Saturday, December 24, 2016

DC Rebirth Holiday Special #1, Part One


Christians, here is why you suck. I know, I know. Supposedly you don't all suck. But it's kind of hard to judge the ones who don't suck because how am I supposed to know you're a kind and caring and empathetic Christian when you don't point it out to me on a constant basis? You see my dilemma! But, being a kind and caring and empathetic and silent Christian, you probably don't need me to know that fact because you're also humble. So, forgive me for smearing shit all over you as well in the following few sentences. I'm sure you're strong enough and understanding enough to know I don't mean you. Because those other Christians you feel you have to pal around with and turn your other cheek to? They're just awful. I mean, why do you need to force your Christmas on everybody else? I grew up celebrating a secular Christmas. My mother's family, the one I spent most of my time with and identify with, were not religious at all. My grandparents had two wedding photos in their living room and it was years before I understood that the first one was at the court getting legally married. The second one in the church was basically to shut up all of the assholes in the neighborhood who were chomping at the bit to call their children bastards because they weren't really married, according to, you know, God. But we celebrated Christmas because it was a fucking holiday and it got the family together and everybody had a great time. So stop trying to shove the version of Christmas you grew up with in my face. My Christmas doesn't need Jesus simply because you've decided that the real winter solstice celebration is the one that was made up later to convince pagan people their celebrations were somehow tied into Christian theology. It's sad and pathetic that y'all can't just live your own life. You have this burning desire and need to make everybody else live your life too. Get the fuck out of here and let me celebrate my family's meaning of the season. Oh, and Happy Holidays, Motherfucker!

That was me being nice in the spirit of the season! Which is a Christmas Miracle in itself! You would think by the end of the year, I'd barely be able to muster anything but fiery rage from having to hear the phrase "God bless" nearly every fucking day of the year previous. I would be less annoyed if everybody thanked their own individual imaginary friend from childhood instead of all deciding that they should share one boring Imaginary Friend. And, yes, Allah and Jesus's Dad and Yahweh are all the same Imaginary Friend. It's just the people know Him through different PR firms (the PR stands for "prophet").

I don't know why I purchased this comic book. Ten fucking dollars for a comic book that will be relegated to the 75% off bin in a matter of months? I might as well be giving my money to people who need it!

I should probably discuss the cover a bit first. Who fucking invited Harley Quinn to this party? When did she get the Deathstork free pass to operate as a villain without heroic intervention? I guess anybody who has a history of sucking face with Bruce Wayne or Batman gets to do whatever they want. Now you're picturing Bruce and Slade under the mistletoe, right? I was going to make a mistletoe/cameltoe joke sometime this season but then Rob Beckett made that joke in the 8 Out of 10 Cats Christmas Special. Hopefully that special won't wind up being one of Carrie Fisher's last television appearances! Please get well soon, Princess Leia!

Obviously Diana just ripped a big fart which is about to kill Batgirl. And Damian is getting away with murder. We all know that kid, don't we?! The parents just don't have the time, patience, or inclination to get their asshole kid under control during the celebration, so that one fucking dick just runs amok ruining everybody else's good time. I remember hiding my Christmas presents from my cousin Troy every year at my dad's parents' house because he was a fucking maniac who thought every toy was a football and every concrete surface in the backyard was a receiver in the end zone. What a colossal asshole!

So the issue opens with Harley Quinn on stage introducing this collection of stories. That's when I remembered why Harley Quinn was on the cover and why she gets a free pass. This issue costs ten dollars and DC needs to make sure they sell a bajillion copies! The only way to do that is to stick Harley Quinn in it.

Oh? The Holiday Season has glorious traditions? What, might I ask, are those? Shoveling snow off of the city sidewalk in front of your house before the stupid assholes fine you for not taking care of their property? I can't think of one that Californians celebrate. I think wishing for rain so that they can continue to over water their shitty lawns might be one.

Harley's interludes between the other stories have been written by her creator, Paul Dini. Or co-creator. Whatever. I don't need to know for certain since I don't have to pay royalties on my Harley Quinn fan fiction. And, yes, I have written some. Usually they involve her and the shower head and bending over with her legs slightly parted without any underwear and...excuse me. I need to go have my first masturbation session of Christmas Eve! Be right back!

