Sunday, March 5, 2017

Raven #6

More like Carnival of Raven Jizzing Her Pants!

If you haven't been reading this series and you're waiting for the trade, might I offer some advice? Just find Issue #1 and #6 in the fifty cent bins. Nothing happens in the other issues. Actually, nothing might happen in this issue either. But I'm assuming Marv will, at the very least, offer some kind of resolution to the threadbare plot he's created.

Raven has finally gotten into the White Carnival. I would explain what the White Carnival is but Marv hasn't been too free with the details in the previous five issues. It has something to do with Raven's soul-self which can fly free from her body when she's not paying attention. It also might have something to do with Trigon which is why the carnival has No Consent Fucking in the Bum-per Cars, a Hall of Sleep-creeping, and mascots roaming the park who don't know the meaning of the word "No!"

Welcome to Trigon's Marriott's Rape America!

I guess Marv Wolfman is too old to care that his favorite character he's ever created might as well just be the word RAPE in big bold letters.

This guy just got off the Cum Guzzler.

I hope this White Carnival is like Dante's Hell. At the center of the park will be a gigantic Trigon with an elephant ear stuffed into his mouth as he jizzes into fryers to make more for the guests.

Raven wanders around the Carnival while lost souls all around her plead for it to stop while I ponder what the White Carnival is a metaphor for. I really have no idea, probably because I haven't been paying a lot of attention to this comic book as I read it. Hopefully Marv will do that thing where writers aren't totally confident that their message will be understood and he'll have a character explain what it's all been about near the end.

After realizing she can't help anybody, Raven crumbles under the onslaught of the mysterious force behind the White Carnival. She gets up and suddenly can't remember who or where she is. Now I'm thinking this entire series could have just been this one issue! Since Raven is going to have to learn everything about this story again, who needs to read the previous issues? And she does relearn everything in one of the weakest "I remember it all now!" moments in any comic book I've ever read. And there have certainly been a lot of those.

"My memories have been taken. Which reminds me, my memories have been taking before! Way to jog my memory, loss of memory!"

Raven forces her way outside of the White Carnival before she completely loses the memories she remembered, since she kept losing them. Once outside of the White Carnival, I ask myself, "Why did DC publish this series? It's terrible!"

Raven's religious aunt heads over to the White Carnival to save Raven with Christianity. Aunt Alice convinces everybody outside the White Carnival to hold hands and give their strength to Raven. For some reason, everybody does it. Where are all the cynical assholes with the snarky comments at moments like these?! I know San Francisco has to have at least a few of them. Instead they all hold hands and help. Fucking sheep.

With the power of love and, apparently, God, Raven destroys the White Carnival. Hopefully now will be the part where somebody explains what just happened! Although if nobody does, I really won't be too disappointed. I'm sure the message is either "Help each other out" or "Pray to God to help people, if you can't be bothered to."

Afterward, nobody remembers. So Raven takes their memories in the same way the monster behind the White Carnival took their memories. So her soul-self was behind it all, right? And now she's super powerful because she drained so many people! And she's going to be the big villain in the next DC Crisis, right?

Meanwhile in space, more White Carnivals are all, "Whoa! One of us died! Should we send another?" And they answer themselves with "No way, dude! We need more souls!"

The Ranking!
-4. I've now spent forty-five years on this stupid planet, doing terrible things and good things and all the things that make people flawed and human. But I can honestly say that if I have any time at all for regret before I die, it will all be concentrated on reading this series. Hey, Marv. Apparently you've been at this game for far too long. You're used to writing an ongoing series where you can hint at future antagonists and dangers. But when you have a six issue limited series, don't you feel you owe it to the people supporting that series to tell a complete story? What is this bullshit of having the antagonist be mysterious for six issues and then end it on offering no other explanation than "It was from space!" Okay, sure, sometimes that's a decent enough explanation! But it helps if that spaceborne entity at least sings a song with curse words in it.

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