Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #3

I hope the last thing Steve Dillon ever drew wasn't Six Pack's befouled pants or Dog Welder's hand up a dog's ass.

Holy shit! Thanks to Steve Dillon's cover which reminded my of artists whose art I don't really like which reminded my of Charlie Adlard, I just remembered I haven't watched this week's The Walking Dead! I'm such a slacker! I also haven't watched this week's Supergirl! Or the last two week's Scream Queens! I'm so far behind in my television watching. I haven't even mentioned all of the shows that have been on HBO or Showtime that I don't have easy access to which are in the queue of things to watch, if I can get to them before I die.

Anyway, Six Pack and Dog Welder are three issues in and they haven't traveled hard at all yet. But I shouldn't get angry because, according to the cover, they're finally going to get out of Gotham and head to England. I know most of you are probably thinking I'm an idiot because they're obviously in Egypt. As if Egypt still has any of their mummies! I admit the pyramids are are still in Egypt but I'm sure that's only because the British couldn't figure out an easy way to smuggle them back home.

This issue begins with Constantine saying "fuck" but in all asterisks which confuses me because this book is the same rating as Vigilante: Southland and they were able to print the actual swear in that comic book! Maybe that's because Vigilante didn't also have a guy with his hand up a dog's asshole. Garth Ennis probably had to make some concessions with the language to get in the dog fisting.

This issue is called "All He Left Us Was Alone" so now I'm weeping inconsolably and yelling "Daddy!" for some reason.

My first thought as I scanned this scene was, "Is this the same artist? Everything in Noonan's is so clean!" And then I noticed the little drop of liquid shit on the floor between Six Pack's legs and almost threw up.

Dog Welder wanders off so now the road trip has to wait for Hacken to tell Six Pack a story about something that happened to Dog Welder the previous year. But before Hacken can get to his story so that the story can get to the road trip, the story shifts to where Dog Welder wandered off to. He's gone off to see his kids! Which is probably the story Hacken was going to get to! You know, the one where Dog Welder's family came to find him and then he welded dogs to his kids' faces? I wish my father had showed that much affection.

Remember how I've often complained about John Constantine not being John Constantine now that he can't say cunt in his own comic book? Well, that's been rectified here! Um...sort of.

Berk is Cockney rhyming slang for cunt!

I know berk doesn't rhyme with cunt but you have to get past that! Cockney rhyming slang is more complicated than just thinking up a rhyme and using the rhyming word. That's too fucking obvious! If you called somebody a "hunt," they'd totally know what you were getting at! But if the rhyme for cunt were, say, "Berkshire Hunt" then you drop the last word, chop a syllable off the first word, and whammo! Berk! Now you can call people the worst word in the world and get away with it!

Section 8 arrives to calm the situation between Dog Welder and his ex-wife. He does this by guzzling vodka and throwing up between his fingers. That should work, right? When a maniac dressed in a welder's outfit shows up talking to you through a dead dog shoved onto his hand, it takes a back seat to a flying surfboard showing up carrying a pile of guts, a barely verbal drooling sodomite, a demon screaming his name, a drunk smelling of shit and piss, and a British guy in an astronaut's helmet, right? That's kind of like de-escalating a situation.

The cops also arrive but Constantine takes them out with his sci-fi Hellb-laser. Is that why he became a parody of the Silver Surfer in this? Just for the Hellblazer laser joke?

Dog Welder realizes that he can't go back to his family so that's his super hero cross to bear. I think it's the part of the comic book where Garth Ennis gets a big maudlin so that readers can think, "Oh yeah! Ennis knows how to write stuff that isn't just piss and puke and hating on super heroes and massively injuring the bad guy in innumerably unspeakable ways!" And then Constantine makes Dog Welder's family forget him so that nobody ever has to deal with that part of the story again! But he doesn't use the Hellblazer on Dog Welder because that would take away his need to be a hero. Remember what happened to Bruce Wayne when he forgot all about his childhood trauma?! He became boring and began helping children in the community instead of dressing them up like whackjobs and endangering their lives. So boring!

And then Section Eight finally hits the road! Or the skies! Or the surf! I'm not sure how to describe traveling by magical surfboard.

Once in Egypt, they must enter a pyramid because that's where all of the cool shit happens like turning guys into Metamorphos and all of the other comic book stuff that has happened in pyramids that I can't remember but I'm sure must have happened a lot. And that's when the mummies attack! Should I have used an exclamation point for that? It's not like it was a surprise or anything. Even if the mummies weren't on the cover, who was expecting anything other than mummies? I suppose curses and death traps too! But those are optional. You can have a trip to Egypt and the pyramids without those. But you can't leave out the mummies!

The Review
This issue wasn't as gross as some of the past issues so it didn't feel like I was reading a Section Eight comic book. Which on one hand is a good thing because I hate being reminded of how squishy and disgusting the human body is. But on the other hand, I really felt like the issue was missing something. Of course, on the other hand, that something was splatterings of semen, shit, piss, and vomit on every surface in the background and on everybody's clothing. I've now gone into debt on the amount of hands I've used to explain myself.

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