Friday, December 30, 2016

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #2

Why is the title full of glory holes?

This issue begins with Amanda Waller screaming, "Suicide Squad! You will do as I say!" I guess they just caught her not going on dangerous missions and they were all, "Why do we have to do them but you don't?!" And she's all, "Do as I say! Not as I do!" Which, when you're a stupid teenager, sounds like the most bullshit reasoning in the whole fucking entire world. But you need to understand where this comes from. If, say, a parent tells you to wash your dishes after you eat but you don't because you notice your parents never get right to their washing up either, you might think that's fair. But as a parent, you know you can leave shit lying around the house for as long as you want because you're eventually going to have to deal with your own shit. But when your kid does it, you know your kid is never again going to get to it and it's either berate them constantly until they scream about how much they hate you and possibly break the dish, or just fucking do it yourself. If you don't see the difference, you're probably a shitty teenager. Oh, and in the case of a parent who smokes who tells their kids not to smoke or drink? Why the fuck do you think they do those things and possibly heroin too? It's because of you, you little ingrate! You can smoke and drink and shoot up as much as you want once you bring a miserable little child into your life to completely destroy all of your hopes and dreams. But up until that moment, your parents are trying to keep you in a position where you fucking care about your future! They know they have none so they can tell you to do what they say and not what they do. They're talking from experience and you should listen because the best kind of experience comes from people who completely blew it. And you better believe your parents are some of those people. Why else would they have had you?

That shot of Waller is the first page. The second and third page are basically a repeat of the big double splash page from last issue when the Suicide Squad first clashes with the Justice League. It's just from a different angle to fool the reader into thinking the fight has progressed. I know the fight hasn't progressed at all because Captain Boomerang is still standing against The Flash. That fight should end at the one or two second mark. Shortly after that, Harley Quinn should fall. Then Deadshot. Then El Diablo. Then Killer Frost. Then Enchantress. And finally, Aquaman. Then the cover of issue three will be like Crisis on Infinite Earths #7 with all of the heroes attending the funeral of Aquaman. In the middle of the shot will be Superman dropping Arthur into a giant toilet bowl.

Why isn't Batman fighting Boomerang?

Deadshot's big plan to defeat the Justice League is to split up. He thinks that by splitting up the Justice League, the Suicide Squad will be able to defeat them. But, really, what difference will it make? It's not like anybody was backing up Batman while Deadshot was battling him. It's not like Wonder Woman needed help against Harley Quinn, or The Flash can't take down Captain Boomerang if the other League members aren't moving so slowly behind him that they're practically statues. Although it will mean nobody will be able to come to Aquaman's rescue. And I think Killer Frost might be able to take Cyborg since all she has to do is freeze the circuits on his White Noise Cannon and he'll be powerless. And when is the last time Superman defeated somebody who uses magic? So I guess Deadshot's plan is half right.

Meanwhile in the Swiss Alps, Maxwell Lord is trying to convince his Super Duper Suicide Squad that they're not being mind controlled into helping him even though he's mind controlling them into helping him. Lobo is all, "How do we know you're not manipulating us with your power?" And Max is all, "Because I'm too busy dealing with this bloody nose! Duh!" Luckily for Max Lord, nobody in comic books know about psychic nosebleeds.

Max dangles the carrot of killing Amanda Waller in front of the cosmic monsters he's assembled. Apparently they hate Amanda so much that they'd rather do what Max says than go their own way, accomplishing their own goals and fulfilling their own desires. I guess Amanda Waller was responsible for putting these villains away in The Catacombs. Why else would they hate her? Just because they've heard she's the biggest jerk in the DC Universe?

The battle begins and the first conflict is between Superman and Enchantress. I called this one for Enchantress and, so far, she's beating Superman. Because he's too nice and she uses magic. Pretty much what I said last commentary.

The second encounter is between Cyborg and Killer Frost. I said this match-up didn't matter but, if I'd been serious, I would have given the match to Killer Frost. Once again, a female villain uses her sexy girl wiles to manipulate the man and get the upper hand. I don't mean that "once again" as in "all female villains always do this and here we go again!" I meant that the Enchantress did that to Superman and now Killer Frost just did it to Cyborg. The encounters are so similar that I wouldn't have put them on facing pages.

The third encounter is between the Green Lanterns and El Diablo. Here's what I said last commentary: "Simon Baz encloses El Diablo in an airtight bubble and extinguishes his flame."

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Okay, fine. Even a Novice Comic Book Reader could have predicted this match-up. That doesn't take away my accomplishment!

I knew The Flash should win in a matter of seconds but I couldn't help predicting the old "missed me" returning boomerang shot to the head. I guess that doesn't work against The Flash who has probably seen it at least five dozen times before. He defeats Boomerang without even laying a finger on him.

The next conflict is between Killer Croc and Aquaman. I said who cares about this one and I meant it. Who fucking cares?

Batman is shot twice in the chest by Deadshot in their fight but he's got Bruce Wayne money to make the most advanced bulletproofing available. I mean, maybe not as good as Deathstork's Icon suit but it's still pretty good. Batman knocks out Deadshot in one punch after that. I guess Amanda Waller is going to have to blow the heads off all of the Squad members before they rat her out. Unless Rick Flag is arriving in some kind of Anti-Justice League Mechamonster.

Wonder Woman defeats Harley Quinn after the prerequisite pages of Harley acting crazy funny. Not that Williamson knows how to write funny but you can tell, as a reader, that he's trying. It's all we can ask for. Not that we'd get anything more if we asked for it which is why we should probably only ask that he try.

But all of the fighting doesn't matter because Waller has one big move that's the entire plan. Enchantress knocks Superman into the ground because, you know, magic! While he's down, Waller commands Killer Frost to absorb his energy because it's almost as good as absorbing Firestorm's Slash Fiction Energy. When she takes it, her powers explode all over the place and everybody on the beach is frozen. The Justice League has been defeated! Mostly because Waller is smarter than Batman. Or is she?! I bet Batman wanted to be caught so he could get his chance at stopping Waller directly!

The entire Justice League has now been caught by Waller and imprisoned in special cells that keep them from accessing their powers. How do the cells work? Well, there's the red sun in Superman's cell and then there's...well, it doesn't matter! The only thing you need to know about comic books is that when a plot point needs it, a hero's powers can be rendered useless! It's just a thing you have to accept if you're a comic book reader.

The Ranking!
No change. Isn't this exciting, folks?! It's just like a blockbuster movie! And by that I mean it's bland and predictable but full of punches and other punches! Plus, did you catch the scene with Lobo in it? That was pretty awesome, right? Fucking Lobo! Not Twat Lobo! Hell no! Real Deal Lobo! Right in this comic book! Man, I've got such a boner right now!

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