Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #15

Green Lantern dance contest!

How many dance contests have you ever been in? I've been in zero. So I'm not sure why I brought it up. I bet I could have had a really exciting anecdote here if I'd been in a dance competition! Or if I'd remembered to lie about having been in one! I probably would have won first place and did it with the second place winner. Who was a girl, of course! If I'm pretending it, I'm not going to pretend that I had sex with a man. As far as I know, I'm not gay when I'm lying.

Oh, and the woman was so sexy! And she probably was smart and had agency and a great personality and was a skilled silversmith and a bunch of other boring stuff that some people think is more important than how she looked (which was hot, if you remember correctly!). But that stuff isn't important since she was just made up to bolster my reputation as a lady's man who does it with attractive ladies. She wasn't made up in a way that would make me want to have a long-term relationship with her.

That's probably about as long as a review should be if I want to hold people's attention. People don't go on the Internet to invest a lot of time. I mean, they do spend a lot of time on the Internet but they divide that chunk of time (usually all the hours they aren't sleeping, eating, shitting, or doing it to other nerds) into many, many, many small bits. They read a few Tweets because those are manageable and it feels like you've done a lot of things when you get that many opinions from so many different sources at once (sources like ladies and men and feminist birds and some jerk that loves carrots and a few high school friends from Bumfuck, Missouri, who totally worship me for some reason (or at least they did when they were in junior high and probably not as much now that they're banging guys at the high school prom). Then maybe they'll read a bunch of racist opinions from their family members on Facebook and probably type a really scathing reply into the reply box but then leave the page without posting because who wants to get into an argument with an idiot (and, obviously, all racists are idiots. Hell, at this point, all Republicans are idiots. And I don't mean that in a condescending, I'm-so-much-smarter than they are way. I mean it as an easily proven fact. So dumb!)? Then they scroll through Tumblr and Instagram and PornHub for a bit. Who has time to read a well crafted critique of Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #15? Even I don't have time to read it and I'm wasting time writing the stupid thing!

The Review!
In this issue, an intergalactic gang of self-proclaimed police bully the citizens of the universe into doing things their way. The Green Lantern Corps are fascist pricks. Which I totally don't get! This comic book has the perfect set up to make the heroes look like heroes! A planet reports to the Green Lantern Corps that it's being attacked by some warmonger or some Twat Czarnian and the Green Lanterns rush off to save the everybody. But instead, they patrol the universe acting like jackbooted monsters, pulling over planets just because the wrong color alien lives on the planet. Or they pretend they're saving the universe when the universe doesn't really need to be saved, using it as an excuse to extend the reach of their authority.

So the evil Tomar-tu's name is simply the Scooby Doo version of Tomar-tu?

What makes Romat-Ru a serial killer while other people are super villains or galactic threats or Lobo? Is it because he gets a boner when he kills people and doesn't accept money for the job?

Guy Gardner has stolen Space Cabbie's cab to go hunt down somebody. Probably Arkillo, right? I can't believe I remembered that name! Go brain! What are you on? Vitamins or something?

As a Green Lantern, Guy can steal somebody's spaceship without reprisal. It's called commandeering when you're a pretend space police officer. Although he's not on official business, having left his ring behind and gone out in his Guy Gardner Warrior jacket. But he left a note that says, "Thanks for the loaner! Guy." That should totally hold up in court. "If I was stealing it, Judge, would I have called it a loaner? Duh! Idiot."

Meanwhile, Saint Walker has been found. He's the Blue Lantern whose head is a spermatozoa. Now I want to sew up a tiny little Saint Walker costume and jerk off on it. Cosplay!

While trying to rescue Saint Walker, Hal and Kyle fall victim to the Misery Mound. I know what you're thinking but that's sexist so stop thinking it. But they don't fall victim for long because they're so awesome and shit. After whatever just happened, they head back to Mogo with Saint Walker in tow.

Meanwhile, Arkillo responds to Guy Gardner calling him out for a fist fight after school.

The Ranking!
No change.

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