Monday, December 5, 2016

Action Comics #968

I think I accidentally got the gay porn parody of Action Comics.

We're entering a new age of anti-enlightenment so I think I need to get with the times. Sure, some people who have encountered my comic book commentaries probably already suspect I'm anti-enlightenment. I do make light of an awful lot of terrible things that nobody should ever be flippant about. But that's just because I'm more broken than the lot of them. They care so much that they can't stand to read facetious comments about terrible injustices. They still have a heart and are still capable of feeling things. Probably because they're all so young and passionate and still believe that the world can become a Utopian dream. But I'm old and bitter and don't give a shit about anything except my cat Judas which death took from me two years ago, leaving me bereft of any joy or hope. I'm a husk of a human being because forty-five years is apparently too long to live. Not that I want to be dead! Fuck no! I want to live until dementia kills my ego and understanding of actual death. Then I can die! I just mean after forty-five years, there's not much left to give a shit about that hasn't had the luster worn from it by the not-really-as-slow-as-I'd-like crawl of time. And you know what's hard to do when you don't give any shits about anything at all anymore? Critical reviews of pop culture! Apathy isn't exactly the best tool to bring to a discussion of popular entertainment! You need passion for the medium! You need a love of the characters! You need to care about fictional relationships and intense drama and twisting plots! You need to have an issue through which to perceive the stories being told to their current audience! But I have no issues! I'm a cipher!

I don't bring up my dark, cynical, uncaring bastardness to brag. I just thought it would show how I'm in a bit of a dilemma when it comes to writing about comic books. Some people are passionate about representation and can pick up any comic book on the shelves and discuss it through that lens. Some people care about feminism, or racism, or being an awkward teenage girl who can't get laid no matter how hard she tries because she's just on the other side of ugly. I might have cared about some of those things when I was younger. At this moment, my right foot is currently resting on a box full of college essays on those kinds of things. I wrote humorous essays in college too and, I suppose, those are the things that really stuck with me. I definitely got the most attention from professors for the funny stuff since they all seemed relieved that somebody in their class wasn't taking everything so fucking seriously. And, I guess, maybe that's my thing, right? Not caring. Not giving a shit. Embracing the farce of it all. Maybe it's really my time to shine because, historically, America is as close to a complete farce as it's ever been. I think maybe it's time to fire up my hate engine again. Especially because I remembered the following question from Anonymous and thought, "Hatred for my hobby was always a good angle, wasn't it?!"

Anonymous asked: Am I the only one who secretly wants you to hate almost everything you read? The reviews are normally more entertaining when you do, I find it to be true indeed.

Although what kind of an asshole ends a sentence with "I find it to be true indeed"? What a fucking dick.

Here's another piece of Anonymous mail I once received and my response:

Anonymous asked: You should consider Li'l Gotham for your backlog :)

You’re a backlog!
That elementary school response has brought me so much joy! Which is the most minuscule increment of joy that one can feel since I said that thing earlier about not feeling joy and I should probably continue to pretend, for at least this commentary, that I wasn't lying!

So I should probably get back to being extremely hateful! But not in the way Trumpland citizens are hateful! I mean in the way where I hate everything that is stupid and dumb and maybe not really poorly written but I'll make it seem that way anyway! My hate game is strong!

Before I get started, I want to clarify why I hate Donald Trump. It's because he's dumb. He's an idiot. He opens his mouth and nuggets of shit, not wisdom, dribble out. When people defend Trump, I can write them off as stupid as well because I think, "How do you not hear his stupidity in every word he says? In every Tweet he Twits? He's a goddamned moron." I've written off a lot of people in the last few months!

Here's Superman making an area unsafe and screaming at a nearby family to fuck off because they're in an unsafe place. What a dick.

Superman crashes into the helicopter of a pilot who gives Superman tours. Then Superman smashes Zade into a nearby trailer truck. The helicopter pilot says, "I am so fired." Why?! Why the fuck would you be responsible for Superman smashing up the heliport? Unless the pilot knows he's fired because he went against his boss's orders and didn't buy Superman Insurance. But who lives in Metropolis and doesn't buy Superman Insurance?! I bet Lex Luthor has made a killing on offering that shit! Mostly because he only pays out on a quarter of the claims. Superman Insurance doesn't pay out if the person Superman was battling smashes your shit. You have to read the fine print!

Although, really, the person who should have the insurance is Superman. If he were driving and he crashed into a helicopter and a truck and then another truck and then a building, Superman would be responsible for the damages! I suppose somebody could make a pretty good case that the alien is responsible but good luck getting him to pay up! The lawyers would go after Superman. If Superman paid for insurance that would guarantee innocent bystanders were compensated for damage and injury from his protecting the city, I'd complain less about Metropolis getting destroyed while Superman fights an alien whose only reason for being in Metropolis was to fight Superman.

See?! I knew I got the gay porn parody!

Superboy decides to get involved even though his father told him to stay put. If Superboy keeps acting this way, Clark and Lois are going to have to find him a Kryptonite babysitter. And I don't mean Metallo! I just mean, you know, a huge chunk of Kryptonite on a hand-truck that Lois wheels up from the lead-lined basement and into Jon's room. That should keep him put.

