Thursday, December 15, 2016

Suicide Squad #8

This week's comics from DC are extra thick. I hope that means there is an envelope full of money in them.

Dammit. An envelope full of money did not fall out when I opened the comic book. It's just an overblown, pull-out advert for Justice League vs. Suicide Squad, just in case anybody interested in that had yet to be bombarded with the other adverts for it. It does show that Lobo (non-twat version) and Eclipso will be in the series, though, so I guess I'm a little more interested than I was. Although it also has Emerald Empress as part of the Super Duper Scary Max Lord Suicide Squad which seems weird since she's from the 30th Century. No wait. I'm still acting as if Rebirth makes any sense.

This month's cover made me realize a simple way to figure out if somebody is crazy! Just have them put on lipstick! If they can't help smearing it all over the place so that they look like my mother getting ready for a student-teacher conference, they're crazy! I don't know if it works for people who have never before put on lipstick, likes guys who lie to other guys about how they've never put on lipstick.

Once again, Harley Quinn uses up one of the twelve pages of the story to sum up events from last issue's twelve pages of story (eleven if you don't count the page where Harley sums up the previous twelve pages of story (eleven if you don't count...well, you get the pattern)).

So Zod is going to wake up and accept every script given to him by his agent?

I'd like to apologize for assuming that everybody understood the pattern forming in my previous parenthetical reference. If you voted for Trump, you might still be confused about how you can draw conclusions based on evidence to predict what will happen next. So, I'm sorry if that bit was confusing for you.

Rick Flag comes along to save Harley Quinn from being eaten by Killer Croc. Harley's plan to release The Enchantress went weird pear-shaped (which is subtly different than weirdly pear-shaped!) and instead of knocking out June Moone so that The Enchantress took over, she just knocked out June Moone. I guess The Enchantress is on a cigarette break because she never fails to take control at any available opportunity, like when June Moone sleeps or is sedated or is having an intense orgasm (which means Killer Croc didn't do it for her, I guess).

Rick Flag has stabbed himself in the leg with an ice pick so that the pain would keep him from murdering people. Or murdering random people because he seems to be just fine with shooting Killer Croc directly in his open mouth. As Rick tries to protect June by shooting Killer Croc, he yells, "I won't lose any more of my people, monster!" Isn't Waylon Jones one of your people? Who's the real monster here, Prick? June Moone is currently in her underwear and I'm really hoping that when she transforms into The Enchantress, she'll still be in her underwear, except fancier and more black magicky! And less crotchy!

Oh! Also, Rick put a tourniquet on his leg over where he stabbed himself with the ice pick and Harley is yelling, "You'll die from blood loss! You're crazier than all of us." He's not crazy. He's stupid if he chose to stab himself in the artery simply to use the pain to keep from going crazy. It hurts really bad just stabbing yourself in the muscle too, you know! I think. I mean, I've never been stabbed in either, so I can't really compare. But if I was stabbing myself in the hopes that the pain would allow me to stay clearheaded so I could save the world, I'm pretty sure I'd try to not stab myself in a way that would cause me to bleed out before I could save the world! Rick Flag is a dumb jerk.

Does this mean he has bulletproof external nasal cavities? Yuck!

What would an external cavity be? Is that like pondering the sound of one hand clapping?

Back at the lab, Harcourt and Waller haven't stabbed themselves in any arteries and they're not crazy like the rest of the people. Although they are killing scientists left and right and center and pear-shaped. That might still be proof of their sanity because just imagine how much they'll be saving the prison on faculty expenses! Although their insurance premiums are going to go through the roof. Unless Belle Reve's entire insurance costs amount to a few shovels, some people willing to dig graves on the sly, and a form letter expressing how they're going to have to fire the suddenly missing person for not having shown up for work for the last two weeks (sent out a week after the staff member is killed. Which also means they need to pay somebody to hack the time clock records! Oh wait! They can just get Hack to do that. More savings!).

You're really watering down the term "Nazi" here, Amanda! Also, you're probably offending some young Jewish people who think they speak for all Jewish people when they scream at other people for pointing out that somebody might be Nazi-like.

The Enchantress appears and she's fully clothed so I may or may not have completely lost interest in the rest of this story.

It's a bluff! That's just the device that orders more enchiladas from the local Mexican restaurant!

