cover of this issue was premature. Superman and Super-man will have to metaphorically fuck next issue.

The Ranking!
+1! Not that I can raise this comic book any higher since it's my favorite Rebirth comic book that doesn't star Lobo. And let's face it. The one starring Lobo doesn't really star Lobo enough to be as good as I pretend it is just because Lobo is in it. This is the DC comic book Marvel Zombies should be reading (if they could lower themselves to read a DC Comic Book, that is).

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