Saturday, December 24, 2016

Wonder Woman #11

Diana's nervous look frightens me more than the semen all over her.

Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor have found their way to Paradise Island. Diana discovers her mother hasn't been turned into a statue at all which means...well, I don't know what it means. Maybe it means The New 52 was all a dream. Except the parts where she was fucking Superman. But she already sort of apologized to Steve Trevor about that. She was all, "What did you expect? He's Superman! You can't tell me you wouldn't want a taste of that super dick, right?! Besides, my invulnerability means that I can barely feel your penis inside my vagina. I had to see what it was like fucking a guy with a dick hard enough to batter my nerve endings. Oh, I'm getting woozy just thinking about it." And Steve was all, "I'm sure ARGUS can develop some kind of super Viagra that will make my dick so hard you'll think it was from Krypton!" Then they shook hands and decided to never again talk about how Diana and Clark dated.

Diana seems willing to believe they've found the real Paradise Island. I don't know which version of Paradise Island is real but I'm sure it's any version that doesn't have a history of Amazons raping sailors and throwing newborn male babies off of a cliff.

Meanwhile, Etta Candy has become suspicious of Director Sasha. She follows her as she drops of Urzkartaga the Plant so that the CEO of Sears, Roebuck and Company can get her hands on it. Etta winds up shooting Sasha in her robot face. The CEO, a woman named Veronica Kale, unleashes her Doberman Pinschers, Terror and Panic, on Etta Candy. Whether or not she kills the dogs won't be revealed for another issue or two.

Back on Paradise Island, Wonder Woman realizes that she's never actually been back home. When she left all those years ago, the cost was that she could never return. And she's just now discovering that all of the times she thought she had gone back, all of those previous DC adventures that took place on Paradise Island, never actually happened. I mean, they happened! But they were all lies created by some still unknown adversary, or God, or spectacular drug. That's convenient! Instead of rebooting and rebirthing and crisising things again until nobody knows what the fuck is what, just pretend all of those stories were some kind of fantastic illusion. Wonder Woman experienced them but they somehow weren't real. Which is probably why she can't remember her past too clearly.

The Ranking!
No change. Only two things happened in this comic book! Etta Candy discovered a leak in ARGUS, and Wonder Woman discovered she's never been back to Themyscira. I don't know why it took twenty pages to tell those two things but it did. And it only took me about two minutes to read it all. I don't think that was a good use of my two dollars and ninety-nine cents.

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