The editor, Mike Cotton, must edit this book while stoned. On one page, Superman thinks about how the mystery Clark Kent sent him an SOS and Cotton puts in an editorial note that that happened last issue. Then on the next page, Superman thinks about how the mystery Clark Kent sent him an SOS and Cotton puts in an editorial note that that happened last issue. You might see, by the similarity of my statements, how that was probably redundant. And it's redundancies like that which editors are supposed to be looking out for! Who edits the editors?!

Meanwhile, Lex is attacked by L'call the Godslayer and shits himself.

BRIPT is the sound effect of pants being shat in, right?

Lex Luthor shoots missiles at Godslayer but Godslayer teleports away to reappear behind Lex. But right before Godslayer teleports to dodge the missiles, he says, "Blasters. A 42-degree firing angle." I guess he's autistic and can't help calling out the angles of things because noticing the angle of the blasters means nothing when you're just teleporting out of the way.

Meanwhile Superman continues to fight Zade who introduces himself to Superman so that Superman won't forget him. Well, at least that means he's not going to kill Superman. That should allow Superman to relax.

Although this statement probably just made Clark's asshole repucker.

Just before Superman finds out what Zade's thing does, Superboy drives a truck into Zade. This defeats Zade because Superman apparently punches like a Kryptonian girl on a planet with a yellow sun. How is driving a truck into Zade more powerful than Superman punching Zade in the face? Superman punched Zade's arm earlier to make Zade let go of his throat and it didn't work. But a fucking semi-trailer truck smashes into him from the back and Zade is knocked out? I'm going to simply believe that Zade's ass is his Achilles Heel.

I didn't know (and still don't really know!) if it should be Achilles' Heel or Achilles Heel. I can see arguments for both so maybe it depends on usage. If the heel is actually the one that belongs to Achilles, then the apostrophe. But if it's just the phrase meaning a weakness that can lead to somebody's downfall, no apostrophe would be needed because the Achilles is just an adjective describing the kind of heel! The reason I mention this quandary is less about transparency and an exciting behind-the-scenes look at my writing but because when I was on the Wikipedia sight for Achilles' Heel, I checked out one of the past edits for "possible vandalism." Before reverting the article to its previous state, the "possibly" vandalized bit read this:

An '''Achilles' heel''' is a weakness in spite of overall strength, which can actually or potentially lead to downfall. While the mythological origin refers to a physical vulnerability, idiomatic references to other attributes or qualities that can lead to downfall are common. A large penis penetrated his heel killing him.

I don't know what the Wikipedia definition of "possibly" is but I think they're being overly cautious in its usage!

Superman leaves Zade without restraining him because he has never once really listened to any advice Batman has given him. Before he can stop Godslayer, Godslayer shows Superman an image of the future where Lex destroys an entire world. As if that's proof that Lex actually did it! I once drew a picture of me fucking my friend's mom and showed it to him and he rightly didn't believe I actually did it! And there's no way Superman is dumber than that friend of mine.

Superboy doesn't stay hidden well enough and Clark Kent catches a glimpse of him. I think he smells a Pulitzer! "Lois Lane Has Secret Bastard With Superman!"

I just remembered that there's already a Godslayer in the DC Universe! It's the knife that turned Barbara Ann Minerva into Cheetah! I wonder if they're related?

Superman gets stabbed in the shoulder and shot in the face before almost being beheaded. But Superboy stops Godslayer by whining "No! He's my dad!" while Clark Kent scribbles in his note pad and tries to hide his boner.

Godslayer and Zade scoop up Lex Luthor and teleport away to put Lex on trial for future crimes. If there were actually a way to tell future crimes, I'd want to be a Time Cop. Then anytime anybody made my life miserable, I would pretend to consult my Prediction Spheres before looking at them and saying, "Ah! A genocider!" Then I'd put them to death immediately and explain to all the witnesses that he might not be the only genocider in the area and maybe somebody wants to speak out against my actions, hunh?! Then when my Sergeant tries to reprimand me by saying there's no future evidence that the person I killed was a genocider, I'd be all, "Of course not! I killed them before they could become one! Why would the Prediction Spheres tell us old future news?! Duh!"

Clark notices Superman is upset about Lex's kidnapping and brings up the philosophical quandary about whether or not you'd kill Hitler as a baby to save millions of lives. Anybody who would do that is practically Hitler themselves! How could somebody kill a baby?! Especially when you'd have to live with the knowledge that you killed an innocent baby that never did anything to anybody (at least not yet). If it were up to me, I'd go back in time and give Hitler's mother an abortion!

Clark Kent votes for forgetting Lex was kidnapped and probably killed and to just go on with their lives and, by the way Superman, could you answer a question about that kid who says you're his dad?

The Review
No change. I guess this issue was better than the previous issue and definitely much more betterer than the issue before that! Next issue might be even better if it's just twenty pages of Clark Kent and Superman arguing the pros and cons of killing Baby Hitler and maybe how they'd go about it! At least Superman finally sees how this Clark Kent is different from him. He's a bloodthirsty maniac hungry for the blood of newborn babies! He also doesn't mind if Lex is killed for crimes he may never commit. I hope Clark Kent turns out to be a decently educated Bizarro.

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