Monday, March 20, 2017

The Flintstones #9

It's a bowling ball, right?! Fred and Barney haven't gone bowling at all yet!

• Currently in Bedrock, the First Church of Gerald is seeing its attendance fall. Gerald just doesn't say enough of the right things to hold people's attention. If you're going to be a god, you really need to think about what will keep your customers coming back. Or are worshipers considered clients? Anyway, a religion that preaches kindness and charity to other people without making a substantial attempt at pointing out how much charity you'll be getting due to how charitable you are is a piss poor religion. That's why people are now worshiping Vorp in Bedrock! Vorp is a giant snake in a suit. I think it's meant to represent a huge throbbing boner. Because Vorp loves the rich and powerful. Vorp doesn't want the rich and powerful to feel guilty when they go to church and hear idiotic things like "It is better to be an elephant or a camel or something than to be a big fat richy" or "The meek will inherit all of your stuff" or "Don't throw the first stone at poor people. Maybe wait and see if somebody else starts the rock throwing so you can feel blameless."

• This issue is called "A Basket of Disposables." Don't get your expensive silk undergarments in a bunch, you fat richies! The full context is that half of the people Mark Russell is referencing are in the basket! Just because you also think the same thing as the disposables, it doesn't mean you're a disposable. When you get angry and take the name on so you can feel like a martyr, you're missing the entire point of the statement just to be a fucking partisan dickmonster. If you had any self-awareness or intelligence, you would realize that the point was that awful people are supporting this imaginary person that Mark Russell thought up. You don't have to also be awful to support this person but it does kind of say something about you in that it doesn't give you pause in your support of this person that's totally made up in Mark Russell's head and not the person you're totally thinking of right now.

• At night, the vacuum cleaner, bowling bawl, and ottoman get drunk with the coat rack and the lamp. It's like a night in the Young Ones' house.

• Mr. Slate fires all of this workers because he can get apes and Neanderthals to work for far lower wages. Fucking corporations were corrupt even back in prehistoric times?! It figures!

It was a bowling ball! But now that Wilma threw out the old one, I'm too sad to gloat about being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. The vacuum cleaner is going to be devastated.

• Betty still hasn't invented the Bikinirock. I'm still upset about this.

• The old bowling ball gets hauled off by recycling. The new bowling ball is a huge asshole.

• Mr. Slate, having realized his dreams of being a totally selfish prick without the overbearing guilt Gerald used to fill him with, fires his turtle butler and hires a cigar smoking eagle butler. Now Mr. Slate is going to get tons of pussy! You can't not get laid with an eagle on your arm. And you can't not get not laid with a turtle roaming your house and shitting all over the floor. Slowly!

• The Flintstones and Rubbles finally go bowling. Unless they've been bowling in an earlier issue and I just totally forgot about it. Anyway, while they're gone, the blender, lamp, vacuum cleaner, ottoman, coat rack, and curtain rod decide to mount an expedition to rescue the old bowling ball. I don't want to get their disposable little hopes up but he's probably dead. Oh wait. That would get their hopes down! That's what I don't want to do!

• Dino tries to get in on the action but he's not an appliance so his attempt at friendship is rebuffed. It's not Dino's fault that the humans have placed him in a category higher than the appliances! He just wants to have friends too. I can't believe the appliances, who know what it feels like to be excluded, derided, and shit upon (some of them literally! I bet the toilet is a pelican), would treat Dino so poorly! The bastards!

• Coat Rack frees all of the animals at the recycling center so that Mr. Slate's turtle can eventually return to his job carrying liquor and cookies around the house. Mr. Slate is going to need him back because his eagle (along with his girlfriend) have decided Mayor Clod is much better, what with the bigger arm to rest upon and the bigger dick to, um, you know what upon.

• Back at home, the appliances murder the new bowling ball.

Too bad the people who need to be shamed by this speech will never read it.

• Look how Steve Pugh fits full bodies into the panels. With feet on the floor and everything! He's the best.

• Later Wilma finds Dino tied up in the pantry. I bet Pebbles takes the blame on that one. Who would believe the furniture and appliances did it?!

The Ranking!
No change! But no change still means it's practically the best comic book DC puts out right now. Who would have guessed? Aside from the part where Mark Russell is writing it. That was a pretty good indicator that it would be good. But I wouldn't have guessed that I'd be loving Steve Pugh's work on this book so much. His shit is wonderful! I don't mean his bowel movements. I have never seen one of those, not even at a con where I may or may not have followed him to the toilet.

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