Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Suicide Squad #7

A sniper nearby is staring at Katana's tits.

If you never received a degree, don't answer "Yes" when somebody asks if you've ever gone to college. Stop unpacking your excuses as to why you never stuck around long enough for a degree just so you can pat yourself on the back for having taking a few philosophy classes that never went anywhere. Okay, sure Overreacting Butthurt College Dropout, technically you're answering the question truthfully. I mean, I suppose if you walked through a college campus one day, you can answer yes to that question. I suppose I shouldn't be too upset that you can't figure out what that person is actually asking since you were too lazy and stupid to finish school. It might sound like I'm judging you but I'm not. I mean, not that much. I don't give a shit if a person went to college or not. That isn't an indicator of intelligence or even some kind of fortitude or ambition. I fucking went to college to avoid the real world for as long as possible (which was about five and a half years of actual college and not the two or so years spent out of school for missing registration due to not wanting to meet with a counselor or fucking around at a community college to re-establish residence when I switched colleges (you know, because it's way cheaper!)). I also went to college because it was a nice chunk of time where I was able to read as many books as possible while not having any other real demands on my life. College also introduced me to a lot of literature I would never have bothered reading. But when somebody asks if you went to college and you have to explain and annotate your answer of "yes" with caveats like "I went for a few months before my grandmother died and I had to fly home and I just never went back" or "I got a crippling sexually transmitted disease from fucking that dead raccoon during a wild hazing incident at Gamma Delta Farts," maybe choose to say "no" before adding the annotations? Because, really, you fucking know what they meant by the questions, right?

Seriously though, don't fucking go to college. If you can get a scholarship or grant money that you don't have to pay back, then definitely do go to college. Or if you're serious about one of those jobs that's actually some kind of service to mankind (even if you're only doing it for the big cash payout salary! Who am I to judge? I mean, judge even more than I'm already doing?) and you need educated training! There are definitely good reasons to get educated via society's usual and expected means. But if you know what you want to do and you can do it yourself and you know you don't need a degree to do it? Fucking dump the system. It needs you far more than you need it! I went to a state school in Oregon my first year and then finished at a state school in California for the other half decade, so it didn't cost a lot to delay my adulthood. Plus, my father who had been mostly absent from my life from about thirteen to seventeen (due to raging alcoholism and selfishness) showed up to pay tuition. I covered all the other expenses (like books and drugs) through summer jobs. But I could have just as easily spent five years at the library and done much of the same thing. I loved my teachers and most of my classes, so I'm glad I didn't do that. But I could have, if I didn't have the resources and opportunities which presented themselves to me and my life. And I suppose it's easier to do almost nothing at all, day in and day out, without your family griping if you can say, "I'm in school!"

There are way more than two types of people but it's easier to say, "There are two types of people," before starting some kind of written thesis. And the two types of people I'm thinking of amid all of the other types of people are the ones who go to college right out of high school because they have a plan for their future and know what they want from life, and the ones who go to college right out of high school because they have no fucking idea what to do or how to navigate their oncoming adulthood. I figure a lot of people who answer "yes" to the question about going to college who shouldn't be answering yes are the second type. They eventually find what they need while at college and just move on. College serves its purpose as a kind of purgatory during the transition from childhood to adulthood. Often, a person doesn't need to see it through to its expected conclusion. I would have liked it to have gone on longer in some ways but, really, I'd fucking had enough of essay assignments. So I totally get not finishing. My main point is that when somebody asks, "Did you go to college?", you should probably answer "No" before saying, "I did go for awhile but dropped out for these reasons." Saying "yes" is just lying to yourself and everybody else and probably God too.

So anyway, I'll let Harley Quinn catch everybody up on what was happening in this comic book:

Okay. Got it! Magic Comic Book Nonsense makes sane people insane, and insane people sane. That's not the hardest thing a comic book has ever asked me to believe. Remember when Nightwing drove a motorcycle up a building? And that time Catwoman didn't tell Bruce Wayne he was being a selfish, condescending asshole? I mean, she may have told him that before. But there were all the other times she didn't when she should have.