Okay, now that I've pretended to do that, let's get back to the story! Also, just so everybody knows, I didn't just engage in Holiday Masturbation. That was Christmas Masturbation all the way! This is probably a thought I shouldn't have had but now I'm wondering how many people have ever masturbated on or in a nativity scene?

Com on, Dini. Raep jokes are never funny.

This is the problem with these extra long comic books. I always spend a lot of time writing bullshit at the beginning and by the time I realize I'm only about ten pages into the comic book and I've been writing for an hour, I simply hurry through the rest of the book so I can go play Christmas Eve Overwatch.

Since The Twelve Days of Christmas (or whatever the fuck the song is called. Again, I don't have to do bookkeeping for royalties, so I don't have to actually know anything!) is longer and more boring and repetitive than Paradise By the Dashboard Light, Harley cuts away to the first story. This one is called "The Last Minute" and is written by Tim Seeley. That means it's probably good! Although right from the first Narration Boxes, I'm sensing it has too many agenda layers!

Ug! Foreign languages and gay monsters?! What would Jesus think? In English, of course!

While Superman defeats the Gay Monster (unless it's a monster who represents the covenant between God and his Chosen People that he'll never again destroy the world by flood. But, I mean, what are the odds that's what rainbows mean anymore? Even Christians have decided God lost that battle to the gay community!), Batman stands in the background pointing out how Superman is using his strategy to defeat the monster. Not that it's much of a strategy. Superman's usual strategy of punching the enemy until the enemy stops punching back is close enough to Batman's strategy that I think Superman would have been okay without Bruce standing around taking all of the credit.

Superman is all, "Look at these idiots buying gifts while they ignore the Gay Threat Against Christmas!" And Batman is all, "Duh! Totally logical, Stupidman! They have to buy food and presents for the Cena de Nochebuena! I think mentioning that celebration means this is now an edutainment comic book, right?" The mention of presents and monsters makes Superman realize that he's forgotten to buy a gift for J'onn! Well, come on. How much time does it take to stop at an all night convenience store to pick up a dozen packages of Oreos?

Oh wait. Superman hasn't shopped for Jon, his fucking son! I could understand if he'd forgotten to get the martian a gift by 6:00 PM on Christmas Eve. But his own son?! Jesus Christ! See? I'm not forgetting the made-up reason for the season!

Notice Batman didn't say, "I got one for Damian too." He just said Damian wants one. I guess Damian is getting socks.

I think the Man of Steel is going to have to become the Man of Christmas Crime because there's no way he's getting the most asked for gift of the season at the last minute. Superman searches all over to obtain the video game system legally but without any luck. last chance! One last system on one last store shelf in one last store in Gotham City!

This would have been much more satisfying if Alfred had nabbed it out of Clark's grasp. But I guess Damian knows he's only getting socks if he doesn't buy his own gifts because Bruce is the worst father.

Bruce and Damian spend Christmas Eve at Clark and Lois's house so we all know where this is going! Jon's big present will be the video game system from Damian. And Damian's big present will be humiliating Jon's father in front of everybody! Although the Christmas Miracle might be Damian pretending the gift is from Clark simply so he can lord it over Superman in the future. "Remember how I saved Christmas for you, Superman? I mean, I know I ruined it for you by taking the gift you were going to give to your kid! But then I saved it by giving that same gift to him from you! So, you owe me! I think."

Damian isn't as shrewd as I thought and he gives the present to Jon from himself. I mean, in a way, that's the better humiliation. But it seems more League of Assassins to set it up so that only he and Clark knew the truth! Of course, Clark being Clark, he sees the bright side in the situation.

That "ahem" means the traditional Christmas Dick Sucking is about to begin. Happy Gay Monster Nochebueno Day everybody!

Harley Quinn shows up for a page to justify the ten dollar expense of this comic book to all of her fans who probably subsidized this book before getting to another story starring Superman. But at least this one has Krypto! It's called "For the Dog Who Has Everything..." and it's probably going to be maudlin (minus the eggnog. Unless you're drinking eggnog!).

Clark and Jon head to the Fortress of Solitude instead of the mall to find Krypto a present. Jon is disappointed because Fortress of Solitude, unlike the mall, does not smell like Cinnabons. When I go to the mall, I like to sing, "Cinnabon-bon! Cinnabon-bon! I take the escalator to the mezzanine. For Cinnabon-bon! Cinnabon-bon!"

