Sunday, December 18, 2016

Future Quest #6

The Quest Team about to be sucked into the Time Vagina's vortex.

This is probably he last issue of Future Quest I'm going to read. Not because I don't love Hanna-Barbera cartoons! It's just that I don't love most of the Hanna-Barbera cartoons that make up this comic book! Sure, the Herculoids were one of my favorites as a kid. But Birdfuckingman? Johnny Quest? The Impossibles? No thanks! Maybe if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt wind up in this issue, I'll reconsider adding it back to the pull list.

The human body is an incredible machine. Today, I farted, belched, and urinated all at the same time. And I have a mind capable of admiring that feat! At first I typed "burped" and "peed" but I figured I should probably smart it up a bit. I couldn't think of a good smart word for fart. I wish I had been spitting instead so I could have said expectorate!

This issue begins with the kid from the swamp who was deputized by Johnny Quest expressing glee after turning into a full grown man named Mightor with a saber-toothed cat as his sidekick. He also decides to nickname his saber-toothed cat friend "Snag" which means this must be Snagglepuss. I'll know for sure when I see which side of the panel he exits.

When I was about ten or twelve years old, I would have hated suddenly becoming a full grown man. It would have just made me feel even more awkward and uncomfortable than I already was. The transition from childhood to adult is supposed to be a long battle against puberty which every child eventually succumbs to through attrition and self-doubt. When they finally drag themselves into sixteen or seventeen, they just roll over and scream, "Enough already! ENOUGH! I accept it! I'm a stupid adult! Fine! Fuck everything!" Although maybe it would be better to just wake up one day and find you've easily slid into the transition overnight. Then you can just pop out of bed, run outside, and find somebody to fuck badly!

Another player in this story is Ug, the caveman. He speaks some kind of made up gobbledygook language that I can call gobbledygook because it's fictional. You can't call me disrespectful for that. It's why I only criticize comic books because anybody who screams at me for saying something they disagree with just looks like a petty asshole who takes their stupid comic books way too seriously. Ug is a fucking stupid caveman who sounds like his mouth is shitting when he speaks! There! I said it! He disgusts me!

I once had a growth spurt when somebody grabbed my club fossil! OH!

The kids know Mightor used to be Ty because he's the only black character in this comic book. I hope his introduction to the Quest team gives Hadji the confidence to start calling out all of the racist crap Dr. Quest and Race Bannon get up to. I'm fairly certain there as least one episode where Dr. Quest experiments on Hadji, and at least three episodes where Race Bannon said the N-word.

I'm glad I've forgotten all of the dinosaur names I knew as a kid because about 75% of those names probably aren't recognized by the scientific community anymore. Hell, when I was a kid, people still weren't sure what killed off the dinosaurs. One Dr. Larson thought maybe they died from smoke inhalation!

In the 70s, dinosaurs had names like Angry Sky Lizard, Terribly Fat Swamp Monster, and Long Necked Ducklodadopuss.

Mightor arrives with the unconscious body of Birdfuckingman and leaves him with Johnny Quest. Before he leaves, he says, "Told you Snag was a scrapper!" Oh, did you? When did you say that? In the time that doesn't exist where you hung out with Johnny and the others after transforming and before this moment? Fuck you, Ty. You're a fucking liar! You're worse than that guttermouthed Ug.

Meanwhile in another universe or timeline or reality, Space Ghost fights for his life against the evil monster whose name I've long forgotten. I do know it isn't Brak, unfortunately. Oh! It's Omnikron! I think that means "All of the weed." Space Ghost chases it through a Time Vagina, so he'll probably be on Earth soon too.

Race Bannon, master of anatomy!

Zin's dinosaur attack on the Quest's isn't proving sufficient to destroy them so he ties a bomb to a velociraptor and giggles maniacally. He might be the greatest evil scientist in the history of evil scientists!

Somehow, Birdfuckingman saves the kids from the velicoraptor bomb. He must have seen this trick before. Maybe Zin isn't as imaginative as I thought. I bet he pulls the old bomb on a dinosaur every time he needs to make a fast get away with a kidnapped scientist. Oh yeah, during the kerfuffle, Jade kidnapped Dr. Quest. Good. Dr. Quest probably made his career as a scientist thanks to Project Paperclip. He deserves whatever he gets.

That's the end of the Jonny Quest bit because the last half of the comic had to be used for something even more boring than a Jonny Quest story: The Impossibles! Also, I know I've been spelling "Jonny" wrong throughout this commentary but I'm too lazy to fix it. So if it was bothering you, you should realize that you might have a problem with being a know-it-all jerko and not some super chill awesome dude like somebody I know! Hint hint: it's me!

The Impossibles, who are giant Magic the Gathering playing nerd bro whinter babies, make a friend who is a girl. So, you know, they live up to their name! The end!

The Ranking!
You know what? I've always hated Jonny Quest. He's such a little prick. And his dog is an asshole too. I don't know why I even began reading this comic book. No wait! I do remember! Because the Herculoids were in it! But they're not in it enough for me to keep reading it. So I'm throwing you in the discard pile, Future Quest! Somebody let me know if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt ever turn up in this thing!

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