Harley has reverted to Doctor Harleen Quinzel (unless it's spelled differently. I can't be bothered to remember or look it up) who is a psychiatrist (unless she's a psychologist. See my last parenthetical reference for more why I don't know). So when she says, "It turns out sane people are scared all the time," I have to believe she knows what she's talking about. And since I'm never scared, I suppose that makes me insane. Some would say it makes me stupid or shows I'm not paying attention. And by "some," I mean bumper stickers.

Katana is busy trying to kill Harley but she keeps getting sidetracked by all the guards who need their arms chopped off. I don't think Katana will be successful because DC would never kill Harley Quinn. They can't even kill Harley Quinn in some Death of Superman type stunt because all of the touchy feely Internet Harley Quinn fans would call them misogynist and dumb. No wait! They wouldn't call them dumb because that's ableist. I think. You know what's dumb? Trying to shape a world where you can't point out how stupid somebody is because they can't help it and thus it's a disability of some sort and how dare you pick on the poor moron. How long until the racists begin claiming they can't help being racist and thus it's ableist to call them out on it?

Sorry! Sorry! I went all Slippery Slope on you there. That's so fucking ridiculous to think that a racist would claim they shouldn't be called a racist because it's ableist. They just think they shouldn't be called a racist because they hate being called out on a truth they can't admit to because it would prove they were racist. Or something.

Katana can block a bullet with her sword but she can't deflect a Taser. Those are some sorry ass ninja skills.

I wonder whose most angry at me right now? Dropouts, racists, dum-dums who use the word ableist, or nerds screaming at me that Katana is a samurai and not a ninja? Also, those nerds are probably falling all over themselves to explain how Katana could block the bullet because her mind was clear but now, clouded by the Black Vault, she's not quite as effective at blocking things with her cutlass.

Harley contacts Amanda who is just willful enough to keep some clarity and explain the situation to Harley Quinn. That's a good thing or else Harley wouldn't know what she was supposed to do to get this story to end without everybody dying.

Harley realizes she has a decision to make! Does she stay and save the world from Zod by keeping him from waking up (since, you know, if he woke up, nobody in the world would be able to stop him because the Justice League is probably in the future dealing with Cosmic Boy's mutated space gonorrhea unraveling the time stream), or does she run for her life?!

I'm glad the exits in this super prison are so well marked and accessible.

Harley Quinn manages to defeat everybody in the prison by activating the sprinklers using El Diablo and then firing a Taser into the wet floor and electrocuting everybody. I mean, they're all wearing boots so even if I'm going to believe her Belle Reve Taser is the most powerful Taser ever devised (Harley did crank the setting up to 999 which must be crazy powerful! A Belle Reve Taser would need a huge setting like that to take down someone like King Shark, right?), how am I supposed to get past the boot thing? Maybe nobody has rubber soles. I guess they're all made of copper.

Meanwhile, Hack realizes that she accidentally digitized Captain Boomerang and uploaded him into Belle Reve's mainframe. I hope he boomerangs something as a computer virus!

Also meanwhile, June and Killer Croc do some after oral sex cuddling. Remember how they had oral sex last issue? I still can't wait to try that move! Harley decides to zap June Moone because a Belle Reve Taser has at least four shots. I'd think it would be much bigger than it appears. But then, I also think Jim Lee doesn't really think much about what he's drawing. He's got twelve pages to do and he doesn't have time to research anything in Rob William's script!

Harley zaps June to wake up the Enchantress because she needs to teleport to the lab to stop Zod. She doesn't get there this issue because Jim's twelve pages are up. Next issue should be the finale of this story since it's also the prologue to Justice League vs. the Suicide Squad (which will almost certainly be terrible).

The backup story is about June Moone and the Enchantress. Is the fact that I have nothing more to say about it a good enough review?

The Review!
+0! Seven issues in and nobody in the Suicide Squad has died! Oh, sure, readers are probably expected to remember the death of Captain Boomerang as a death which took place and therefore a justification for Task Force X's nickname. But he's not dead and he'll be back next issue! The only people who have died during this incarnation of the Suicide Squad are the guards killed by Katana. Way to go, Katana! Just add them to the ever growing list of innocent people you've killed since The New 52 began! Most of that list is, of course, all of the people in the high-rise hotel you blew up in Birds of Prey! Jerko!

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