Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Earth Too: Society #22

What the fuck is going on with Flash's stomach?! That's Observational Comedy 101! I don't actually say anything funny. I just point out that I noticed something!

At the end of the last issue, Batdick was killed. That's probably a good thing because nobody needs a Dick Grayson on Earth Too: The Rebirthening. Ultra-Humanite was also killed by Green Lantern which is not a good thing because nobody in any lousy circle that has ever allowed me to be a part of their circle has ever clamored for an Alan Scott that murders. On the plus side, Vicente Cifuentes drew big tits on every female character. And he's drawing this issue too!

This was my favorite roleplaying game: Small Eyes, Big Tits!

This issue takes place six months after last issue ended. Power Girl seems happy and big titted (like usual). Actually, based on the size of tits that Vicente loves to draw, Power Girl's tits are just average! Her main super power (according to Comic Vine) is Big Old Titties (just after Wind Bursts). I suppose I'm being too critical. What do I know about the laws of physics on Earth Too: The Rebirthening?!

Power Girl is flying around Metropolis Too while think-speaking to America. At first I just thought she was thinking to herself but when she's interrupted by a report of a robbery in progress, she thinks, "Oh, one sec." You don't say that if you're just thinking to yourself. So she's totally in a telepathic bond with America right now, discussing how much she loves Earth Too: The Rebirthening.

Seeing heroes as a boon and not a menace should be the lowest bar of a comic book world! Fuck, comics are in such a terrible state. Stop trying so hard to reflect the real world and maybe present a world of inspiration like you're supposed to be doing, comic books! Having that happen here on Earth Too: The Rebirthening shouldn't be an anomaly!

Instead of moving into the future and showing why people should totally be creaming their jeans for whatever version of Earth 2 will crop up in Rebirth, Power Girl decides to remind everybody of how terrible Earth 2 and World's End and Convergence and Earth Too: Society were. Normally, I wouldn't suggest recapping a series in the final issue¹. Also, I'm not suggesting it now, if that whole "normally" clause confused you into thinking I was going to conclude with an "in this case." My guess is that everybody reading this issue remembers how terrible all of the Earth 2 stories were. It was almost as if DC saw how popular the Injustice comic book was and was desperate to have that kind of thing happening in their canon universe. Maybe that would have been interesting if they didn't fuck over Earth 2 to do it.

The way Power Girl is explaining things, this feels like it should have been the Earth 2 Rebirth issue. But what new readers are hopping on at Issue #22 and thinking, "I hope this explains what this book has been about and where it's headed!"

Yeah, this is a good way to look at what happened. Just forget about all the non-Wonder survivors of Earth 2 who were wiped out of existence by the miraculous do-over.

This miracle is like the time the Non-Certified Spouse was told she was pregnant by about fifteen thousand home pregnancy tests (she's a bit obsessive) but was then menstruating two days later. Sure, I called that a miracle but some people might have looked side-eye at me for that proclamation! Thank you, Baby Jesus, for taking away my child (whom we named Astird (yes, like from The Office))! I didn't even pray for this great miracle! I always knew he was pro-choice!

One thing I learned from the experience is that these pregnancy tests that proclaim they can tell a woman if they're pregnant earlier than anybody else due to changing hormones and not due to a fertilized egg actually attaching to the uterine wall to set up shop for the next nine months are causing an epidemic of heartbreak and grief. I found a number of forums on the web where women were shattered that they had seemingly lost their baby in cases like these. To be fair, it's not simply the pregnancy test's fault. It's also the fault of the Anti-Choice people and their life begins at conception propaganda campaign. If a pregnancy stick says pregnant than the woman must be pregnant! It's not like science and biology are complicated matters! They're God's will! If a sperm fertilizes an egg, that's it! LIFE, MOTHERFUCKER! And if that egg doesn't attach or the body rejects it for whatever reason, your sins probably caused that to happen! And now you've killed your child, you selfish bastard!

Power Girl points out that, since this is a second chance, the Wonders are going to make it work this time. I guess they took the old world for granted and just shrugged off all the crime and disasters happening around them. This time, though, they're going to save everybody and Darkseid will never get a foothold on their Earth because they're all so damn vigilant now!

Hey kid! Watch the grabby hands!

To be fair to that kid, at least he isn't hanging on with his lips like some person I know that totally isn't me but, like, a friend or something.

Look at that previous scan. See that pudgy fuck with the old timey mustache? He's definitely a super villain.

According to Power Girl's summation of Earth Too: The Rebirthening, the defining characteristics of this new world are that Batman is a woman and Superman is black. Also probably that Green Lantern is gay. It's an Earth 2 for a new generation! The first Earth 2 was all white men and women (mostly men!) fighting Nazis. But then Earth 1 came along to update that old way of thinking, creating a world where white men and women (mostly men!) fought things other than Nazis. Now this new Earth 2 is about diversity! I guess this Earth 2 is in the DC You Universe?

At the weekly meeting of the Justice Society, we learn that Earth Too: The Rebirthening has a Lex Luthor and a Belle Reve. Also that the voice that's been alerting the Wonders to crimes is that of Oracle. Who is Oracle? Probably Batdick's computerized brainwaves. Remember how he had a broken back! Also maybe he's not totally dead or something (he isn't! He's last to arrive to the meeting which starts off with a total downer remembrance of everybody who died while trying to fix Earth 2 basically since The New 52 began).

The Ranking!
+1! This is where Earth 2 should have began when it started about a year into The New 52! All that other shit should have been brainstormed as background and not sold as a monthly comic book (weekly at times with World's End! UGH!) for five years! Anyway, I guess Earth 2 is now a kind of mish-mash of Pre-Crisis, Post-Zero-Hour, Pre-Infinite Crisis, Post-New-52, Prebirth, Afterbirth, Preboot, and Reboot universes! It's what DC Comics should always and never have been! Or something. Anyway, it at least ends in a way that makes a Rebirth Earth 2 possibly interesting.

¹Oh god. Is this the final issue? I fucking hope this is the final issue!

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