Sunday, December 25, 2016

Justice League #11

Oh boy. It's time for Bryan Hitch's take on the already told way too many times Amazo versus the Justice League story!

Amazo has the powers of the entire Justice League but has he ever used Aquaman's powers? Why would he need to? The League probably just assumes Amazo has Aquaman's powers for the sake of Aquaman's pride.

Superman: "Great Caesar's cow patties! Amazo is too fast utilizing Flash's speed!"
Wonder Woman: "And my punches can't get through his Green Lantern shielding!"
Batman: "Watch out for his Superman heat vision!"
Aquaman: "He's deflecting all the shrimp I throw at him with Wonder Woman's projectile deflection thing she does!"
Cyborg: "Oh, um, I hope he doesn't, um, you know, call forth some sharks or something with his Aquaman fish ta...."
The Flash: "Telekinesis! His sea creature telekinesis! He's tough enough without that super scary thing happening!"
Jessica Cruz: "What are you guys talking about? We're in Colorado! Who cares if he even has Aqua-powers!"
Simon Baz: "Yeah! I mean, why did we even bring Aquaman on this mission?"
Aquaman: *tears silently run down his face*

The best part about having Aquaman on the Justice League is when they go into space and the writer desperately searches for something he can add to the story so they usually have him communicate with the aliens because they have gills or fins on their heads or something. He's really just Justice League eye candy, isn't he?

The Justice League have been attacked in a neighborhood in Denver. Last issue, Batman mentioned they should probably take the fight elsewhere but do they even try? No. They just decide destroying the neighborhood and putting more people at risk as they fight to defend their lives is justified. They're as terrible as the Teen Titans.

This whole thing about collateral damage from super hero battles shouldn't even be a talking point. But because heroes no longer battle alien menaces or threats to the public safety and only seem to battle antagonists bent on destroying them, all collateral damage subsequently becomes the fault of the heroes simply existing. Why hasn't Batman created an Excel spreadsheet to calculate the pros and cons of the Justice League remaining in operation? I suppose he already has and just hit delete after realizing there was no way they were really protecting anybody. Superman alone should pull a Doctor Manhattan and just go live on Mars due to the multiple times he's been manipulated by super villains and threatened the world himself.

Why did bad writers have to make me so cynical of superhero comic books?! Fuck them all!

For one sweet second, I thought Maps Mizoguchi was working with the Justice League!

Yeah Flash! Evac the houses because the Justice League are about to set this fucking neighborhood on fire! No wonder Batman thought it was a logical when he believed a collateral damage victim had turned into a supervillain.

Scarecrow has decided to add a dance routine to his villainous monologue.

The guy in the background, James Palmer, knocks Scarecrow out with a baseball bat because he's afraid of losing his kids. Once Scarecrow is unconscious, his fear gas stops working and Batman comes to his senses. Unless Batman was just faking so James Palmer could find the hero within him! That's probably what was happening. I'd hate to think Bryan Hitch didn't know what he was doing.

While the Fearsome Five discover the Genie AI, The Flash has become The Midnighter. He's calculating odds and running scenarios and seeing patterns and figuring shit out because his brain works so fast. Barry decides the biggest threat is Major Disaster because he's forgotten that Amazo has shown up.


The Flash decides to stop Major Disaster by knocking an unconscious Giganta on top of him. But if he still has his force field, it's not like that's going to put him out of commission. He can still think about making natural disasters while under Giganta's ass! Oh. I see. He's probably masturbating now. Good work, Flash!

Superman hasn't responded to help the Justice League because he's dealing with a Phantom Zone breakout. Apparently Genie did that too. Maybe Superman shouldn't keep the Phantom Zone attached to his wi-fi? Oh, you know what? It was probably hacked by the malicious code that was programmed onto photons and so invaded every single thing ever.

After a couple issues of fighting, the entire neighborhood is destroyed and not one villain is out of commission. Instead, they've got the Justice League and the Palmer family surrounded and they're ready to take Lily and her uPad with the Genie AI. Amazo has, frankly, not been a factor even though he was the big cliffhanger plot point at the end of the last issue. This is one of those situations where there's only one chance left!

This ten year old is as smart as Batman. Fuck you, DC Universe.

Lily hacks Amazo and turns him against the other villains, defeating them all instantly. So, um, Amazo is better with the Justice League's powers than the Justice League is? Batman awkwardly hides his sidekick boner while Alfred reacts to the "Sidekick Boner Alarm" he installed in Batman's underwear by preparing a speech to convince Batman that he's already put enough children in danger.

Alfred's speech had better be a doozy.

The Ranking!
-1! My favorite part of this story is how Lily, who really should know nothing about Amazo, comes up with a plan to hack Amazo at the same time Batman does. Isn't she just a precocious little precious ball of genius?! Apparently DC's favorite deus ex machina is young people. They can fucking do anything in the DC Universe! Fuck all that technobabble that used to be needed to explain away the science which saved the world. Now just introduce a teenager or pre-teen character who is labelled a genius and let them do whatever needs doing. Totally fucking believable and not overdone in any way at all. Just all around great character building!

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