That was a Soul Coughing parody for those of you who don't remember Soul Coughing! I'm guessing that's roughly all of you.

This story is filled with liberal agendas too! It's all about identity politics and how Superman is an alien living in America and trying to figure out who he is! But then he comes up with the answer that won't make anybody happy: he's just himself! He's an individual who doesn't need to perfectly encapsulate Krypton or white, rural America! Especially since both of those halves are kind of fucking racist! Obviously I don't mean you, dear reader, if you're Kryptonian or from Kansas. We're all good people here who understand the importance of each individual having the same rights and dreams and opportunities as every other individual, even if they are from a xenophobic planet (or state!) that uses an awful lot of slurs for Daxamites (or, um, other people!) than I'm comfortable with.

Jon decides to make Krypto a collar from the belt of his dad's old Superman suit. Then Jon learns the greatest Christmas truth of all: we're all alone in a sea of our own sadness and desperately clinging to others just as fearful as we are and whom we can never truly know! Merry Christmas!

Back to Harley's party, everybody receives their gift from Batman: a donation in their name to the Wayne Foundation Police Retirement Fund! So Bruce just put more money in one of his charities. What a guy!

The next story stars Detective Chimp and Batman. It is called "The Night We Saved Christmas." Remember how The New 52 was determined to get rid of silly things like Detective Chimp? That was the worst part about The New 52. I mean other than getting Scott Lobdell, Howard Mackie, Ann Nocenti, Rob Liefeld, and whoever wrote Grifter to write for it! I know who wrote Grifter but I thought people wouldn't remember what awful comic book he wrote if I just mentioned him by name. Also, he paid me off to never again mention him on my blog. Hear that, Cullen Bunn? We can make a deal if you want!

That isn't really true about Nathan paying me off. But it could be true if Cullen Bunn wants to start the tradition!

So, um, Bobo and Bruce save Christmas and shit. That fucking title was such a spoiler! I was all, "I wonder what's going to happen? And then I was all, 'Oh yeah. They're going to save Christmas. It's right in the title!'" It's like if Jaws had been called The Sheriff Saves the Town's Tourist Industry By Blowing Up A Shark While On A Boat That Wasn't Nearly As Big As It Probably Should Have Been. Then it probably would have been subtitled "Harry Wears Some Bad Hat."

The next story is called "Dreaming of a White Christmas" and stars Wonder Woman and John Constantine. Uh oh. I hope you're reading this story past the watershed because I'm certain somebody is about to say cunt!

Constantine is under a spell that makes him impotent. No wait. Um, the other word. The one where you can't sleep! Incontinent? No, that's not it. Um, anyway, he's searching for the witch that cast the curse at a Solstice Celebration when he runs into Wonder Woman searching for Dionysus.

Was that a dick joke? I think that was a dick joke! It was definitely longer than it is engorged! I mean wide!

Constantine says some pretty sexist stuff and I laugh out loud. Not because I'm sexist but because the writing is funny! People think the world will be great once everybody stops being mean to everybody else. But the truth of the matter is the world will only be the perfect place when we can make fun of every kind of person in the same way that it's okay to make fun of white men. That's equality! Because, as a white man, I don't give a shit when somebody makes a joke about white men. Doesn't bother me at all! Because the world teaches me, from birth, that I'm an individual and obviously I'm not the white men being made fun of! Pshaw! It's all those other idiotic white men! So until the world teaches every child, from birth, that they are, first and foremost, the individual that they are, how can we make stupid jokes about everyone? I mean, we can do that already! I just mean how can we make stupid jokes about everyone without being called gross and disgusting and problematic?! Those words are hurtful!

Constantine and Wonder Woman soon discover the people they're after.

The use of "Class-A" reminds me of my attempt at a phrase with the word "ass" repeated the maximum number of times while still, mostly, making some kind of sense. Here it is: "Class-A S.S. Ass Assassin!" Doesn't that invoke a story of the best assassin of asses the Nazis have ever known?!

I guess everything ends happily ever after or something.

This is a long comic book! I'd better break it up into two parts! That's it for Part One! Happy Christmas Eve!

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