Meanwhile, Captain Boomerang is still trying to download his data into a real body. But Hack doesn't have time to download him into a chicken or a hot naked female body because Katana and the other insane inmates are running towards her. They're not killing each other anymore. I guess they've talked it out and decided they should only kill people who haven't gone insane.

The inmates have joined together to destroy Rick and Harley as well. I suppose when you only have twelve pages each month, you can't expect your narrative to remain cohesive. So the crazy people have to go from simply being crazy and chaotic to being a rebellious mass of zombified murderers intent on only killing the people trying to save the day. Maybe the Black Vault is more aware than I realized! It was just confused when it was waking up with Zod but now it's formulated a plan to...well, I don't know. Destroy the world, I guess. That's the usual plan! It'll probably be the plan of the Super Duper Scary Max Lord Suicide Squad too!

Oh no! I sort of can't wait for this in that way you can't wait for a train to pass by after you've destroyed the rails! I should probably do a special commentary on DC Challenge before this begins! I'd better dig those out of storage!

Here's my prediction for the Kamandi challenge! Each writer will work ahead of time outlining a bit of story they want to write for their part. That outline will be the meat of their issue and they'll wedge it into the framing of the rest of the story while mostly ignoring all of the plot threads and cliffhangers left by the other writers. It will be a spectacular, incoherent mess. But I can't wait to read Bill Willingham's bit! I wish he were drawing it as well!

The Enchantress decides to stop talking like a medieval plague doctor exposed to too much ergot and instead decides to become a Manic Pixie Black Magic Witch Sexpot. Maybe I'm imagining the sexpot part because I'm still picturing her wearing nothing but gossamer under garments. Whatever her personality, she manages to get Harley and Croc to the lab to save the day by accusing Waller of having psychological problems and by pushing Zod back into the Black Vault!

Zod awakens before he can be contained so everybody is fucked. Killer Croc tries to be brave by screaming "Entrails ramen!" at him while attacking him. Croc screamed that earlier too. I guess the phrase just cracked Rob Williams up too much to leave it as a one-off. I can hear him whispering in my ear right now as I read it, "Come on! That was funny! Admit it! Also, how about this clever bit of writing: Quinnpin! Ha ha!"

The Squad does something that causes Captain Boomerang to come back. I can't articulate what it is that happens. He's reformed from bits of General Zod as Zod is electrocuted and brought back under a red sun, maybe? Or he's just pulled out of the digital world in the same way Hack can digitize people for travel along the Internet and then reform them? Whatever happens, we're now definitely at no deaths in the current Squad after eight issues. Aside from the scientists and lab assistants and security guards and unnamed inmates murdered by Flag, Harcourt, Waller, Deadshot, and Katana.

Captain Boomerang claims he defeated Zod so I guess his "boomeranging" back to life did something to Zod that discounts the electricity and the red sun. That's probably just his cockiness acting up. I have the same problem in Call of Duty and Overwatch where I seemingly believe that I am the sole reason our team ever wins.

Harley Quinn winds up crazy again and Captain Boomerang has come back to life and Rick Flag doesn't die from blood loss and Katana doesn't think about all of the innocent people she killed and Killer Croc looks awkwardly at The Enchantress while trying to hide his scaly boner. But the biggest surprise of all (if any of those other things were surprising, amirite?!) is that Jim Lee did thirteen pages this month! Harley isn't the only insane thing about this issue! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (I'm putting lipstick on terribly right now!)

Before the backup story, there's an advert for Justice League Loves Saban's Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. People want to read this? Fuck, I'm old.

The backup story is about Killer Frost coming to Belle Reve. It's also the prelude to the biggest blockbuster Rebirth story in the history of Rebirth Blockbusters: Justice League vs. Suicide Squad! It won't hold that title for long though since it's actually the first Rebirth Blockbuster and it's written by Joshua Williamson. That means practically anybody can write the second Rebirth Blockbuster and it will be bigger than this first one.

That's disrespectful, Rick. She obviously wants to be called Sever Head.

The moral of the story is that Amanda Waller is heartless. The end!

The Review!
+1 Ranking! I guess. I enjoyed making fun of this issue and ensuring that I have a good time is the entire point of reading comic books. So whether this issue was actually bad or good doesn't matter to me. I quite enjoyed my time with it! That's probably not helpful but then, I never said I was helpful. Or compassionate! That didn't need to be said but I thought I should be honest at least once per day!

No comments:

Post a Comment