Friday, December 30, 2016

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Strange Adventures #1

What kind of a shitty alternate universe is this if Hawkman is still alive? Zero stars.

I would pay good money to read a pornographic comic book drawn by Frank Miller. I would also pay good money to make everybody listen to me read it as I scream, "OH GROSS! THAT CAN'T BE WHAT A VAGINA LOOKS LIKE, CAN IT?! AND WHY IS THAT PENIS SO MUSCULAR?!"

For those of you who don't understand things unless they're completely explained to you (and then still don't believe them because you first thought something else and will never stop believing your own assumptions and instincts over mere facts and authorial explanations), I'm not saying vaginas are ugly. I love vaginas. They are beautiful and terrific and if anybody wants to introduce me to one, let me know. The joke is that Frank Miller's art is terrible and if he drew a vagina, I imagine it would look monstrous. Now everybody who instantly thought I was saying vaginas are ugly should look deep inside themselves and admit that they don't know everything instantly and their deconstruction of every statement they come across is probably distorted by their own issues and worldview.

The Hawkcouple are flying over the desert where they come across Hal Jordan wandering like a Bedouin. Unless Bedouins don't wander at all and he's just dressed like one. Unless Bedouins don't dress like that. Maybe I should never have mentioned Bedouins at all since I'm almost completely ignorant of them and their culture and their sexual proclivities.

Speaking of sexual proclivities, these two are into some really weird ass stuff.

This Hawkman and Hawkwoman are brother and sister. They might still be a Hawkcouple so I'm not going to go back and correct myself. Until I know for sure that they aren't fucking and spraying diarrhea farts into each other's faces, I'm sticking to my guns.

Hawkbrother doesn't wear a shirt so neither does Hawksister. Now that's equality. I'm all for other people's sisters not wearing shirts. But mine should always wear a shirt. Two shirts even.

The Hawkcouple are just in this comic book long enough to point out that they shouldn't be in this comic book. Then they fly off leaving Hal Jordan to search for his ring alone. Except that they come back to help him when he steals his ring from the new owner! So I guess they should have been in this comic book. It's just weird that they're all, "We can't help him!" Then they're all, "We need to help him!" So, you know, they help Hal Jordan recover his hand with the ring on it. He also winds up getting a light construct Batmite as a sidekick for some reason. It probably makes sense if you're as old as Frank Miller.

The Ranking!
The tile of this comic book was Strange Adventures and it was definitely a strange adventure so I should judge it accordingly. It definitely did what it set out to do! Also, I think I saw one of Hawksister's nipples.

1 comment:

  1. Man, Frank Miller is just blatantly incompetent at this point. Can he just give up? On everything, writing, artwork, the whole hog. Please??