Sunday, December 11, 2016

Suicide Squad #5

Harley Quinn isn't on the cover? I bet sales dropped off and she's back on the next cover!

Not being able to handle the suspense, I checked the next issue's cover and Harley Quinn wasn't on it. What was on it was a huge spoiler: Captain Boomerang! I knew he jumped out of his smoking shoes and hid in the Russian bathroom during the battle with Zod! While I'm ecstatic that Captain Boomerang is still alive, I'm annoyed that nobody ever dies in the Suicide Squad! Task Force X needs a new nickname. How about Pretty Fucking Good At Completing Their Missions Without Any Losses Squad?

This issue begins with somebody thinking about Oppenheimer's words after witnessing the atomic bomb test at Trinity. They're all blah blah blah this and that, so heavy dude. Oh, and I just read the Bhagavad Gita, so here's a haunting line from that!" I can never remember them because I always think that Bainbridge's quote was the better quote, which I usually pretend was said by Oppenheimer (and by pretend, I mean totally think is true): "Now we are all sons of bitches." I'm pretty sure that was in the Bhagavad Gita as well. It's been years since I've read it but it sounds about right.

You know who I'm really beginning to like? Neegan from The Walking Dead. That's one charming motherfucker! I think I mean that literally? Anyway, I hated him in the comic book because he was an ugly person drawn even ulgilier by Charlie Adlard. But in the television show, he's all silky voice and sly grins! If I were a Mister Potato Head doll, I would slap on my vagina while watching The Walking Dead and diddle myself into ecstasy. And he's such a romantic! My idea of romance is bringing home a two pack of Reeses' Christmas Trees, tearing it open, shoving one in my mouth, and winging the rest of the package into the empty cushion on the couch next to the Non-Certified Spouse, so I might have a great grasp on what is romantic.

Harley Quinn wasn't on the cover but she is on page three. DC Comics really should have a note on the cover stating that she's in this book. Do they expect Harley Quinn fans to just assume Harley is going to be in each issue now? That's taking a pretty big risk with your wallet, DC! She's introduced as the "Quinnpin of Crime." Does anybody reading this know Rob Williams, the writer? If you do, can you grab a rolled up copy of this comic book, take him aside, and smack him on the head with the comic while saying, "No! NO! Bad writer! BAD!"

Oh! I have a quiz. How can you tell you like a shitty artist when you actually think the artist is the bee's pajamas?

They draw terrible faces on characters that don't make their dick's hard. I'm going to stick with that specific body part because I'm really just talking about Jim Lee, David Finch, and Tony S. Daniel. I'm fairly certain they all have dicks. I'm absolutely certain they spend 90% of their time drawing hot women. Also, I'm only assuming they're drawing women since most of their women look like tweens.

Rick Flag explains to Amanda Waller that the Russians have a Suicide Squad of their own named the Annihilation Brigade and that somebody called "Karla" has a Russian Belle Reve of their own full of potential corpses for the greater good. For some reason, Amanda Waller doesn't say, "I know, idiot! You don't think I know that?! Get the fuck out of here!" Instead, she patiently listens to Rick define the term "cold war" while making a mental note to put him on an even worse team for the next mission.

While the Suicide Squad debriefs, some scientists in the room behind them run tests on the Phantom Zone Sphere brought back from Russia. Harley Quinn walks up to touch it and the scientists watch while saying, "That's not a good idea" and "You probably shouldn't touch that" and "This should be interesting!" But Deadshot stops her and, for his quick thinking, Amanda nearly blows his head off. Amanda Waller really needs to calm down. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar although why would you want any flies and who, other than hipsters in Portland, drinks vinegar? They were probably the kid who always drank a cup of PAAS every Easter, right?

Meanwhile, Waylon and June Moon discuss oral sex and how they don't want to engage in it with each other. Unless they do? Maybe I read that passage incorrectly.

At lunch, Hack tries to bond with Harley. Hack is the new girl rescued from the Russian Belle Reve and now living in prison, I guess?

Harley says such crazy shit. Why would you surgically attach a publicity still of John Stamos to a Humpack Whale when you could simply use a nail gun?

Waller's scientists remove Zod from the Phantom Zone Sphere and begin trying to figure out a way to make him compliant so he can be the first truly useful member of the Suicide Squad. But Rick Flag doesn't like the idea, so he pulls out his gun and shoots Amanda Waller in the face. Maybe. I mean, he probably doesn't. But that's what the the story is surely implying before it ends!

The backup story is about Hack so I'm already bored. Although I suppose the readers need some background information on her (besides how hot to trot she is for Harley). If she's going to be this team's first real death, it's good to flesh her out a bit so that the readers will feel something when she dies. So far, I know she's African and a female. If she's about to die, she's probably also a lesbian.

Stephen Byrne is doing the art. Do you think the editor had to tell him, "No, no. Amanda is fat again. No, fatter. Fatter. Quite a bit fatter. No, fatter than that. Fatter. Fatter. Do you need the dictionary definition of fat? No? You got it. Okay! ... No, no! Fatter! Ugh. Forget it."

Hack tells Waller how she became a super villain. It's rather mundane for most super villain origin stories. She grew up poor, her little brother was killed in gang violence, she mysteriously got her power, she got vengeance, she got money, and she got too big for her britches. The Russians caught her and now she's in Belle Reve. She also hacks Amanda's file which Amanda doesn't want anybody to see so it's weird that Amanda keeps a file on herself. Apparently she lost someone and that's why she's such a cold fish monster bitch. That's lame! I was hoping she was that way just because she choose to be that way and not because her daughter Havana was killed in some kind of international incident that never would have happened had the government only been equipped with a secret super villain task force!

The Review!
No change. I see Jim Lee did his full twelve pages for this installment! What a champ! Great show! Triple Plus Good!

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