Friday, December 16, 2016

Justice League #10

Batman about to punch the fuck out of that giant fist.

Why is this story called "Outbreak"? It has yet to feature one diseased monkey who spreads the virus all over the...oh. Oh shit, Hitch. That's fucking racist, dude.

It seemed like the story was winding down last issue because Batman figured out the source of the virus and it was just some guy named James Palmer whose wife was killed in the Kindred's attack on Earth. Thankfully, she was the only victim of that attack or else the Justice League would be battling hundreds or thousands of angry widows and widowers. But since he's just some hacker, I would have thought the Justice League showing up at his door to arrest him would be the end of the story. Since it wasn't, I figured this issue would be about the Justice League apologizing to him and getting him to see things from their point of view and hopefully arresting him anyway and calling child services to remove the kids from the house. But since this cover shows a giant fist trying to crush the shit out of the Justice League, it looks like James Palmer isn't going down that easy. He also goes by the nickname Jesse James (or James Jesse?) so maybe he's the Rebirthed Trickster. Or Team Rocket.

James Palmer acts like he doesn't know what's going on so maybe this whole widower's revenge thing has been a red herring. Maybe somebody just stole his code and used him as a patsy to get even with the Justice League. Maybe James Palmer should be throwing his daughter under the bus because she probably stole her father's code and manipulated it to destroy the Justice League using her iPad! I mean her uSphere! uPad? I know it seems implausible (like, you know, the rest of the story) but DC loves its super genius young people! Typically, young people are running around smoking to show off in front of their peers and finger banging each other in the snack bar at the roller rink. But not in the DC Universe! Here they're solving unsolvable math problems and building impossible technology in their basements!

If it does turn out James Palmer didn't release the malicious code into the world on photons, then he definitely was jerking off to violent porn in the garage.

Need somebody to gossip? How about an unflattering drawing of some women?

James Palmer asks the Justice League why they're visiting him and none of them say, "We just wanted to offer our condolences and apologize (even though we shouldn't have to) for not being able to save your wife. I mean, we saved over six billion people so, mathematically, we saved 100% of the people on Earth, you know?" Instead, Batman says, "We were attacked and we're not going to stand for it!"

James Palmer admits that he was going to engage in cyber-crime and steal from LexCorps and Wayne Industries so he'd have money to help the victims of the Kindred attack. Wonder Woman is all, "He's telling the truth. Just look at him. You think this jerk could have programmed photons? No fucking way. We're looking for somebody from Apocalypse! Probably."

Half of the Justice League is truly perplexed that James Palmer isn't angry at the Justice League for the death of his wife. They really have a skewed perception of the world, thanks to terrible writers. Hell, even generally good writers fall for that bullshit. Check out the ending of Gail Simone's New 52 Batgirl #1 for some really stupid blaming the hero bullshit.

I guess Lily isn't into being finger banged down at the roller rink.

I bet the more Lily talked about her genius, the bigger Batman's sidekick boner grew.

I don't want a program like Genie. I want a site where you simply enter in the object you want and it mysteriously gets delivered to your house, no questions asked. I'd call it Monkey's Paw and nothing could possibly go wrong at all!

The Genie App was on Lily's uPad and being used by her little brother because it was his only friend. Has this story just been some kind of Freudian parable? James Palmer is the superego, Lily is the ego, and Bobby is the id? The Genie App is the body acting out the wishes of the subconscious which causes a lot of trouble since it's acting out on the id's wishes. Not that the id knows what it's asking Genie to do, of course. It's just hurt and angry and overriding the social mores of the superego and the common sense of the ego. And Lily obviously stole the code from her father due to her raging penis envy.

Genie is still playing the game so somebody needs to teach it Tic Tac Toe before it sends Amazo or the Shaggy Man to destroy them all.

Instead of just hacking some of Professor Ivo's robots, Genie offers the combined fortunes of Luthor and Wayne to any villain that can destroy the Justice League. Most villains know they can't destroy the Justice League but the dumber ones will probably respond to this challenge. At least the ones that aren't in jail after having responded to Two-Face's challenge to kill just Batman for a ton of money.

Double Down attacks first which is super exciting because who? I mean, I remember, vaguely, making fun of his name in some previous comic book. I think he pulls cards out of his skin or something just as gross. Next up is Giganta which means this neighborhood is fucked. That's what happens when superheroes come to your neighborhood in the DC Universe. They simply make it more dangerous! They're like guns. They offer the illusion of safety but are rarely needed and actually just increase the chances of somebody getting hurt or killed.

Giganta is knocked down and the Justice League begin fighting the new assailants from the safety of her crotch.

The villains who are willing to throw their freedom away for the chance at 750 billion dollars are Double Down, Giganta, Count Vertigo, Gizmo, Plastique, Girder, Psimon, Coldsnap and Heatstroke, Jinx, Mammoth, Major Disaster, and Shimmer. I suppose I could have shortened part of that list by just saying The Fearsome Five and part of the Masters of Disaster.

Batman takes the family inside the house to keep them safe and promptly fails because the Scarecrow was waiting inside for them. How the Scarecrow got here so quickly, I can only guess. Maybe he has a Scarecrow Plane called The Raven? Or the Fear Jet? Oh, and that whole list of villains I mentioned who received a double splash page to make things seem exciting and tense? They're defeated off-panel immediately because there's only one page left and the real threat needs to be introduced for the next issue: Amazo!

This neighborhood is fucked. It looks like there will be more civilians looking to get revenge on the Justice League soon!

The Ranking
No change. On the page opposite the Amazo reveal is an advert for the Rebirth Justice League trade by Bryan Hitch. The first review blurb by IGN says, "Some really thrilling artwork that establishes incredible scope and danger." You know what that's code for: "We couldn't think of anything positive to say about Bryan Hitch's terrible writing but the art is well done!" And since the art is by Tony S. Daniel, I imagine "establishes incredible scope and danger" is actually code for "two or three huge double splash pages!"

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